Is your dh/dp not interested in diy/upkeep of house

[Mancity08]

We’re retired and been together for 22 yrs.

I must say we have had our relationship problems during this time and have twice talked about splitting up

Dp never sees that anything needs updating/renewing ! He would quite easily never have anything done apart from structural things
so much to say it’s taken 20 yrs to get new carpet for bedroom/stairs, I’m still waiting for kitchen 🤦‍♀️
He just never sees it (or doesn’t want too?)
even dust, I leave it just to see if he’d do it NO

As he gets older 70 this year he just seems to want to get out the house in his retired. Everyday twice a day and an evening walk round the block
His chilling is going to a coffee shop for an hour, that’s fine but every day

We don’t do any hobbies together nor can find any.
His hobbies are tennis. Motorbike, speedway and pedal bike. He has never sat and watch a film through ever.
Mine hobbies are Crafty things. Swimming , gardening. House decor , watching films & tv

The thing is , I’ve tried different things like
getting him involved in the house, paid for someone to decorate, done it alone
But now ive come to resent it, I’d be sat in a filthy house if I didn’t do most of the things
He will hoover, wash dishes and do shopping for that day, bins & cars .
He says I’m never happy, but it’s not that I can’t wait 5/10 years to get a room decorated but he could quite easily

Am I the only one in a couple that has this ?

My cousin’s husband is like this (although he’s only 57 and has retired early). They got married in their early twenties and bought the house they live in now - they been married 30 years I think. New kitchen went in when they moved in, so that’s coming up to 30 years old. Bathroom is the previous owners and must be 40 years old. We nearly convinced him to have the bathroom replaced. Then he decided to just paint the tiles with tile paint and thinks that looks great. I think that he thinks the current installations will see him out but the pair of them could live a long while yet.
My cousin is still working full time whilst he sits on his arse all day reading. Given that he once told her she couldn’t buy a tour T-shirt from a concert we were all at, I think there’s some financial abuse going on there.

Sounds like there is a lot more to this than housework and DIY.

Some people (men and women) aren’t interested in updating the house/DIY/etc. Some because they don’t care, some because they don’t see the point unless things are broken and need replacing, and many other reasons.

Why are you waiting? Why not just do it if he doesn’t care? What’s stopping you getting a new carpet? Finances?

You don’t have to have the same hobbies. My husband loves reality type shows and I could not be less interested. He doesn’t make me watch them and doesn’t care if I don’t watch them. I don’t force him to do my hobbies.

It sounds like you have no common ground and dislike him for that. If you want to do something together, try something new. But, don’t try and force him to be interested in something he’s not.

If you can afford to pay for someone else to do it, why don’t you? It will get it done and a professional job too. It means you don’t have to do it. Your husband is 70 years old. Hes an old man. Leave him be. Stop nagging him and get someone else to do it. If you can’t afford a professional, ask at local colleges for trainee painter and decorators to do it at a reduced rate. It’s good experience for them. Get ones that are nearly finished their training not newbies. Or get a friend son, nephew, etc to do it and pay them something for it. It sounds like he does stuff around the house, just not the major decorating and renovation jobs. Maybe he’s concerned he won’t do a good enough job and it will cause a row. If he’s generally a good guy, doesn’t abuse you, doesn’t cheat on you, does his share of the household chores, cleans the cars, etc then maybe you don’t appreciate what you have. It sounds like you’re constantly on his case and if someone did that to me, I wouldn’t be motivated to do the extra work either. Forget the diy and go on holiday together and reconnect.

My hubs exactly the same ! I get everything done .
He works 48 hours a week tho so needs some down time on days off. Does piss me off that he would live I muck and be happy.

It also sounds like you care more about the house because your hobbies revolve around it. He likes to be out and about so it matters less to him. That’s why you need to do something about it if that’s what you want.

It’s like him complaining you don’t like cycling or tennis. He wants to start a complaint to the local authorities regarding the state of the potholes in the roads derailing his cycling, or the tennis court needing new nets and gets frustrated when you don’t agree!

I think you either need to agree to disagree or sell up and both go your own ways.

I wait because it’s always me to do something! He never takes anything on board even to ring about something. It’s me, if I don’t it won’t get done. It’s always tomorrow, it never comes.

ive gone and bought things and he’s argued with me and said I didn’t tell him, shouldn’t of bought it without him seeing it. But he doesn’t want it/like it. When something needed we buy 50:50 so I can’t just get/have it done as he wouldn’t give me the money for it.

The hobby thing mentioned because in the past he’s said to me
your not interested in my hobbies which isn’t true
because I have been to bike racing I’ve also been down to his tennis club. The pedal bike and walking I e also tried to be involved but because he’s so competitive I’m too slow.

seem I can’t do right from wrong in anything
just wanted to see others household up keep if the house that’s all

Are you married? It’s hard to see why you stay with him. What are his good points? Could you afford to live on your own? I have a lovely but messy DH and I fantasise about moving to a tidy little retirement flat by myself leaving him with all his messy hobbies. But he makes me laugh so I will stay and battle on with the mess. Why are you staying?

some men are leaders and some like to be lead!

Leave him, he does nothing for you really and complains when you take the initiative.

I think most people are saying
if you don’t like it - leave

its not as easy as that
Im nearly 67, retired with only a state pension and small private pension.
As we all know now house prices are through the roof and also renting also
We do not have enough in the house to buy 2 flat/apartments let alone a house even in a lower priced area.

I just wanted to know
a. Was I being unreasonable in what I was asking regarding my thinking

Did he ever like that kind of stuff?

I go in older people's houses and I see the same painting, the same flooring that has been there for decades. I'm not sure "change" and "upgrading" or even daily cleaning are high priorities especially if moving around hurts and you realize maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. If I don't call the plumber to fix DM's toilet (she's 80s) then it never gets fixed.

It does sound like he is looking for excuses to be away from home, maybe away from you, too. That's no good. I doubt he will change at this point in his life. It's like your choices are make it work - probably by living separate lives in the same house without criticizing - or find a way to GTFO, which you are right is near impossible with the cost of housing.

Sell your crafts and save up the money to get the things you want done, done. Then you won’t be asking him for 50/50. Or get a pt job. Or start doing gardening workshops for people who want to learn. Use your hobbies to earn extra money and spend it on the things you want. Or you could just stay doing the same thing and be miserable. He doesn’t want to do it so either accept it or tell him you want to sell up and take your half of the money for renting a new place. You could also apply to your local council and housing associations for a property due to a relationship breakdown and wait for them to house you in your own place. You need to take control of the situation because that’s what’s causing you the most discomfort. Lack of control. So, instead of focusing on the problems, focus on the potential solutions and do that. You have options. They may not be easy but they’re options nonetheless.