Have I messed up?🤔

[Ribbeddress]

Long story short - I basically accused my DH (twice in very short space of time) of cheating when he was actually totally innocent. It’s the first time that something like this has happened so I’m definitely not those insecure/jealous type of women and I normally have 150% trust in him/our marriage. Not gonna go into the details of why I accused him but it ended up being a whole misunderstanding and now I feel really bad 🥲 he told some of his family members (my in-laws) and that really broke my heart because we usually keep matters to ourselves and resolve it as a couple but now I feel like it’s gonna become something for them to gossip about and as they didn’t hear my side, it’ll definitely paint me out to be some paranoid jealous insecure wife (which I am certainly not). Anyway, he’s mainly upset that I didn’t trust him (which I completely understand) but I feel like I’ve really messed up 😭 what should I do?

Presumably you had good reason to suspect your DH of cheating, especially as you say it was totally out of character for you.
Why did your DH feel the need to involve other family members in this? Surely it was a matter to be discussed and resolved within your relationship? Involving other people seems a betrayal in itself.

You must have had good reason. If the tables had been turned presumably he would have suspected you if you had been in those circumstances? Quite why he ran and spilled to all and sundry is another matter.

You need to talk and keep talking.

Are you totally sure he isn’t cheating?!

So you accused him twice in a short space of time. Totally out of character, so something must have triggered something in you to jump to that, no?
And it turns out he wasn't. But he felt the need to broadcast this to the family, and not keep it quiet?
That sounds so very odd. Unless it was something like he went and stayed at their house because you'd kicked him out and he told them it was because you thought he was cheating? But even then, most men would come up with another excuse, like a simple argument.
So are you sure he isn't cheating? Just not with the person/situation you have accused him with/in? Sounds like he may have announced your paranoia to his family in order to show how wrong you were (on that occasion) in case anything does crop up in the near future.
But i do overthink everything if something seems even slightly out of place!
if you're totally sure it was a misunderstanding, make sure the inlaws do know your side of the story. Treat is a bit of joke between the 2 of you and show them all is good now. and tell your dh to stop airing your misunderstandings to his family!

That is a big 'misunderstanding'. One that surely could of only happened because at the time he was being secretive? There would of been nothing to misinterpret if he was being more open about things. So hiding stuff is on him.
He might not of acted on feelings, but if he's been spending time with another woman, it could of still been an emotional affair, which is still wrong and not putting you first at the time.

I think where you messed up was that you 'accused' him, instead of inquiring, sharing your concerns and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Especially since you've never had a reason to be suspicious in the past.

You must have hurt him on a fundamental level. The fact that he needed to confide in others, means that you're no longer the safe space where he can bring his emotions. You're the one who hurt him.

I would start by apologising, profusely, and stop trying to defend why you did this or what your reasons were, or shifting the indignation to him talking to his support system about it. You are not the victim and shouldn't be looking for ways to spin this into becoming the victim.
Own up to what you did, how injustified it was, and how much you've hurt and offended him. They work on repairing what was broken.

Have you got another thread on this?

It’s difficult to know how much/if you have messed up without knowing how it was possible for it to seem like he was having an affair.

Was he being secretive about something?
Being late home with no explanations?

We all trust our partners but if their behaviour changes and suggests an affair well of course we start wondering and questioning.

Does he acknowledge that it looked suspicious? Can he see why you accused him? You can agree that you will tackle things differently next time if something seems off again.

How do you know he told the in laws? Have they mentioned it to you? Do they also know all the unique circumstances?

If he was unfairly accused of having an affair not just once but twice in a short period of time I can understand why he felt the need to talk to someone else in his family for support. It's not a normal run-of-the-mill marital issue. It's one that could very easily lead to divorce.