Guilt of feelings surrounding death of MIL

[Conflicted12]

MIL died over a year ago. At the time, I didn't cry and just focussed on supporting DH who was very upset. I just assumed that grieving would ultimately kick in, as MIL was in my life for nearly 40 years.

However, I find that instead of grieving, what I actually feel is relief that I no longer have to deal with her. I managed to maintain harmonious relations with her for the 40 years. However, the constant lying and manipulative behaviour and favouritism to certain grandchildren was challenging. I feel really bad that I can't draw a line under it and focus on MIL's good qualities.(of which there were many).

I could never admit these feelings to DH. He misses her but acknowledges that she was difficult.

Don’t feel bad. People don’t suddenly become nice just because they’re dead, and dying doesn’t cancel out all the bad behaviour.

Maya Angelou said “People don’t remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel.”

You reap what you sow, and this is what your MIL sowed.

You have your feelings about MIL’s death, and your DH will have his. No need to try and match them - they are two separate relationships. You’re doing your bit by supporting him in his grief - you don’t have to share it.

I think how you feel is perfectly natural. You're feeling your feelings privately and not slagging her off to DH so no need to feel guilty. Lots of people feel similarly after the death of a loved one.

Of course you're relieved. Death doesn't magically mean total amnesia about the amount of mental energy you needed to devote to maintaining what sounds like a difficult relationship. DH's elderly mother is very challenging, and I know that when she dies, I will not be personally mourning, or only for the people (DH and his siblings, her surviving siblings) who did genuinely love her, while acknowledging she was a very difficult mother and sibling.

Totally agree with everyone. She was difficult and now you don't have to experience that. But you did support your family through their grief.

Thanks so much everyone for making me feel much better. I have been feeling so incredibly guilty. As time has gone on, the sense of relief that MIL is no longer with us has only solidified.

Interesting.

I've been in the in-laws family for 30 years! I can remember both of them working, pretty much every sibling brief fling or long term partner. I've driven every car owned since the 1990s.

I think when I married in, I figured we'd get closer, more shared occasions etc but since the siblings recently traded in for new partners I'm even more firmly in the in-laws section.

I also just don't think I'll grieve at all. I'm sad about the lack of emotional connection. I'm proud that I've supported DH but as far as all my in-laws go including the siblings and the kids, I just feel we've done a bit of performative meet and greets. Funerals are just a variation on that.

It wasn't how I'd imagined it all those years ago.