Affairs

[Charstar1234]

Do people miss their affair partner after they chose to stick it out with the partner they cheated on?
even if it’s been years??
people who had affairs only answer thanks

Yes, I had a EA for a while many years ago during a relationship, and where an emotional connection existed you do miss an affair partner, for me it lasted about 5 years. Like you would miss a friend who suddenly disappeared from your life, and at certain moments you’ll think of them and wonder how they are doing and wish you could get in touch to ask.

But that is not the only emotion, there’s also regret and despair and shame and angst. And still the factors to address that led to you getting into the mess in the first place.

I learned a lot from crossing that line into an EA - it hurt my AP, it hurt my then DP, and it hurt me.

Now, decades on, I still think occasionally of AP but now it’s almost entirely with overwhelming feelings of shame that I ever allowed feelings to develop. And I remind myself, it wasn’t a real relationship - it existed in a bubble outside real life - you can feel a bit wistful about the might-have-beens, and you have to remind yourself that those day-dreams are fantasy.

I have never cultivated friendships with men since that day, as I consider it too risky. So I guess overall I miss the company of men, because I’ve become very insular.

Why do you ask, OP?

Because I want to to know

.

Did you stay with the partner you cheated on afterwards? No judgement just wondering

You keep asking the same question only phrased in different ways OP.

Didn't have a physical affair but an emotional one, and the feeling of it ending is like real grief that never seems to fade, and of course I can't discuss it with anyone.

I never got close to thinking of actually being with him, but it's a bit like losing your best friend; every day there are multiple moments where I think 'he's like that/laugh at that' then remember I can't share it with him.

I have no desire to explode my family over it, but it's opened my eyes and made me realise that I'm missing feeling desired, loved, interesting, sexy etc at home, and he was filling that gap.

So being without it again is hard, and of course you lose the dopamine hit of having someone constantly making you feel amazing and desirable.

Not really but if that’s how you feel block me or scroll on simple as that no need for this

If feelings are involved in the affair of course the AP will be missed. It's a loss that is grieved. Possibly for a very long time.

I didn't mean to be offensive OP. Just wondered why so many threads.

Not an answer to your question, OP, but as an ex OW I do wonder whether he thinks of me at all, and if so whether it's with wistfulness, regret, shame or disgust.

@SunsetSkylane you have articulated it exactly how I feel, except much better.

@Charstar1234 yes, I stayed for too long. Years and years. It was my first serious relationship and it was really flawed, which I guess is how I became vulnerable to a friendship outside my relationship developing into something that crossed into an EA. You are welcome to judge me, I certainly judge myself. No matter how terrible the circumstances in a relationship, it’s morally cleaner to leave and then look for someone new. It’s weak and ultimately more damaging to let yourself drift into affair territory. I realised that, and I felt awful. I wanted to stay to prove that I could heal the relationship, and to mend the hurt I had caused. But ultimately I was in the wrong relationship. it took me too long to realise that my then dp was clinging on for the wrong reasons.

Ironically these days I think of my ex dp far less than I think of AP. AP and I were extremely compatible in so many ways, but we never got to yes if that could translate to a real relationship. I never got that closure, Which was entirely my fault.

I have sometimes considered that I’m just not designed to be with one person for long periods of time, I find it very difficult. It’s troubling. I’m not a “bad” person, but I’m deeply flawed.

@idrinkandiknowthings if it’s disgust, i expect that would be directed at himself.

Guilt, at the hurt and wasted time caused to you. The last thing I ever wanted was for my AP to suffer. I do still reflect on it, and hope that not all the memories are bad.

I had a very strange accidental meeting with AP once, after he moved abroad. The overwhelming feeling on my side was awkwardness. On his side, I detected curiosity and a lingering sadness.

Its best left in the past.

Do you think you stayed because it was the right thing to do and you was scared of being alone?
also can I ask is it because you think of the AF partner because they had something that your partner didn’t?
nah judgement free zone here

@GertieN I agree, I've been dismayed to think that, maybe, I'm not someone who is destined to be married for the rest of my life.

The situation has left me with a seemingly incurable restlessness, I am constantly seeking new and stimulating things and experiences, and unfortunately my husband isn't really the same, he's happy with the status quo I think.

So you’re saying you’re staying with your husband because it’s the right thing to do?

Yes I did.
We had affair...ended after his wife found out..both of us did a lot of talking about how it would work being together. Logistics, children,jobs ...we could not see how it would work.
We met again 5 yrs later...he was divorced and I was separating...
I thought about him and missed him every single day we weren't on each others lives.
We have now been a couple for more than 6 yrs ..

It's certainly right for my kids @Charstar1234 and I don't think I've really got to a decision about whether it's right for me yet; I think that's going to take a while to work its way through and leave me with a decision.

I do not think I was scared of being alone - sometimes the loneliest place to be is right in the middle of a relationship that you think is broken, whilst your partner is repeatedly telling you that everything is fine.

Yes, definitely things missing in our relationship — DP strongly in denial. And some things wrong from my point of view which I overlooked for too long, hoping that the relationship and dp and I would grow through those problems. But dp and I never agreed about those problems, let alone the solutions, and that’s where we came unstuck.

Yes, also a desire I suppose to try and do “the right thing to do”, which might mean trying to make the relationship work if your partner wants to try again. A feeling that it’s worth trying to save a relationship and restore the “good bits” whilst fixing the bad/missing bits. Not out of a sense of duty or belated morality, but trying to ensure dp and I both had a chance to try and make things right.

I'm glad it worked out for you. Life is not black and white. It seems like both your previous relationships were not right. I'll not judge another over something like this.