Need some sense knocking into me!

[Confusedaf24]

Got with my ex in 2005, first few years he was in and out of prison after being recalled several times. Totally blinded by love. DD born 2009. Back to prison when she was a toddler up until she started school, then again on and off shorter sentences for petty crimes. Is heroin and crack addict, plus alcoholic in my opinion. First realised he was taking heroin when I was heavily pregnant. Very green and knew nothing about drugs up until then - very knowledgeable now sadly. Visited him with our child religiously all the time he was in prison. Realised 3 years ago that there has never been a point he wasn’t on drugs in our relationship, even when he was hiding it from me. Verbally abusive, occasionally physical especially when drunk or coming down. Gradually beat me down over the years so my self esteem was zero. Police always at my door, occasionally with search warrants. Three years ago I kicked him out of our home. I had hidden the drug taking/abuse from my family and friends in as far as I was able. Obviously wasn’t able to hide when he went to prison. Completely blindsided everyone, to everyone else it came out of the blue. Our child was 11 and it ripped her world apart. Even though we both walked on eggshells around him it was all we both knew. Fast forward to now. I have new partner - relationship has its own challenges as we both have children (none together) and are like chalk and cheese, but he’s kind, not abusive, no vices. My mother passed away earlier this year after a short cancer battle, my father already been dead for several years. The one and only person I wanted for support during the agony of losing my parent was my ex. The past 3 years his addiction has worsened, he’s been in and out of prison, periods of homelessness. I have a restraining order. Our child doesn’t. Recently found out he’s back in prison, and also rekindled a relationship with the woman he left for me almost 20 years ago. I miss him. Feel like my world has imploded and it’s him I need. I miss talking to the other parent of my child, having someone to feel proud of her with, having that family unit. I miss the familiarity. So as not to drip feed have had contact from children’s services at one point 2 years ago - he was failing drug tests and they wanted to make sure he wasn’t having unsupervised contact with our DD. He was horrible to me. Stole from me, and our child, belittled me, called me names. Why do I feel like I miss him? Please someone talk some sense into me.

Please contact Womens Aid. This isn’t love, it’s a trauma bond.

For the sake of your child you need to break it.

Thank you. Have had lots of support from lots of fab DV charities. Definitely agree with the trauma bond bit - I just don’t know how to break it. Just to be clear I haven’t told him any of this or had any contact with him, nor has our daughter.

Would he actually have been supportive over your bereavement? Or just a distraction, filling your brain with ups and downs and cortisol? I guess you'd have shared memories of them, but it seems like it would have just been an act of self-harm.

It sounds like there's still a trauma bond.

Have you had any therapy? If you have, maybe you need more.

You know he's bad for you and your dd. You need to ignore the pull of self-destruction and focus on having a good life without him.

Please do the Freedom Programme. Seek some extra counselling for this trauma bond. You don't love this man, however your brain paints the picture.

Trauma bonds are really difficult to break, the only way is no/low contact. It took me two years to feel normal again but now I’m out the other side I’d never go back. I know I can never speak to him again though.

Is therapy an option? You’ve been through a really hard time, I’m sorry for your losses x

Yes I feel like he would’ve been supportive - but also used my grief as a stick to beat me with. I have had lots of therapy, still ongoing. The freedom program sounds like a good idea. I’m aware it’s a trauma bond but not sure how long I can live like this. Three years on I’m still crippled with guilt at kicking him out, ruining his relationship with our daughter. He’s incredibly manipulative, we’ve had no contact for a long time, but I genuinely feel as if I would be relived if he was back home.

Thank you. I have PTSD, from losing a parent at a young age and also from the abuse I suffered during our relationship. I haven’t had any contact for over a year, and I have a restraining order. But I miss him, or I feel like I do. I won’t contact him, but I wish the hurt would go away 😞

You didn’t ruin his relationship with his daughter, he did. You took steps to protect her.

If you let him back you are letting her down badly. You know this x

My logical brain definitely knows this. My emotional brain believes what he’s always said, that it is all, all my fault. Thank you for being kind x

But surely having to cope with these feelings, difficult as they are, is better than taking him back and getting physically, verbally and emotionally abused, having your money stolen, having your dd see you revert back to his victim, teaching her a terrible lesson about what relationships look like?

What you're feeling is just a bunch of fucked up emotions - you don't have to succumb to them. You can ride them out.

Yes, agreed, thank you. I will just ride out the storm. She doesn’t really remember so much of the sad/bad times. She remembers going to visit daddy at ‘work’, and daddy playing games with her and taking her to the park because mummy was too exhausted from living a lie. Though there are times where he was drunk and the police had to be called and the screaming and being terrified if she spilt her drink that she remembers too. No matter what way I look at it I’ve let her down.

No you haven't, you got you and her out of it.

He's the one who let you both down.