Dealing with grief after ending a relationship

[SofiaJessica4]

Earlier this year I ended my relationship with my ex partner of four years.

I made the choice to do so as he is untrustworthy. He's financially irresponsible and a chronic liar. I realised I'd never trust him and he's unlikely to change - despite saying he wanted to and doing 'some' therapy. After 18 months of trying to get over the latest set of lies I called it a day. For context he maxed out all his credit cards, put our house at risk, wouldn't stop lying about it, lied about going to therapy multiple times, and many other things.

He also came with two kids (I'm CF) and had rubbish boundaries with his high conflict ex wife, and could make poor parenting choices, which lead to all kinds of traumatic situations for me, as I grew up with neglect and found it triggering and was therefore in a state of constant fight or flight, that seemed unlikely to change.

Well, I am anxious. I keep ruminating. What if I made a mistake. Some friends who didn't know him well said we looked good together. He cleaned, he looked after me when I was sick, he seemed to adore me, he was good in a lot of ways. I loved him. I'm not crying everyday but I am finding it really hard to put him out of my mind. I keep blaming myself. I feel horrendously guilty for not being more patient, trying harder, forgiving yet again (everyone including family and my therapist told me I tried really bloody hard). I also feel bad for leaving behind two young kids, even though they're not mine. I miss them.

Is this normal? I thought I could escape the grief process but it's wearing me down. He still lives in this house of course - it's a work in progress getting him out - but I thought as I was so detached from him for so long I wouldn't find it so painful. My life is good, other than him.

Please tell me this is normal and doesn't mean I made a mistake.

He doesn't want to come back anyway and has promptly fallen in love with a Filipina woman he's met online and is talking marriage and babies - once he actually meets her,
that is 🙄 ... I've also seen he's lying to her too 🤦‍♀️

Of course you haven't made a mistake.

That he could be lovely sometimes doesn't change the fact he's untrustworthy and bad for you. Even losing you hasn't made him rethink his behaviour, he's just gone on to lie to the next person.

I think if you're still living in the same house it's going to be that much harder to move on, but you will get there.

By what you have said here, you have certainly made no mistake.

Please don’t doubt the decision you made,

You have NOT made a mistake. He doesn't sound like a man to build life with. It's painful And hard now but take it day by day.

I am so sorry to read this, op, and can understand how you feel about all of it. He really is a loser and a sleazeball, you are well shot but that doesn't mean it isn't hurtful. You spent four years with him, loved him and his children. Poor kids, I wonder what they think of their father right now.

Grief takes its own time but you've done the right thing and will eventually get over it.

All we can do on here is walk alongside you while you go through this, and give encouragement.

I hope you have an interesting job, that does help if you can compartmentalise.

Better things are in store for you.

I think there's two separate aspects to this:

Firstly a relationship has ended

But also this means you've having to accept that whatever you envisaged from this relationship isn't going to happen. I doubt you went into it saying gosh I can't wait until he gets in debt abd puts the house at risk did you.

I think the latter can be hard to move through.

Whenever you feel doubt re read the last paragraph of your post.

Definitely no mistake. People can make errors (and honest errors can be forgiven), but he isn't making errors is he? He is purposely and deliberately lying to people. That isn't any "error" - that is thought about and "planned". I cannot abide liars ...You have made a wise decision and I wish you all the best. 🌸

Thank you for the replies. I think I'm also reeling from things he's done since we split up that I never thought he would do, that has me wondering if I ever really knew him. This thing with the Filipino woman, I've found he's seeing prostitutes, things like that. It's really shocked me.

He's also blamed me a lot and been horrible, which I didn't think would happen. Initially he took accountability and said he'd been a bad partner but since he met this woman he's mean, treats me like I'm an awful person, etc. I can't stand the ugliness of it all

@SofiaJessica4 you really need to get him out of your house asap as you won’t be able to move on with him there. Also seems he’s rewriting your relationship. He sounds quite toxic!

@AnonAnonmystery I'm hoping it's going to be soon, as he's finally agreed to go into a rental. He was insisting on waiting till he could buy, but he's not long in a job after redundancy and won't qualify for a mortgage for some time. I'm looking forward to the end of this saga!