Help with husbands behaviour

[Bboo3]

I have recently split from my husband. After 18 years together and 3 children(all under 6 years old) he told me he couldn't cope and had found another woman that made him happy and feel good about himself, and left.
When telling my story to others they are mentioning a types of abuse within the now ex relationship, such as:
Coercive control, gaslighting, emotional abuse
And here's what I told them:

1. I wasn't allowed to ask husband what time he will be home from a night out. Usually twice a month he'd go out and not be back till 4am ish, really drunk and sometimes high.
2. This then turned into I wasn't allowed to ask him what time he would be home from work, simply so I know when to get his dinner ready.
3. He told me the break up was my fault because he has been so unhappy and unsatisfied for such a long time, he also told me I caused his depression because I didn't give the break a chance (he left for a week to sort his head out but during this time I found out he was seeing another woman, so I told him to collect his stuff and leave.)

Have I been blind and living in a abusive relationship? Or are people over reacting?

i was thinking as above... its over and done with now, what will it matter? you've ended it and you now know what you will want from another relationship moving forwards.

Agree with this. It really doesn’t matter now, all that matters is moving forward. You can take the time to assess these things if you want to when you have gotten past this stage.

I know you are trying to make sense of things but it is likely he turned nasty once he had another woman in his midst

you don’t realise it but you’ve had a lucky escape

Ime they change history to suit themselves.. One of the reasons exh gave we had never been close included I refused to ever let him change my tampons. I wished he had had to explain that to a judge. Imagine?
Acts like a cunt =a cunt.. No further explanation necessary.... Glad you got away op.

Men don't actually like having to share your attentions with kids. This happens so much in relationships, a couple has kids and then the father gets upset because he's no longer the centre of attention.

You're well rid of him, especially since he's an abusive piece of shit.

I know i need to focus in the future. But I don't want to find myself in this situation again if it is truly abusive/wrong. I can't help thinking about it when I'm lying alone at night now

Also I need to go to the solicitors to sort out house finance, children etc.
I don't want to say things like this to her if he's going to be punished for it. I want to know if his behaviour is/was abusive

Your exH is selfish (communication is important and I think he should have been courteous in discussing going out/return times with you) but refusing to do so and not letting you ask on it's own is not abusive. He's just not a good partner and it's not something I'd put up with in a relationship.

Him blaming you for his cheating, again - I wouldn't say it's abusive. It's not right and it's not true, but I wouldn't call it abuse. He is just a crap person.

None of that will have any relevance/bearing in your divorce

op it doesn’t matter what he’s done
it will have squat all impact on any settlement

Yes, that was a controlling relationship. You are better off out of it.

I disagree with people saying that it doesn't matter, it's over now. Understanding what was happening can help you process things and also help you for the future. Other features of this type of control often include:

• Not liking it when YOU go out. Questioning you constantly about it, putting barriers in the way etc.
• Accusing you of things you've never done so that you are constantly begging forgiveness and understanding (from flirting with men while out to not caring about his washing even though you've just completed 5 loads, including ironing, folding and putting away. As an example)
• Financial abuse - questioning your spending, treating spending on children as something for YOU to spend from your money, refusing to be transparent about money coming in, hiding money, having expensive hhobbies that you can't afford etc etc
• You finding yourself walking one ggshells - will he complain because you made dinner x instead of dinner y? Can you risk asking him about taking the DC to football or will be sulk? Avoiding asking him to take his muddy shoes off before coming in from the garden because he'll lose his temper.

You're better off out of it. Well done. If you can, talk to a professional to work through some of this.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that you want to think things through and reach some kind of understanding about why he behaved as he did; I was exactly the same when my marriage ended.

However, try not to focus too much on this; I used to allow myself a bit of time every now and then to think over these things and then put it behind me for a while, concentrating on moving ahead with my life. And don't worry - he won't be in any trouble; in fact, it won't make a blind bit of difference to your divorce settlement.

Good luck with everything 💐

The divorce isn’t about apportioning blame or accepting punishment for wrongdoing, it’s a legal separation of assets in the way that marriage is a legal joining of assets.

Don't waste your solicitor’s time and your money by trying to get them to understand any of the ins and out or emotional impact of your relationship breakdown.

You need to get them to fight for a fair proportion of the joint marital assets based on both of your current and potential future circumstances. That’s it. It’s just about money. Whether one person cheats or treats another appallingly won’t make any difference to a financial settlement.

Their desire and ability to care for their DCs will impact on the amount of maintenance they pay, based on the number of overnights they’re prepared to have the DC. That is all, that’s the only time at which a persons character really enters a divorce arrangement. And even that can be sorted by CMS not a solicitor.

The legal advice you need is how to split the house, savings, pensions etc based on your ability to earn in future and how that may or may not have been impacted by having DCs together.

Cant see the deleted message but if it says it doesn't matter now it does so the OP is aware in future relationships of what is control etc.

Op you ex is an utter twat.

WTF. I have no words

On the face of it, 'not being allowed' to do something in a relationship is controlling yes. However if it was because if he told you a time and then was late you'd ring him every two minutes, call the police, snd yell at him when he got home, then it's probably less an abusive thing and more a self preservation thing.

I'm really surprised at some of the responses. To directly answer your question, OP, yes, you were in an emotionally abusive relationship. He had no right to tell you that you couldn't ask where he was or when he'd be back. Knowing those things is part of being in a relationship--each partner is accountable to the other. As for blaming you, that's what abusive, selfish, self-centered men do. Assholes are assholes. Don't listen to him.

Partnerships are about equality and equity--each partner must be considered equally in decision-making and both must treat each other respectfully and fairly.

I too think it was an abusive relationship, and he is now rewriting history to make his affair your fault rather than his. He is likely to be following 'the script' and there are plenty of threads on here about that.

Yes he was abusive, and knowing that will give you the anger, the motivation and greater strength to come through all of this intact.

👆
Makes me repulse men even more 😖