Need advice on how to help mum

[blondie4567]

I hope that some older (and more experienced!) people can give me some advice with how to help my mum after an affair.

She has been with my step dad for over 10 years, I'm now almost 22 so he's been around for ages. We've always got on ok, but I've never been a huge fan. He can be quite aggressive and angry at times, also tells me and my mum off for making rude jokes, staying up late chatting when he goes to bed.

Anyway, around a year ago my mum found out about his affair. She'd been building evidence for ages and had suspected, but he was the absolute king of gaslighting and denied it all and shouted at her, chased her round the house with her phone and tried to take it off her when she was showing him screenshots of them meeting up secretly. She did leave him for a few weeks but they decided to reconcile and make it work, but she is not at all happy.
She is constantly paranoid, checking his location and worrying where he is. She is always in her own little world, very snappy and irritable with me at times too. He is also nasty to her. You would think after having an affair and being taken back he would grovel like anything, but he shouts at her for minor things, talks to her in such a horrible and disrespectful way. He is also not particularly nice to me, making comments on my weight and just being generally unpleasant to be around. A prime example is over Christmas this year I overheard him having a go at my mum in the kitchen for buying me presents because I 'didn't deserve all that stuff.'

I suggested to my mum that we go out for drinks just the two of us for a bit of a girly night out, but she said no because he would go 'ballistic'. Apparently he is now constantly accusing her of having affairs with random men from the gym, even once followed us into the shop when this man she knew started chatting to her despite saying he would wait in the car. I don't think he trusts us to be left alone together in case I convince her to do something he wouldn't like??

Every time I look at him I have this absolute blind rage where I could genuinely go for him, he has made my mum completely unrecognisable to me, she is an absolute mess. I have tried to tell her how worried I am for her and how much she needs to leave for her own sake, and she agrees and then forgets she ever said it. I know these things take time, but I feel so helpless because I just want her to be happy again and know she deserves so much more than this pathetic excuse for a husband. There's only so much I can do as I'm away at uni doing a masters, with my own partner, moving to America next year, and I can't always be there for her but I am so scared of leaving her alone to be miserable.

There's little you can do. I'm guessing he's still cheating from the way he keeps accusing her; it's projection.

He's abusive, controlling and domineering. I can only suggest two things, one she gets therapy. This is with the aim of building up her self esteem and helping her build her confidence to leave. Two, contacting a domestic abuse organisation for advice and support.

He probably wants to drive you away as abusers like to isolate their victims to have control over them.

I was considering going to a domestic abuse charity to see what they said, because all of his behaviour just does not seem right at all and I do really worry about her. She has admitted to me he is a textbook narcissist but I just don't think she has the courage to leave him, she said she feels under some kind of spell

It's very frustrating. All a DV organisation will tell you is to get her to contact them and to keep supporting her.

It might help to help her with the practical arrangements. Where would she live, what would she live on, what would she be entitled to etc If she's willing you could go with her to see a solicitor. It might make her feel more confident.

What she feels is trauma bonding, it's not love and it's not a spell. It's a very strong bond abuser and victim have due to the nature of abuse. You could also show her the cycle of abuse and see if it fits her situation.

Ask your Mum to read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft to give her some insight into his awful behaviour. Also if she's open to it you could suggest she has some counselling which might give her the confidence and support she needs to leave him.

I know it's difficult, but there's nothing you can do or say to make her leave him. That's a decision she'll make when she's ready.