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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moody DH

15 replies

fruitypancake · 24/09/2024 20:51

Anyone else have a moody DH? The slightest thing seems to set him off and then he gets moody, sullen , acts like you've committed the crime of the century over minor trivia . It's so frustrating. Otherwise a happy relationship and he has lots of good points but omg this drives me mad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2024 21:48

The responsibility for his moods is his and his alone. Ignore him and do your own thing. Never try to at all chivvy him along out of it.

How is the relationship otherwise happy?. Or are you merely trying to put a gloss on things.

I would think he is not as moody around other people and if that is indeed the case this treatment is reserved for you people as his family. He is doing this because he can and he has learnt it works for him.

It sounds like a miserable existence for you and if you have children its bad for them too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2024 21:49

Moodiness like this is another form of emotional abuse.

Original poster
fruitypancake · 24/09/2024 22:10

Thank you all .. yes at its worst it can feel like emotional abuse . It definitely correlates with how tired/ stressed with work he is . When away on holiday he is much more relaxed and less tendency to mood although not unheard of .
Lots of his moods come from disagreements over our teenage DS who iis well behaved the vast majority of the time and lovely to be around . Often DH will pull him up on something minor , when I dare to offer my opinion ( not in front of DS) I get accused of not taking his feelings into account . Basically if I disagree he gets in a mood . Sometimes I keep quiet to keep the peace but that's not really me so it tends to come out

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitypancake · 24/09/2024 22:12

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/09/2024 21:48

The responsibility for his moods is his and his alone. Ignore him and do your own thing. Never try to at all chivvy him along out of it.

How is the relationship otherwise happy?. Or are you merely trying to put a gloss on things.

I would think he is not as moody around other people and if that is indeed the case this treatment is reserved for you people as his family. He is doing this because he can and he has learnt it works for him.

It sounds like a miserable existence for you and if you have children its bad for them too.

Yes I do often chivvy him out of it, lie you say. Will try to ignore but is hard as I see life slipping by and I wonder how many hours /days he has spent being in a mood

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 24/09/2024 22:28

You say life is slipping by, how many hours do you spend OP trying to chivvy him up or having to think about and be quiet to keep the peace?

He gets to be moody king of the castle with you dancing around after him.

As you say life's too short.

Pallisers · 24/09/2024 22:34

I grew up with a moody sibling and one trait I was absolutely certain was a deal-breaker in a partner was this.

It is immensely tedious to have to tip-toe around someone, chivy them out of a mood, worry about what sets them off.

Basically if I disagree he gets in a mood

There you have it - you said it yourself. It is a very effective way of controlling someone.

EarthSight · 24/09/2024 22:37

Sulkiness like that suggests that there isn't enough conflict resolution going on when you have disagreements, for whatever reason. It's possible that's how he learnt to deal with such matters growing up. Such petulance is often a sign of emotional immaturity.

That's the lighter interpretation.

The darker one is that some ruthless, angry and entitled people do that to punish their loved one into submission. They know it causes a horrible atmosphere, that's it's emotionally painful, and that's why they do it. Usually it requires an audience. Very poisonous, and can be abusive and controlling. You'll know if it's that if you try to separate yourself from him and he ends up following you or interrupting you to make sure you're witness to that sulking.

I find it such a turn off and corrosive.

Original poster
fruitypancake · 24/09/2024 22:40

EarthSight · 24/09/2024 22:37

Sulkiness like that suggests that there isn't enough conflict resolution going on when you have disagreements, for whatever reason. It's possible that's how he learnt to deal with such matters growing up. Such petulance is often a sign of emotional immaturity.

That's the lighter interpretation.

The darker one is that some ruthless, angry and entitled people do that to punish their loved one into submission. They know it causes a horrible atmosphere, that's it's emotionally painful, and that's why they do it. Usually it requires an audience. Very poisonous, and can be abusive and controlling. You'll know if it's that if you try to separate yourself from him and he ends up following you or interrupting you to make sure you're witness to that sulking.

I find it such a turn off and corrosive.

I think it is the top one , emotional immaturity . You can't argue with him, he's always right and will NEVER back down or apologise .

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitypancake · 24/09/2024 22:41

Pallisers · 24/09/2024 22:34

I grew up with a moody sibling and one trait I was absolutely certain was a deal-breaker in a partner was this.

It is immensely tedious to have to tip-toe around someone, chivy them out of a mood, worry about what sets them off.

Basically if I disagree he gets in a mood

There you have it - you said it yourself. It is a very effective way of controlling someone.

Yes , definitely an element of control. Often passive aggressive but denies if I pull him up on it

OP posts:
EarthSight · 24/09/2024 22:42

Pallisers · 24/09/2024 22:34

I grew up with a moody sibling and one trait I was absolutely certain was a deal-breaker in a partner was this.

It is immensely tedious to have to tip-toe around someone, chivy them out of a mood, worry about what sets them off.

Basically if I disagree he gets in a mood

There you have it - you said it yourself. It is a very effective way of controlling someone.

It's one of the reasons why I left my partner of over a decade.

Whilst he didn't sulk solidly for hours on end like some, his moods could change like the wind. I thought at first that maybe he wasn't aware he was doing it, but then I realised it was much more manipulative and a game than I first understood. I reckon over the years, he grew to love having someone fawn & dote on him when he was like that. He would mostly deny that anything at all was wrong, when I could plainly see there was, and I reckon he loved that.

I was just so desperate for it to stop as we only had a small house and I didn't have any friend nearby I could go visit to give myself a break from it. The amount of times I had to fawn and ask and entertain him to get him to smile and come out of it, even when I was going through really hard times and bullying at work myself....absolutely corrosive.

Original poster
fruitypancake · 24/09/2024 22:43

frozendaisy · 24/09/2024 22:28

You say life is slipping by, how many hours do you spend OP trying to chivvy him up or having to think about and be quiet to keep the peace?

He gets to be moody king of the castle with you dancing around after him.

As you say life's too short.

You've hit the nail on the head there " king of the castle ' ! It feels imbalanced for sure. I often think he would have been better off with someone meek and mild that did just agree

OP posts:
Original poster
fruitypancake · 24/09/2024 22:46

Yes @EarthSight he does this too- pretending that nothing is wrong when his whole demeanour is saying otherwise - leaving you questioning have I done something wrong when you know damn well that you haven't

OP posts:
Pallisers · 24/09/2024 23:00

I will say that my moody sibling married someone who had zero tolerance for her desire to control through moods or any other way. And he managed his marriage just great - they are very happy and she would never ever try to control him or be moody.

She still tried it with me in our adult lives - it blew up spectacularly after a while. I reckon her husband got away with it because she could inflict it on my parents and me. Once my parents died and I no longer tolerated it - well she stopped with me too. one of her kids doesn't get it either - and wouldn't tolerate it. the other is just like her and the two of them are locked in an emotional whirlwind.

What I'm trying to say is it is a choice. This way of living works for him because he is getting something from it. He could modify if it was worth it to him.

Not sure what to say to you, OP, but for a start I would just absolutely ignore the moods. When he says "you've not taken my feelings into account" just say "I have actually - and I'm sure you've taken mine into account too. Now what will we watch on tv" ignore, ignore ignore. Do NOT ask him what is wrong. Pretend that nothing is wrong. give no oxygen to his mood.

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