I was with my ex, James, from the age of 15 to 18 (1996-1999). He broke up with me because he told me he'd realised that he was too good for me and deserved better. I was distraught for about 3 weeks and then moved on and have never wanted him back or personally reached out to him at any point in the subsequent years. I have been with my dh for 20 years, and happily married for 14.
I am on good terms with all my exes. So if I see them around town I chat to them and am friendly towards them, and, until I deactivated my accounts I was friends with them all on social media.
Since we broke 25 years ago, James has reached out to me every few years whenever his relationships are on their last legs. He has also friended me on Facebook, then later on defriended me, then months/years later sent me another friend request with an excuse why he'd defriended me before, then he'd defriend me again, and then later on send me another friend request with another excuse and so on. I think he's done this maybe 4 times so far. Unrelated to this I deactivated my social media accounts around a year ago.
Anyway, what's made me curious about why he behaves like this is that a few days ago, due to living in an area that's been flooded, I reactivated my Facebook account to get local updates on roads that were closed etc. This morning I woke up to a message on my phone telling me James had sent me a message (I've not heard from him since 2021). I went into my messages and it said the message had been deleted. When I went onto Facebook he'd sent me another friend request.
I ignored the request and deactivated my account again, and going forward I have no intention of having any further contact with him as he's too much like hard work (I have also blocked his number on my phone). But it got me thinking about why someone would keep behaving like this to their ex- friending and defriending on a cycle, reaching out to me every time his relationships end. I asked my dh why he thought James did this and he said "because he's a dickhead" and my sister said "because you're his security blanket". He had a miserable childhood and was neglected emotionally by both parents, and when we were together my mum really took him in under her wing so I can kind of see the security blanket comment but it doesn't make sense why he would reach out to me rather than her.
I know someone on here will say "why are you so invested in an ex from 25 years ago" but it's not really about him, it's more trying to understand the psychology behind his actions.
Is there anybody here who understands the male psyche and can explain why he behaves in this way?