Too bad to stay or too good to leave?

[Waffleswithhoney]

I’m not really sure where to start and I don’t want to drip feed. I have been with DH for nearly 20 years. Good times and bad over the years but I’m at a point recently where I feel like we’ve maybe come to the end of the road. Being perfectly honest, if we didn’t have the DC then I’d definitely have asked for divorce. Probably 8-10 years ago.

In a nutshell, DH has been a long time abuser of cocaine (which he admits to) and has in my opinion alcohol issues (which he doesn’t agree/admit to). During the worst times of cocaine abuse he has used sex workers and been unfaithful. And gone on days long binges where he would be out of contact and I’d have no idea where he was.

He’s habitually lied and been cruel. For example one time he was on a big binge overseas and I had an accident which involved me being taken to hospital. It was complicated by the fact I’d had major surgery 10 weeks before and also had a young child. He was told what happened but didn’t contact me again until he was back in the country a couple of days later. He didn’t even ask who was looking after our child.

Most people we know would be shocked to hear this. He has an excellent job and is generally well respected. Obviously a lot of his friends know about the cocaine and alcohol but it’s quite normalised within some of his groups.

It’s also important to say that since the DC have came along he has calmed down somewhat and I have very strict boundaries around the drug use and our home. He’s now been drug free for over a year. But continues to drink.

So that’s where my dilemma comes in - he hasn’t cheated in a few years (as far as I know) and he’s now drug free. The binging on alcohol has decreased massively also. He’s had therapy and addressed a lot of issues. He treats me very well most of the time now and I can see he’s making a massive effort (for him).

But I just feel ‘over it’. Like too much has happened and my patience and tolerance have just ran out. He doesn’t understand how now he’s doing everything right (in his view) and it’s not enough for me.

There’s so much more to this and so much I’m leaving out. But I feel like so many people we know would be telling me I’m mad for considering separating and he’s a great guy but I’ve been keeping his secrets for so long I don’t know what to do.

Drug abuser, alcoholic, uses sex workers and you have children.

Why are you still with him? Do you want your children to grow up and be with partners that do that?

I think it's amazing you have tolerated his behaviour all these years: most women would have found any and all of the things you describe totally unacceptable in their marriage.
What if other people do think he is a great guy? You know he isn't! And he has forfeited any right to expect anything of you.

You feel ‘over it’. I think you are very justified in feeling this way. It is too bad to stay in my opinion. Too good to leave is just the appearances but the substance has been lacking for a long time. The fact that you say ‘ He doesn’t understand how now he’s doing everything right (in his view) and it’s not enough for me’ says it all about how he has not prioritised you and your child in the past. It is way too little, way too late.

Obviously not. But if I described him using those words to 95% of people who know him they would think I’m crazy. I know some people would just not believe it.

The DC are not exposed to any of that behaviour, since they came along he’s only engaged in drugs and cheating when out of the country. And when he drinks heavily he has to stay elsewhere. They think he’s at work.

And thats a big reason for him changing over the past year. He realised it was hypocritical to do things to me that he would be horrified for his children to experience or do themselves.

Too good to leave?

He doesnt sound very good.

leave him.

I don’t know how I’m tolerated it. Boiled frog maybe?

Also a lot of gaslighting. Being told he’s a catch and I’m so lucky. That everyone does what he does and I’m the one with an issue. That even when I’ve seen things with my own eyes that I haven’t really.

What’s his good bits OP? I mean it, there must be. I’m curious if others think he’s a catch? Is he good looking or charming or funny or a high earner?

He only uses drugs and cheats when he's out of the country so that's OK then. He sounds amazing, don't ever let him get away!

Your AH of a husband prioritizes his dick and drugs over you and your children. Good luck telling your children he's at work when he ends up in prison.

He has very openly admitted that he didn’t prioritise me at all. He had little to no empathy at all as a person until the last 5 years or so. He would say that he has prioritised the DC and in his own way he has. And over the last year with therapy he’s really turned a corner.

But I’m so fed up with teaching him how to be a functional adult and parent. I’m so frustrated. And apparently that’s terrible because I should be an understanding wife and help him.

No one helps me, why should he have his hand held and be gently explained to?

All of the above. Person of ‘good standing’ in the community. Life and soul of any event. Gives a lot to charity.

Makes sure to look good in public. Saves the shitty bits for me behind doors. And expects my complete silence. I’ve never told my siblings, best friends etc about any of this. I had never uttered a word of this out loud until I started therapy last year. So only my therapist knows any of this in real life.

You really do deserve better but only you know what your life will look like if you leave so only you can make that decision.

Too good to leave / too bad to stay is when you like each other but have fallen out of love.

Not sex workers, drug and alcohol abuse and endless gaslighting! You've given this guy enough years. If it STILL feels wrong then call it a day. You matter. Your feelings matter. You're a valuable person who deserves to live an authentic life in your own right 💐.

