DH hiding e-cig AGAIN

[Starf]

I'm having a wobble and need outside perspective.

To be clear, it's lying I have an issue with and the levels of deceit involved.

I saw my DH lifting up towards the top of the kitchen cupboards earlier and when I looked he moved quickly. He left the room and I had a look and there was an e cigarette.

We've had this in the past. He lies about silly things but also bigger things and just has a real issue with being 'judged' in any way and will lie if he thinks I won't like something.

First time was around 8 years ago when I found a plastic bag full of the liquids that go in them. He said it was his brother's and I believed him. The lying hadn't really come out at that point so I just accepted it.

Then a few years later I found the stick thing in his bag when getting something. He said it was old and not his. I've found them multiple times and only the last few years has he admitted it was his. I said to him I don't have an issue, I just don't like the idea of him sneaking around. Once I found it behind the toilet when cleaning. Another he had fallen asleep drunk on the sofa and it was on his chest.

We have a joint account where wages go and so he says he uses bits of cash to buy them. He takes them to work every day and then comes home and hides it right away so it isn't in his bag.

When I find them he says he doesn't want to do it and will stop and even throws them away but it's clearly just a front. I've said just please be honest. The shady behaviour makes me anxious.

I feel like I'm over reacting. I feel upset tonight because last time he promised me he wouldn't hide it again and after a while he said he was stopping and I asked him to tell me if he starts again. He says I'm being controlling and it shouldn't be an issue because hes not hurting me or cheating on me. He can't seem to understand that this constant lying is a problem.

Am I being silly??

Rebuilding trust? Do you mean he cheated on you or he hid debt or £££ spending from you? Or do you mean because he lied to you before about vaping?

I don't know why you are getting such unpleasant replies OP.
I agree with you that being open about things is really important in a relationship. I understand that you find his need to hide his vaping hurtful when it is totally unnecessary.
But I agree with pp who have said this is an issue to do with your DH's past relationships. I think you just need to accept he vapes and just try and ignore his attempts to hide it from you.

Maybe his intention was genuinely to give it up, and when he failed because nicotine is very addictive, he was embarrassed and didn't want to share that with you?

I think there was an opportunity back then (when he announced giving up) for you to drop the rope on this issue by not making him promise he would tell if he restarted. I think it was a mistake to ask that and perpetuated the issue.

It's not unreasonable of you to be upset that he's treating you like an antagonist to withhold the truth from, of course.

If this is the main issue, it might be worth asking him to get counselling over why he would rather lie and conceal than just be honest, if it stems from his childhood. He does seem to be behaving like you're the strict parent and he's the naughty (or scared) child.

Obviously if he lies about more serious issues or is unable or unwilling to confront why & change, then I don't see how you can continue like this.

This , exactly this.
I was that child, I thought the.only way to keep a relationship was to be this perfect person so I hid anything I thought would upset then DP. It took therapy to loose the habit.

It sounds like you don't approve of him vaping & so he's hiding it. I presume he's hiding it so you don't tell him off or make him stop. He's a grown man & it's not illegal. I think it's probably addictive so hard to stop.

I think if he was gambling, using dodgy porn or buying coke then you would have something to worry about. But your reaction seems quite extreme.

Is this really about vaping or has he lied about something serious in the past? I don’t understand why he’s hiding it or why it’s even a problem.

He's an adult. It's not like he's shooting up heroin in the bathroom.

I get it op; If he can lie about that, what else is he lying about. There's something really unsettling about finding out that your partner is a good liar. Nobody likes being lied to, especially not constantly by their partner. I do agree his lying will be linked to his childhood experiences but that explains, not excuses them. You probably do need to change your approach too but it's all easier said than done.

So why is he hiding it? She said OK shrugged it off now he is hiding it again what if she thought he had a second phone and thats why he was acting shifty? What if she felt like he was cheating on her?

Casually lying about small insignificant things builds mistrust if you can lie so easily about this what else are you lying about

I mean you know he vapes, so leave him off , if he wants to hide it then let him. If he tells you he's going to stop then just say that's nice dear .

What did you say to him the first time you found out he was vaping? Have you ever said to him 'I hate vaping/smoking/farting etc - it's a deal breaker for me'? Maybe if you have that's why he's hiding it, and then on top of that after you found out he's fibbed about it you've carried on perhaps a bit too much and now he feels that not telling you is easier than the agg that comes with you knowing?

I think you're using very emotive language around it 'rebuilding trust'. Now, I'm not saying he should lie when you ask him, that's just silly but it's just being dishonest about an e-cig, that you clearly don't like, he's trying to not piss you off and going about it the wrong way. It's not like he's got a whole other family on the side. He's an adult, who can vape whenever he wants, without your permission. He just needs to not cover it up. But, I'm sorry, I don't think this requires 'rebuilding trust'.

For heavens sake, you're not his mother, leave him alone.
If you don't like the way he is or behaves, you need to find someone you're more compatible with.

