Totally confused by how someone can think like this but I am starting to get really angry about my gf (or ex I suppose) keep changing her mind. I have posted on here before as we went through a tough patch in summer and against advice of friends I didn't back out of relationship. LONG POST WARNING!
Background - 2 normal 49/51 yo, two kids and all is normal. Did a holiday with all of us in April which was great, similar upbringings, morals etc... Met 14 months ago and was a bit of a whirlwind, felt totally amazing, not felt anything like it before. Then after holiday tells me she doesn't thing we have the same spark she had with ex and he got back in touch. A few months of her being indecisive, we were not 'together' but saw each other every 2 or 3 days, days out etc... had some very passionate times and when we said to not message each other were both useless at sticking to it. Both as bad as each other for that and intimacy etc... Had, on a high level discussion, the fact we could be happy to move in together pre-holiday. Not sure either are each others ideal types in some ways but we do have an amazing connection and have not felt that before even though she would not be someone I go for in a bar.
After a while, I did give an ultimatum - she needs to choose me or walk away, and we sort of stumbled into giving things another go. I guess I was quite relieved so didn't really give things much thought. We booked a couple of trips away and it was ok, although I did back off a little as she prefers to be more laid back rather than planning. Didn't really stay round each others much which I assumed was just wanting to take things slower.
Went away last weekend and had a great time, but she was a bit off with me last week. Had my parents round so we didn't see each other much and I 'annoyed her' by keep offering cake and bread I had made (she is trying to lose weight, but it wasn't meant in a bad way). She did make a bit of a fuss about not tagging her in stuff on FB that trip which alarmed me a bit (but to be fair she has hardly posted on there herself in last 6m).
So, Sat I bumped into an old friend at the pub, we had a beer and he was telling me about his rubbish date that night. In front of me he started looking at his dating app and guess what, as he was swiping I saw her picture. it said new here, and I was shocked by seeing that. So I popped round the next morning to confront. Some of her comments in no particular order:
- I was going to tell you after you parents left, I was bored Sat night (probably believe her on this)
- I think I just see you as a really good friend (but she is very touchy feely and all over me sometimes)
- There isnt the spark (sorry but I totally don't believe that based on some of the times we had together)
- When I see you its amazing but I don't miss you so much when you go (compared to her ex when she did, but he lived 3 hours away, I live 5 mins)
- Feel I had more of a spark with him (different relationship, but if it was that good why not go back with him)
- The height thing bothers me (I am an inch shorter) and I can't get over that - but if everything else is so good does that matter and why did we keep going for so long
- I want to have more male friends (reason for the app rather than finding a bf). She does have male friends
- Not looking to shag around, just go out and do stuff
- Don't like the bf/gf label or being in a relationship
- Spent the last 8 years in a long distance relationship so used to being on my own more
So all these things, many of which I find contradictory and she seems to just be throwing stuff out there. I do agree that we are best friends and if she doesn't see past that I get it, but why book trips (even last Wed she was saying about booking something for Dec).
She disagreed when I suggested that it could be something with menopause (sorry for throwing that in but my ex wife went through a tough time with it, especially not knowing what she wanted) but she denied it was a factor.
I am not prepared to go on/off/on/off like I did in the summer. I feel like she has crossed the line in 2 ways - one with the app, and secondly by making plans and wanting to make more but seemingly on a friend basis, but not telling me that part. When se suggests a trip in Dec I stupidly think things must be ok.
I think I could have stayed friends had she chosen ex over me as thats life, but this really has angered me. I feel a mug, embarrassed... It almost sounds like the perfect FWB situation, we do stuff together and have the occasional moment but I am not wanting that. I do want that conventional relationship.
I think I know what people will say - I was going to say a) that what she has said makes no sense, she keeps picking things and throwing them in, so lets go on our trip in a month and put effort in before that and evaluate then, or b) you have messed me around too much now, I can't even be friends the way you have treated me (which is a pain as we have mutual friends, will bump into each other a lot).
I guess most will say b, but is there a chance she genuinely is confused and it could be hormones or something causing all this indecisiveness?