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Original poster

Open marriages/relationships??

24 replies

pedilia · 21/04/2008 14:21

Following the influx of cheating threads, just wondered if anyone on here has an open mariage?

I belive that they can work, I know a couple who have had an open marriage since they first married 25 years ago. They had established ground rules which they both abided by, now they are older and children have flown the nest they have decided that they still love each other very much and have settled down to just be with each other as they enjoy their older years.

Not sure it is for me but i can see that it can work for some.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/04/2008 14:23

I have a friend who has a kissing ok rule. She makes more use of it than her DH but it doesn't cause any problems. She has gone too far in the past (IMO) but nipped it in the bud before getting too deep - and never had sex with anyone else.

However it's absolutely not for me!!!

branflake81 · 21/04/2008 14:25

Not for me, I could never contemplate being with anyone else other than my OH and would hate it if he was.

SheWillBeLoved · 21/04/2008 14:32

I think the term is Polyamourous? Or something along those lines It's not for me. I've seen it work for some people. I believe that if you're with someone, then that's just it - you're with them and no one else. If you can't handle that or want more than that - then don't get into commited relationships.

3missys · 21/04/2008 14:37
KatieScarlett2833 · 21/04/2008 14:39

Not for me, would drive me crazy.

jesuswhatnext · 21/04/2008 14:48

over the years i have known 4 couples who said that an 'open marriage' was best for them - ALL of them have since divorced, ground rules are only ok if you take the 'human element' away, iyswim. Most men seem to be able to seperate sex from feelings, this does not seem to be the case with most women, most women seem to need a mental connection as well as the physical to really enjoy the sex.

don't flame me!, i said 'most women' and 'most men' not all!

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/04/2008 14:54

If it works for them and they are not hurting anyone, then I'd say live and let live.

BTW, I don't know anyone who openly admits to an open marriage, but know a couple who used to swing.... he ran off with a woman he met on a swingers website.

Citronella · 21/04/2008 15:41

Everything what 3missys and Jesuswhatnext said.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 21/04/2008 15:42

MadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaameZ????!!! Over here my love!

GooseyLoosey · 21/04/2008 15:50

I had a 6 year "open" relationship before meeting dh. Our ground rules were fairly loose but openess was required. On reflection the reason for this was that I did not really want to be in a long term relationship (fairly young) and he would have done just about anything to be in one. Everyone we knew thought that we were the perfect, most in love couple they knew. The reason for this is that we dealt with each other more as "mates" than as partners as I at least did not have enough invested in the relationship to do anything else. I was happy in the relationship but I am not sure that it was an emotionally good one for either of us.

I love dh with a fierce passion that was totally lacking in my previous relationship and the idea of our relationship being "open" is laughable and utterly beyond comprehension.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 21/04/2008 16:09

Quite Goosey.. that is what strikes me, that if you have a need for more than monogamy, then perhaps you are merely not in the right relationship.

I know us humans are not very swan-like (ie good at mating for life) but am tempted to strongly believe, in most cases, that we are meant for one relationship at a time!

mampam · 21/04/2008 20:39

I agree with 3missys, swinging is ok in your fantasies, but once you've crossed the line there's no going back. Surely having sex with your dp/dh wouldn't be as exciting anymore, as having it with a stranger would be more so. I would be wondering if my dh was comparing me to one of the other women that he'd slept with.

I personally wouldn't want an open relationship but have nothing against it. I guess it's a matter of whatever floats your boat.

oregonianabroad · 21/04/2008 20:44

I was quite promiscuous before I met dh, which was fun and painful in equal parts. I now think that monogamy adds some special intimacy and trust to a relationship that is one of the essential qualities of making a relationship work.

morningpaper · 21/04/2008 20:46

I have friends in an open marriage - been together for about 20 years

I don't see how it can work either but I'm always sort of impressed

morningpaper · 21/04/2008 20:49

(they are gay men - I don't know if that changes it)

Janni · 21/04/2008 20:52

Can't help thinking that if it's an open marriage it's one that's holding together for the sake of something, rather than because they want to be together.

The swinging thing should remain part of sexual fanatasy if you want a healthy marriage i.m.o.

Divastrop · 21/04/2008 20:59

what other consenting adults do is their business,but i wouldnt want an open marriage.i cant even begin how its possible to love your oh yet want to have sex with other people.if you want to sleep around then why get into a long-term relationship in the first place?

i was pretty promiscuous in the past but i prefer quality over quantity any day.

wannaBe · 21/04/2008 21:04

surely an open relationship is just a relationship where neither party is totally committed.

You can't have your cake and eat it, IMO.

LadyBabo · 21/04/2008 21:08

We have a open-ish marriage. I am bisexual and have had several casual girlfriends while married to dh (not all at the same time, that would be exhausting). However relationships with other women have always steered clear of any deep feelings and in one case stopped before developing any further on her part.

We have never felt that this threatened me and dh's relationship, if anything has enhanced it, but the thought of ever going near a bloke other than dh? Yack! Forget it!
Just doesn't appeal.

Swinging / open relationships work for so few people, in the main it will destroy both partners, I reckon. But very occasionally, it just seems to work (for both people) but oooooh so rare. I think blokes think that the stories they read in porn mags are real! ("And then her sister came in...")

mampam · 21/04/2008 21:17

Ladybabo, just curious really, do you think that your DH would like it if the relationships you'd had with other people were with men?

duke748 · 21/04/2008 21:48

I am currently in an open relationship and have been for about 6 months.

We live about 2 hours away from each other and when we see each other we mostly act as if we are in a relationship, but when we are apart we are free to do as we please with whom we please.

It works for me right now as I don't want to have to compromise like you would need to in a relationship and enjoy going out and having fun.

It really doesn't bother me, the thought of him with someone else, which is strange, as I have felt very jealous with other partners in the past.

I guess it works for some at some times, and as others have said, if it works and no one is deceiving anyone, then let it be.

littlewoman · 22/04/2008 16:39

My xh was in an open relationship. I never was. So we split up. Oh, that's called cheating isn't it?

Couldn't do it myself. If I'm really into somebody I only want to be with them.

beaniesteve · 22/04/2008 22:07

"We have a open-ish marriage. I am bisexual and have had several casual girlfriends while married to dh (not all at the same time, that would be exhausting). However relationships with other women have always steered clear of any deep feelings and in one case stopped before developing any further on her part.

We have never felt that this threatened me and dh's relationship, if anything has enhanced it, but the thought of ever going near a bloke other than dh? Yack! Forget it!
Just doesn't appeal.

Swinging / open relationships work for so few people, in the main it will destroy both partners, I reckon. But very occasionally, it just seems to work (for both people) but oooooh so rare. I think blokes think that the stories they read in porn mags are real! ("And then her sister came in...") "

I find this very weird. Why do you find it more appeaking with women? Surely you are attracted to men too?

beaniesteve · 22/04/2008 22:07

I mean appealing

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