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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to understand husband childhood. And would you just prepaid 1 year and just let him get mad?

5 replies

stayathomewife · 25/09/2024 09:00

Husband is not English/European/American/Westerner.

His parents they were Political Refugee/Political Asylum, they came here with nothing and started all over empty handed. In his childhood, his dad was the one that stay home (stay at home dad), and his mom was the breadwinner.
His dad was the one that does all housework and raised him (my husband) and his older sister.

I do not know what his dad taught him in his childhood, or perhaps told him to not follow his dad footstep. In my husband adulthood, he does the opposite of his father, he is the one that is 100% breadwinner bring home the money, I'm the housewife (my husband wants the dynamic way, he must be the breadwinner, period).

Let cut to the chase, his dad and his older sister both deceased. His mom right is 81 and paralyze since her stroke and kidney failure. My husband is the one that has been paying for her Private Nursing home and medical care.

In order to have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical care, he has to work 80 hours a week, 12 hours a day.
He also take his mom to Dialysis 4x times a week (the whole Dialysis process is 4-5 hours), so 20 hours more a week of his time.
So that is 100 HOURS a week is his work and his mom.

He wants to take her to Dialysis as he see it as mother and son time as his mom time is limited (end stage kidney failure).

I don't mind all this, I get it, I'm a health wife, while his mom is dying. What I don't like is he throw himself to work 80 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for her Nursing home and medical care.

WHEN I have my businessman father inheritance, I want to use the heritance to help pay for his mom Nursing home, so he not have to work 80 hours a week. He so so busy that he only sleep 4 hours a day.

He shut me out completely on the inheritance, reasons the inheritance money is my deceased parents leave for me, and he not want to use a penny of a woman's money.

I'm at my wits end, I think of just go to and pay ahead 1 year of the Nursing home for my mother in-law, and just let my husband be mad. Nursing home don't care who pays as long as they get their money.

This I know my husband will get mad, but I do not know if I have any other choice. What would you do? I'm just so mad, he has me and my inheritance to help him, but he keep shut me out.

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 25/09/2024 09:02

Sure I’ve read this before and you were given lots of advice on that thread 🤔

stayathomewife · 25/09/2024 09:10

northernlight20 · 25/09/2024 09:02

Sure I’ve read this before and you were given lots of advice on that thread 🤔

Right, I was told to divorce him and take my inheritance and go back to China, but I don't want a divorce, so here I ask, should I ask just go ahead and pay ahead one year for his mom Private Nursing home, and just let him get mad.

I don't want a divorce, I am trying to find a way to solve this beside divorce.

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 25/09/2024 09:15

But, I’m not sure what else you would like ppl here to say as you don’t want a divorce so I advice you do whatever feels right for you. the answers lie with you only 🤷🏿‍♀️

GuestFeatu · 25/09/2024 09:17

I think you should both go for some relationship counselling. There are so many problems that mums net just can't help you with.

C152 · 25/09/2024 09:52

stayathomewife · 25/09/2024 09:10

Right, I was told to divorce him and take my inheritance and go back to China, but I don't want a divorce, so here I ask, should I ask just go ahead and pay ahead one year for his mom Private Nursing home, and just let him get mad.

I don't want a divorce, I am trying to find a way to solve this beside divorce.

But what will realistically be the outcome if you ignore your DH's wishes? Will he be angry and then get over it, or will it be something he can't move past?

I think it's admirable he wishes to care for his mother, though I don't agree with his revulsion for taking money from a woman. Have you been able to have any sort of in-depth conversation with him about the positives sharing the cost of your MIL's care will have for everyone? Your MIL will still get the care she needs, her son can still take her to all her dialysis appointments, but if he's not working so much, he can also spend more time with you and will, presumably, have more energy as well.

Could part of his resistance also be that he wants to be the one to take care of his mother in all ways, as some sort of proof that he loves her or is a good son?

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