How can I show support and selflessness to my partner?

[Lxs]

I met a guy nearly 2 years ago but wasn’t able to date him at the time as I was still healing over a situation. He stayed around and was supportive to me, talked to me everyday, tried to meet up with me etc.
He was really kind and put me first during that time.

About 5 months later I felt ready to date but I wanted to take things at a slow pace as I wasn’t ready to just jump in to something. He was understanding, I eventually let my walls down and started falling inlove with him but after a few months he felt like I was taking and not giving as much as he was (I guess he felt that was as he’d also been giving a lot from before we started dating again). He felt I wasn’t as supportive toward his business (in terms of offering help etc) I was supportive to his job etc however but and he also felt that I was selfish (in the sense that I wanted him to stick around yet I’m not in a position to give more to him, even when we did start dating again he felt I wasn’t giving).
There were other factors that impacted how I behaved such as we didn’t really see eachother much due to his finances and working long hours and I felt that I just wanted to get to know him better before investing more as I’d just been healing from a previous situation.

He was hurt from my actions and I see it was selfish of me to keep him there until I was ready and this is something I’ve never done. It wasn’t fair on him for me to drag things out because I was unsure about him yet it was evident that he was invested and wasn’t playing games, I apologised for it all as him being hurt, hurts me.
I’m extremely supportive and would do anything for the person I’m with and I’d put their needs before mine, he just didn’t get the best version of me at the time.
This was last year, we ended things in the end but agreed we would try again and date after he sorts things out in his life.

He trusts that I am supportive and selfless but he just didn’t see it back then and he understands why I may not have been able to do it back then.
But as is one of his fundamentals in a partner he would like to see I have those qualities before potentially getting in a relationship with me.

Its been a year and we recently started dating again, I know he’s going to be trying to see if I have these qualities. I’m a bit paranoid now and I just think how do I show this to him. I’m in love with him and I want this to work out but how do I show that I would do anything for him (within reason ofcourse) and how to show him I am supportive and selfless?

I'm sorry but it sounds like way too much hard work for this early on. Why on earth should you help him with his business? It sounds like he waited for you to get better and now started on making you feel worse. Also sounds like you've fallen for him as a result of what's been going on with you rather than you two really being compatible. This kind of guilt-tripping for not showing enough love simply does not - and should never - happen in a healthy relationship. Rather than show selflessness etc, you should be able to be yourself and not feel like you're not enough.

This is my personal opinion and obviously only based on what you've written and how you've written it, but he sounds very demanding and selfish to me and you sound very loving and generous, so I'm worried that you will go on tying yourself in knots trying to meet his standards when actually a bit more healthy selfishness on your part might help you see that he's not right for you.

(Sorry everyone for reposting the OP there - hate it when that happens!)

He sounds like a walking red flag and I’d run, not walk. You don’t ever need to be something you’re not, and it sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you into working for/supporting his business for free.

I agree with PPs. He sounds like hard work and had the potential to be controlling (you will never get things right/ do thing the way he expects them to be). Actually he's already controlling you and making you doubt yourself.
I think you need to take 10 steps back and really look at this relationship before getting in any deeper. Are there any other signs of love bombing/manipulation? I'm guessing there are!

WTF? Why is he expecting you to help with his business? Are you his PA? Do not take on unpaid work for this guy.

Selflessness is seldom a good thing. Certainly not in this situation. You're not auditioning for the role of being his girlfriend via doing unpaid work for his business. If he can't afford to pay staff to do work that needs doing, that's his cashflow issue.

And I don't view him sticking around and 'trying to see you' after you told him you weren't ready to date him as some kind of selfless generosity. To me that sounds like 'not taking no for an answer'. And the fact that he somehow thinks you owe him for that suggests a deeply unpleasant, very blinkered individual. That was his choice. As was starting a business.

Don't start dating him again, and don't ever 'audition' to be someone's girlfriend, based on whether you can convince them you have certain desired qualities, like being prepared to work for free in someone else's business.

Run for the hills.

