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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you think my Aunt regrets not having children of her own?

13 replies

Moustachemaker · 24/09/2024 22:33

My Uncle married a woman almost 20 years younger than him many years ago. He had two daughters by his first wife and his second wife (who I'll call Aunt as he met her shortly after I was born) had no children at all before him or with him.

She's always made out that she never wanted children, that children take freedom away, that she was too career driven etc. My two cousins (uncles daughters) both tried to have children of their own but both struggled with fertility and so never had them either. Both are wonderful with my kids when we see them. My aunt makes me feel inferior for having the children. She'll say things like "I always thought you'd be a lawyer. It surprised me when you had the children quite young..."

My Aunt is a very attractive, intelligent and classy woman who has always been aloof and quite self centred at times. She once likened herself to Princess Diana. More recently she has begun making odd comments. Often on socia media too if I post something of the children. She has never ever once said it was my choice to have children like it or lump it, but you certainly get that vibe from her. She makes abrupt remarks and if I mention that a child has vomited, she turns her nose up and says how disgusting it is for me to mention child vomit, yet talks openly about her dogs stitches coming open and about her recent eye operation in detail.

Do you think that actually she regrets having children and that's why she makes all these condescending remarks and pulls all these ridiculous faces? She's made a flippant remark today about me trying to get a GP referral for my child as I think she potentially has a food allergy/intolerance.

Other family members laugh about it and clearly think she's something special. Personally, I think she's quite sad about her life.

OP posts:
Gummybear23 · 24/09/2024 22:36

Ask her?

poppyzbrite4 · 24/09/2024 22:37

No one can make you feel anything. I have no idea why she makes those comments but I would pull her up on them and ask her to stop.

ElleintheWoods · 24/09/2024 22:44

No, I don’t think that’s regret.

Obviously her behaviour is obnoxious, rude and not right. She’s putting you down and seems to think of her views as superior, don’t want to dwell too deeply as to what she may have going on psychologically but doesn’t seem like regret, not one she has admitted anyway.

But she just seems quite convinced of her views and trying to enforce them on others, which isn’t great. In fact some non-parents have views that aren’t socially acceptable in the company of parents, they just know not to express them. I’ve certainly heard some interesting things said in private.

Nannerli · 24/09/2024 22:45

Why are you so set on her secretly regretting not having children? Why is it so incredible that she genuinely thinks you’ve limited your life by having children young, and doesn’t conceal this, and is genuine in her disgust at mentions of child vomit? It perhaps makes her somewhat tactless, but it’s far less of a stretch than trying to convince yourself your life is enviable to your aunt?

1033NWCAL069 · 24/09/2024 22:50

I have no idea. I think we would have to be psychic to know. But I know a couple of women in my family who are a lot like this and I don't think it comes from bitterness or envy or anything like that. They just like goading people and know what buttons to push for different people.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 24/09/2024 23:03

Her behaviour sounds irritating, and hurtful when she is being flippant about your child’s health. Is she close to your cousins if they were her stepdaughters - is there potentially some complex feelings about them not being able to have children despite wanting them? It’s hard to tell from your post whether she is expressing some hurt or ambivalence about not having had a child or whether she’s just fed up of children being the focus. Either way I would be stepping back from her a bit and putting some boundaries down “You’re welcome to unfollow me, but please dont make negative comments on my social media” or “I am happy with my choices, I would appreciate a more positive attitude to my children” etc

ChiliFiend · 05/04/2025 09:35

She quite obviously doesn't like children.

Thelnebriati · 05/04/2025 10:03

Instead of trying to work out why a person is like that, just focus on putting in some boundaries - but without giving them more ammunition - and make sure you are clear about the consequences.
For example, if you set rules about how she posts on your social media, all you do is show her where your weak spots are and its possible she'll carry on doing it out of spite. If she posts something nasty just delete or hide her comment. If she continues then restrict her ability to comment.

If you want to try to improve the relationship between you, or her and your children, don't link that to your boundaries. Keep it separate and positive. So don't set a boundary and ask her for positive comments about your kids. Those are two separate tasks. The first one is within your control and the second one isn't, its up to her.

InMyMNEra · 05/04/2025 10:06

ChiliFiend · 05/04/2025 09:35

She quite obviously doesn't like children.

I think it’s as simple as this

Cornettoninja · 05/04/2025 10:10

She sounds like a bit of a self absorbed dick tbh. I haven’t really got time for people who are only capable of elevating themselves by putting others down.

who knows whether she actually wanted children and this is all some sort of self defence mechanism. It doesn’t change the fact she’s an unpleasant dick and no one should be forced to accept her socially unacceptable behaviour because she might be experiencing regret.

FreeRider · 05/04/2025 10:36

No, and it's quite insulting and patronising of you to think that she does.

I could be your aunt - I don't like children, always knew I wouldn't have any and now at the age of 56, I don't want to read about their every bodily function on social media. Not every woman worships at the altar of parenthood, you know. I haven't regretted my decision of a single second.

She might think you have a 'sad' life. If it's getting to you so much, I suggest you either delete her from your social media, or just ignore her.

MayaPinion · 05/04/2025 10:40

Some people can’t feel good about themselves without putting others down. It’s quite easy to brush it off.

‘I thought you’d be a lawyer’ for example ‘So did I at one point but I love the way things have worked out’, etc.

Mochudubh · 05/04/2025 12:16

Maybe she did want children but wasn't able to have any and telling people she didn't want any became her way of coping with intrusive questions.

Maybe her step-daughters' infertility has brought back the raw emotions and she just wants to shut the subject down.

I think you should accept she doesn't want to talk about kids and move on.

I hadn't read @cornettoninja's post above but I think "self-defence mechanism" is a good explanation. I disagree that it makes her a dick though.

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