Mum and sisters think I should divorce husband

[ElatedLimeHam]

My husband suffers chronic pain so he's hard to live with (often depressed, seldom works and doesn't contribute financially). He is not motivated to do anything advisable (eg. Exercise, physio etc) just scrolls on his phone all day (when not spending the day in bed) and vapes or smokes stronger stuff. He mismanages the pain medication from his dr and regularly goes through cold turkey. However, I love him and our family unit. On his good days hes great. He is an excellent loving father to our 8 year old son and does do a share of childcare and activities with him (just not reliably). Further, if we were to split he would not have the means to support himself and would return to his native NZ leaving my son fatherless. Despite this my mum and sisters all think I should divorce him because of his lack of effort to improve his pain situation and manage his medication. I've spent years getting stressed trying to motivate him but am now just working on acceptance - you can lead a horse to water. I vowed in sickness and health but am I a mug?

How much would it cost you to divorce him?

You can work with chronic pain. I do. Can he WFH or part time? What’s he qualified to do?

So you're basically keeping him?

My husband has worked through 43 years of chronic pain. He sometimes cries at night but he’s always been there for us.

What’s he qualified to do? There are many wfh roles now.

Well he doesn’t sound like a bargain. Has he been formally diagnosed as unable to work? Has he applied for benefits. If yes, and they were denied, why? Do you feel that denial was unfair?

Sure , marriage is not about money, but if he is only a good husband/ father on his good days, what’s the proportion of good to bad?

Can you see yourself growing old with him once the dc have grown?

Do you fancy him?

I'm not sure what your mum and sister think really matters, it's your choice.

He mismanages his pain medication and goes cold turkey. Your son is growing up with an addict as a father.

A good father is reliable.

This! He is an awful father.

He is an excellent loving father to our 8 year old son

Years working with people with trauma here, and family members who struggle with alcohol.

Addict parents ALWAYS cause harm to children. They are not emotionally present, they are in their addiction. A stoned father isn't an emotionally available, honest father. That might be better than a physically absent one but maybe not.

If you want to make the decision that keeping a stoned cocklodger is better than an absent father, you can make that decision. I wouldn't.

So he does nothing to help himself, takes no responsibility for his health, lies around on his arse all day, on his phone all day, doesn't work, barely does anything else, and this is the example you want for your son? He is not an excellent father. He's definitely an absolute shit husband.

Is this really all you want for your life? How depressing.

How many good days does he have? Because he doesn't seem like an excellent father or a great family unit as he doesn't appear to be a warm, positive person or a good role model. Just being physically present doesn't make him a good father. So in that sense, your son is already fatherless sadly.
Even for your own mental health, this seems very negative and unhealthy. What are you actually gaining from this marriage?
Why would he have to move back to NZ, if he can't support himself here, surely he can't there either? Perhaps he needs a wake up call on what's at stake before he loses it all.

Good fathers don't "mismanage" their medication because they take their responsibilities seriously. Addicts don't.

Its not that simple.
My DH is in agony all day every day following surgery and cancer treatment. Sometimes it's like he's popping pills like smarties. We are constantly at the doctors to try and get the pain manageable but nothing helps enough. Pain clinic are taking over a year to see anyone for a first appointment.
It's crap it really really is and being on the other side is sometimes like an awful nightmare but I love him and I know if it was me in the same boat he'd be looking after me like I look after him. It's hard, it's mentally draining and it's exhausting sometimes but on better days it's great to see a bit of their sparkle back.

Bet his chronic pain subsides when he wants to get his end away.

he sounds like a chronic pain in your arse and no decent father would fuck their kid off because they’re no longer with the mother.

I think your mum and sister could be onto something but it’s your life to waste

Sorry OP but he needs a kick up the arse. I've had to use strong pain meds for a lot of my adult life, and I had to make sure I didn't end up addicted to them. Dependency is one thing, addiction is quite another and it will only get worse.

You need to read him the riot act and tell him that the child you have together cannot grow up around an addict.

Yes. Unfortunately, you're a mug. I absolutely agree with your mum and sister. If H gave 2 fucks about his family he would try to get well.

Single mum of 3 with chronic pain, mobility problems and chronic fatigue.. and that's just to name a few. I feel shit all the time, tired, sore but I still take care of my kids, we do things, we play together, I take them places. I spend the next 2 or 3 days or longer feeling even more shit but I get up and get on. I'm not sure what you mean by mismanaging his medication, do you mean he takes more than. He should which leaves him without his regular dose? I can say for sure no pain medication is THAT good that you have any justification for taking more than you should. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and look after your DC, even if he can't work, he can still do his bit.

Yes, you are basically a mug.
Sorry.
My husband is three decades older and still contributes within reason.
Mum and sisters team.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel and how his behaviour affects you all. What did he say

You post as though the “divorce him” perspective is entirely from your DSis and DM. But you’re here asking for opinions. Does it ever get you down? You say you love him and he’s an excellent father to your joint DC, but you paint a picture that isn’t one of an excellent father (misuse of pain medication is a huge issue for when your DC get older, no effort to provide for DC and regularly going through withdrawal are really bad example to set, etc.). And you don’t say anything about what he does for you.

Is your marriage a marriage - a partnership with both of you trying your best to support each other and create the best life for your DC? Or is it a relationship in which you put your DC and DH first and DH puts himself first, DC second and you nowhere at all?

I don’t think the in sickness and in health bit is relevant if the marriage contract is already broken by his lack of care for you.

It sounds like you mum and sisters are seeing from outside of your bubble.

He’s not a role model for the kids is he? He’s showing them that you can laze in bed all day and not have a job. You’re teaching them that the bar is low by accepting it.

I've spent years getting stressed trying to motivate him but am now just working on acceptance - you can lead a horse to water. I vowed in sickness and health but am I a mug?

No you are not a mug. You have just reached a point that mentally means giving up on all hope of a better life, and trying to achieve acceptance.

You won't achieve acceptance, no matter how hard you work at it. It isn't something within your grasp.

What will happen instead is, you will eventually reach a point of deep regret, where the years spent pussyfooting around the issue of being married to a selfish arse, come crashing down on you and you will be very, very angry, this could be next week, month, year or in twenty years !

He's going to leave your son fatherless regardless.
Trust me when I say your son will grow up to resent him.

Yes. You’re a mug. A total mug. I’m sorry. Truly. A workshy, drug-taking, prescription pill abusing, phone-scrolling, unreliable waster of a man cannot possibly be an ‘excellent loving father’, 🤯 are you mad?