No it’s not, but it feels as though you’re not telling the whole story.
Something about the way you have ‘chatted’ about his habit is making him feel that you will really not like him vaping, and that you will let him know this in no uncertain terms. That’s why he’s lying. He wants to vape but KNOWS you’ll kick off about it.
If when you first found out he was vaping you had said ‘oh, you silly sod! No need to hide it - you’re a grown man. Do what you want!’ , he would not be telling you lies now.
Clearly that was not your response. You want him to stop when he doesn’t want to. That’s controlling.

I vape. Nobody around me minds. I live with my adult son and have regular visitors. However I have an older friend who is very anti smoking and she doesn't see the difference between vaping or smoking and has very strong views on it. When I visit her I don't vape or even mention it because I know she will lecture me. Do you have strong views on vaping OP?

She says there’s no issue with him vaping, it’s the deceit she hates.

It’s making you uncomfortable because he’s undermining your trust in him. Sure, to
some his vaping is no big deal and perhaps in the grand scheme of things it isn’t, but he’s acting shady and that’s never going to feel good to the people he’s lying to. How are you supposed to know you can trust him with bigger things in life? So I definitely get it.

You need a sit down, no holds barred, straight up conversation about this where you say to him ‘look, if you feel you need to vape then do
so. I might not agree, but you’re not a child. You don’t need to hide it. In fact, the lying and sneaking around is a huge deal for me and a much bigger problem. I need to tell you that if it’s doesn’t stop we might not have a future because there’s no trust’.

Obviously you are still allowed to ask him to respect your boundaries around his vaping- not in the house for example. But that’s not the same as him needing to hide it.

This ^^ x1000

Saying you've had 'the talk' with him about vaping sounds controlling and ridiculous.

Nicotine is very addictive and he most likely feels bad for being addicted; therefore lies. It's not the same as lying about having sex with another person/or class A drugs/ or spending thousands on gambling.

God the replies on this are ridiculous and a few I can tell are from men . She has said she has no problem with his vaping it’s his continuing lies about it , the first she found them he lied bare faced to her and she accepted it and then he lied again and again , so saying she said something negative about his vaping is you all reaching to blame her because she never had the chance he lied about it . Also if lying is perfectly fine he can do what he wants can he , ok women start hiding things and lying to your husbands since it’s fine when they do it 🙄. I’ve never seen anything more outrageous than the replies on here . Again it’s not the vaping it’s his continuing lies to her that she doesn’t like and we would all have a problem if our husbands kept lying and hiding things from us . Now to me it seems he gets a thrill from hiding things , my nan would do this , my grandad didn’t care one bit about her smoking never said a word to her about it , she would quit then go around sneaking smokes for the thrill of being caught but he didn’t care one bit about her smoking .

How’s the relationship otherwise op? I wouldn’t even think to look on top of the kitchen cupboards, if I seen dp up there. Why did you do that? Is there a lot of mistrust? I also wouldn’t view finding a vape as worthy of a chat ( unless it was teen dc).

I think that you can now be pretty sure that your husband vapes and has done so for some time, and will continue to do so unless you find out otherwise.

He hides the vapes because of your previous emotional reaction, which was negative. He is trying to avoid this. Possibly partly for his own comfort, and partly to avoid upsetting you. He's being avoidant, which is in turn triggering your reaction, which isn't entirely reasonable either.

He is an adult, you need to decide if you accept that he vapes and be ok with it, or you do not. You're currently in some weird half way house, and a lack of communication and clarity on both parts has caused the current situation.

If you can tell him that you don't mind if he vapes, and mean it, surely the issue is sorted?

Some of the replies are a bit harsh I feel. It's hard to describe things fully.

I have never given him a reason to lie about this. He wasn't a smoker when we met and I can't recall any discussions about our opinions on it as it wouldn't have been relevant to either of us. I've been with him on nights out with friends where he would smoke a couple when drunk and I've tried it when with him once but I didn't like it.

So when I first found literally a bag full of the liquids it was more like confusion of what are these. I didn't know. He told me what they are and said they're not his. Their was no issue. A few more times when I found it and he said again it was his brother's, I just accepted it. He works with his brother so I just assumed he was hiding It for his brother who still lives with parents. It was only the past few years that I'd realised it is his stuff. I did get upset the first time because yes he does have a habit of lying and I just found it unnecessary and hurtful that he had lied about this. For me, it wasn't what he was doing, but that he'd been sneaking about for years on a daily basis to hide this. I said then - I don't care, don't particularly like it but it's up to him but can he tell me and.not hide it. He said at the time that he rarely does it and doesn't want to do it so will stop. Then I found it a few more times and it's only the last time that I said I need him to just be honest about using it because sneaking around makes me anxious. Again he said he was getting rid of it. I don't feel that I've ever done anything to make him hide this.

I feel like this does come from.his childhood but it frustrates me that I'm being treated as though I'm his parent.

I am now realising that he is going to keep using it but doesn't want me to know about it for some reason and I just feel a bit deflated about that as for me it isn't an ideal situation. I haven't really discussed it with him this time. I just said I'm upset and he said "it is what it is" and why does it matter. I think he does know that he shouldn't keep telling me he doesn't use it and then hiding It around the house as he's said sorry and has this time said that yes he does feel like he needs it. We haven't spoken about it since but he's not using it in front of me and I haven't seen it so I assume it's just going to be a thing he does when I'm not around. I just find it weird.