Thank you for saying that I deserve better. I do know this but it’s hard with years and years of being told that he’s great and if he’s done something wrong then it’s my fault. It plays with your mind.

Post split it would be massive upheaval for my DC and them spending 50% of their time with him without me there.

I’m the only person who tells him when he’s in the wrong. Everyone else surrounding him tells him he’s fabulous and great.

I’d feel free. But at what cost to my DC?

Also he has the money and connections to do whatever he likes. If he decided to make things difficult for me then he could. He’s already blocked me getting legal advice in the past.

OP you sound like all the love and respect for him has gone. And maybe now you are completely indifferent. Perhaps a death by a thousand cuts situation. I’ve been there.
It’s very unlikely it will come back.

Start planning to leave, see a solicitor, maybe keep it to yourself for a while. Start thinking about how it will look and feel to be away from this person (who quite frankly is still taking the absolute piss with his ‘get over it’ attitude) and building a new life.

If you decide to leave and people you care about just don’t understand, well you can tell them he’s a druggie who cheats with prostitutes. If they believe him over you, they aren’t a friend of yours.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this OP. He truly is a cunt of a man.

💐

OP you don’t need ‘a reason’ to want to end your marriage, it’s your life, if you are unhappy you can just decide. Nobody else knows your situation, don’t worry what other people think! You deserve a calm and peaceful life, not wondering if the next drink or drug binge will occur whilst you are giving your all for your babies. Can you imagine in the future if your children told you that this is what their marriage was like…..what would you tell them? Please choose yourself as hard as it may be.
Get your ducks in a row (make copies of important docs, bank statements etc) get some free legal advice (most solicitors offer 30 mins free) and start to ‘quiet quit’ until you are ready to tell him. I’m not saying it will be easy but you can do it, you must be a strong woman to have gone through all this already. Good luck x

Where's the good bit?

You should never feel you have to cover for a partner's bad behaviour. If it's too embarrassing for friends to know, it's too embarrassing for you to know as well .

You may be surprised anyway. Lots of people have probably realised he's not what he claims. They just haven't said anything. That's normal - think of any great celebrity scandal - it always comes out and then people say they knew all along. Not everyone but there will be some at least who have seen or heard something.

The most helpful thing someone on here said to me was, you don't need a reason to leave, it's your life and you can do what you want. It's a very liberating feeling. Just think what bliss it will be once you're rid of him.

You are obviously not happy and it sounds like this is not what you want for the rest of your life.

He is not a good catch, he is someone with social status, money and charisma. That does not make him a good life partner.

I left an unhappy marriage to someone who drank too much sometimes, lied to me sometimes and was unpleasant to me at times. I was often told I should help him and it was my problem that I didn't like it.

I had 2 DS aged 4 and 7 when I left. I'd just had enough of it and felt I'd lost the will or desire to try and make it work anymore. I had got to a stage where I no longer loved him and I wanted a chance to find love in my life.

Sharing parenting with him was a nightmare post divorce, but I survived. He tried to make my life a misery for years to punish me for leaving, but I still don't regret my decision. DS2 is now almost 18 and I will hopefully never have anything to do with him after that.

I eventually realised throughout my younger years I'd been much more interested in dating people I'd be happy to take out to a party than people I enjoyed the simple everyday things with.

I'm now remarried to a lovely man who is my ideal life partner. He wouldn't dream of treating me badly like my ex did and we have a really happy life together.

I had very much changed what I wanted by the time I met him. I'd realised it was so much more important that I felt comfortable, safe and contented with a person on a daily basis than to be challenged by someone, continually having to struggle with their difficulties.

I also no longer cared what other people thought of the partner I chose. I used to fear that others might judge me on the basis of the person I was having a relationship with. I had become much more confident in myself, which really helped me with this.

My now DH is not the kind of person who is ever going to be the life and soul of the party, but I love him. And to be honest, everyone I know thinks I was so lucky to have met him.

@Waffleswithhoney What would you advise your daughter if she was in a similar situation?

What would you say to your son if you discovered he was behaving like his father?

Please talk to Women's aid.
You are the definition of a hugely abused woman.
Start by telling family and friends the truth.
Tell your GP.
You and your children deserve so much better.
Find another solicitor and tell the truth.

You have wasted enough of your life on the low life.

He is utterly abusive scum.
Start making plans and start telling the truth about your sham life.

You are protecting him ahead of your children.

I echo@Bantai, please speak to Women's Aid and seek their support and advice.You are in an abusive relationship with this vile man and he has silenced you to protect his reputation.
You have a raft of reasons to leave him so please put your children first and start making plans to do so as soon as you can. Stop protecting him and protect yourself and your children instead.

Sorry OP, but we only know what you have told us and despite underlining his good points, he really does not sound too good to leave. It's time to put an end to this.