Just to confirm, it’s not doing unpaid work or getting me to do things for him.
It’s about helping someone out or supporting them with what they’re going through the same way you would a close friend or family member. And the support he wanted from me is the same support he gave me with my business (giving me advice, suggesting things etc, the way you would help someone you care about)

It still sounds off to be getting transactional about that stuff and him noting what he did for you, what you're not doing for him, how selfless each other is being or not. Believe us all when we say this is not a good partnership. He's making you ignore your instincts and doubt yourself and before you know it, he'll have ground you down. This is not what love is like. At all.

You do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship here. It’s all very unhealthy and your boundaries, weak as they were to start with, will again be further eroded by this man. This did not work out last time so what has really changed now?.

Love should not be such hard work. Is he much older than you as well?.

You are way too selfless and have too much of people pleasing tendencies. You take responsibility for things that you're not responsible for and put other people's needs and feelings above your own. And other people's perspectives as more important then your own sense of reality.
The last thing you need is to become even more geared towards extreme selflessness and to be with someone who takes advantage of your nature and makes you feel like you're never good enough, never doing enough and always to blamed for everything.
You are dating. Honestly, it should be fun, you should be getting to know each other and testing if you are right for each other. You're not even at the point where you should be investing in each others businesses.
You did NOTHING wrong by telling him you're not ready for relationship. They are healthy boundaries you're allowed to have and you were honest. He chosed to stick around. He disrespected your wishes. It's on him.
OP I would argue you to get out of this relationship and head into therapy. At the moment you are walking magnet for narcissists and selfish, toxic men.
You shouldn't be worried about pleasing this man, you should be worried about long term consequences you will suffer unless you go to therapy and develop healthy boundaries.

Unsure of what kind of support he needs. How does he support you?

He supported me by staying and being there for me during the time when I was healing over another situation when he could have left baring in mind we hadn’t know each other for long at the time. After a few months he thought it’s best to leave me to heal but I asked him to stay as I didn’t want to be alone even tho I couldn’t give anything to him.
That was probably the lowest period of my life but since then I’m in a much better place now and much more like my loving, caring myself as I have been in previous relationships it’s just when I met him I was worse version of myself.
If I met a guy that treated me the way I treated him I would be hurt too and would want to see the other side to him

But I don't see that you did make him stick around if you were clear that you weren't ready for a relationship at the time, which later changed? If he hung around anyway when you were honest you couldn't offer commitment that's on him. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you have covered yourself in glory by asking someone you knew liked you to stick around when you weren't ready, but if you were honest, didn't emotionally blackmail (he had the choice to walk away) and are present now then can't he take things as he finds them now and move on?

Were there others involved? No judgement, just trying to understand his side.

Also what business support does he want? I listen to my partner about work and help him put his promotion applications together as a second pair of eyes but I don't sit and do his work for him, and I wouldn't advertise his, say, artisan knitting business to friends at every opportunity in conversation! Business and pleasure require a reasonable degree of separation

If someone told me they weren't ready for relationship I would just accept it and move on. I wouldn't stick around only to later feel hurt and entitled to them being as invested as I would like them to be.

If you are a caring, loving person and you are in better place then surely he will see that as relationship progresses?

You say you always think about others and put others needs above your own. The last thing you need is to work on becoming even greater people pleaser, do you want to end up with some extreme personality? You sound like you need to work on your own boundaries and needs. The chances of you attracting selfish or toxic men is huge right now and you won't even know it because you'll be busy blaming yourself and thinking how can you be better.

You need to go heal yourself more and not with this chap

If he wants to be with you then you both need to just be yourselves, don’t feel like you have to bend over backwards to prove or show him anything. Just be exactly the person you are and if it’s a good fit that will be enough.

FWIW my BF and I had a similar false start. He has MH issues and was still dealing with the aftermath of a previous relationship that had officially ended years before but the effects had dragged on into his current life. I left him to heal and we stayed friends, drifting back into lovers and then BF/GF but gradually and without pressure.

He shows his support by asking about my business, attending events whenever he’s free - even if only for an hour to two to give me a loo break and buy me a coffee - and by making sure I know he’s always available.

He is always hands on in the kitchen, cooking, washing up and making me tea whenever he visits me. He will apologise if it takes him a while to reply to my messages (even though I’ve repeatedly said he doesn’t need to!) and offers a phone call when we’re not together in case I want to talk about anything.

I will offer ideas for things to try in terms of his MH, send links, read books and articles about his troubles so I can understand better, we watch things together that give an insight and he tries to understand my medical issues - thyroid, menopause etc.

In terms of emotional and practical support he puts aside his own MH problems to make sure he’s able to be a positive presence in my life. He tries not to overload me with his worries, but knows he needs to let me know what’s going on with him so I feel included and that I’m on his team.

I don’t know what else either of us could do tbh. Wanting the best for the other person without martyring or sacrificing your own needs and wants is what it’s all about in my opinion.

There's a huge difference between being supportive and being "selfless". Selfless is not a word to use in terms of a relationship, unless you are talking about a mother's love for her baby. All healthy adult relationships are built on mutually understood compromise, not sacrifice.

Excellent post from @Bibi12. OP, this guy wasn't doing you a favour, and you need to work on what sounds like chronic people-pleasing.

Sorry OP but I think you’re trying way too hard to be a people pleaser and making excuses for his selfishness.

A good genuine honest person does not keep a balance sheet of who owes the most care and support and admonish the other person for not caring enough.

How has he managed to run his business all this time without your ‘support’?

I’ll be honest and say your posts show pretty clearly you’re still not ready to date imo and your time is better spent understanding your herd to please others to your own detriment

Both people in a relationship have to be comfortable with the pace the relationship moves at. If one wants a slower pace that is the speed it has to go at and if the person who would prefer it to move quicker can’t be happy with that, they need to go find a relationship that suits them.

Neither person in a relationship should be selfless. What an extraordinary expectation. A healthy relationship means both people value themselves as much as each other and each has their needs met. There might be occasions when one takes precedence for a specific reason and compromises must sometimes be made, but generally selflessness belongs to saints.

If it’s an equal relationship with him being selfless too, how would that even work? You’d both be constantly sacrificing for the other and both would end up with nothing.

But I doubt he intends for himself to be selfless, only you. Just because he’s been kind to you in the past you don’t owe him everything he demands. That kind of negates the kindness, turning it into a debt you owe him.

Maybe you need to be single a while longer so you can think about what a good relationship for you would entail. And then date someone who would fit that relationship. Not him.

You should not be selfless. Full stop.

And him hanging around you when you weren't ready isn't necessarily that noble. Some guys like to keep a few irons in the fire, keep the pipeline well stocked, in the hope that one woman or another will sleep with them at some point. You'll hear about their casual female friends which, on closer inspection, are women they went on dates with and agreed to "stay friends" with in the hope that one day she might be attracted. That kind of thing. It's the beta male method.

Don't ever date someone from a place of twisting yourself into who they want you to be.

Until you are able to treat dating as a discovery process - of whether a person is right for you - you are not ready to date. At the moment, as someone has said above, you are trying to be the person he will choose, thus auditioning for the part of his girlfriend.

He has no right to try to get you to change. He only has the right to walk away if you are not right for him. If you were ready to date, you would see that his actions mean he is not right for you, and so walking away is the right thing to do for you.

'Walls' aren't boundaries. They are signs saying 'keep out '. Healthy people take those signs at their word, and do exactly that. Abusers, like burglars, see a potential victim and set about scaling the walls.

He's played you like a good 'un. Walk away and this time block him.

Sorry op, but he sounds really manipulative. It was HIS choice to stay around when you had said you weren’t ready to date. He can’t throw that at you now or demand you do the same back. If he found that draining he shouldn’t have done it. Nor can he demand you do stuff for his business.

Love is about accepting the other person AS THEY ARE and not demanding them to change. If he cannot accept you the way you are, or if you feel a need to change for him, you should not be dating.
He sounds sulky and abusive tbh.

You describe him staying around when you told him you wern’t ready to date as supportive, but I wonder if that was his intention. It actually sounds like he wasn’t really respecting your boundaries and staying around to use it as blackmail now. That’s mental abuse. Don’t start a relationship with a guy who is coercing you, and being mentally abusive.

Being selfless isn't a good thing. You're not a doormat, you're a grown woman and your first obligation is to take care of yourself. It's not to put his needs before your own all the time. Just be yourself - if that isn't enough for him then let him go.