Happy now but what if we go off each other in a year or so?

[sharazad]

After my divorce I am now dating again and after the usual crummy time on online sites and dodgy men I have met a nice guy I've been seeing for a 5 months now. It all seems really great, we are loved up and happy doing lots of cool things together and I'm even meeting his family soon (he has met mine already and everyone thinks he's nice).

I am so tempted to think this is it, and that we are on the path to a long term relationship, maybe living together even marriage, he says the same. However a few friends tell me to remember that we are still in the honeymoon phase and that in 6 months or a year if we are still together issues will come up. That when the fug wears off I'll find things about him I don't like, I'll get the ick or he will show his true colours in some way or decide I'm not worth settling down for, or you know just about any possible reason.

I just can't get my head round that like in my 20's we could be so happy and loved up now and then in a year or two it just doesn't work out and I'm on my own again. The stakes somehow feel so much higher at this age as the pool of available people to date shrinks and I get older. I'm in my mid 40's and so many women I know 40's and 50's have had relationships with new men at this age which just don't work out and it feels like the longer it goes on being single, dating the less likely you are to find somone.

I also don't want to feel frightened into dating a guy I don't like just so I have someone.

No way to know until it happens unfortunately. I too thought I had met the love of my life and even at 1.5 years in was convinced he and i were going to be together forever. It did not work out, he broke my heart and ruined my life for a while afterwards but I do not regret it because we learn from past relationships and mistakes but unfortunately things can and do change over time just enjoy what you have right now and do not worry about the future. It is not something you can change.

Don’t overthink it! Just relax and enjoy the happiness just now. No one ever knows what’s going to happen.

Sorry to hear that, this has also happened to so many women I know and it makes it so scary. When I was in my 20's the risk didn't seem so much as it does now somehow. I feel quite vulnerable in many ways. I don't want these hard experiences at this point I have been though enough I want some good times and a man I can trust and rely on long term!

Well what things/situations do you need to tick off before you're reasonably sure he's a good 'un?

• Time together. Not much you can do about this one.
• Seeing how he behaves in a stressful situation.
• Seeing how he treats people who are serving him (eg a waiter when the food has been really poor).
• how he treats his family
• how he treats people he really dislikes or falls out with. Is he still calm and civil, or is he nasty to them? This is how he'll treat you when you have an argument down the line!
• when you raise an issue with your relationship, does he listen, take your point on board, and make changes?
• does he raise any issues with you or does he bottle up problems and communicate badly?

Just some of my own 'tick list' I needed to see before I was certain of my DH, because these are the things that told me he had the solid character and behaviour habits to be a good life partner. It's worth thinking about what your important things are, which tell you about the core of who he is, not the facade he wants to show you. As you tick them off, you can start to think more seriously about him.

^ this. Unless you spend this time to get to know each other, how can you know if things will turn out well or not?

also: some friends (both single and unhappily coupled) may have jealousy/an agenda behind what they say!

Everything is fine now but I know that I probably have my rose coloured glasses on and am very loved up. A good friend of mine was similar a few years ago, really happy with her partner of 2 years, they were engaged, moved in but they had a fight one weekend, he chucked her out and within a month he had a new girlfriend and had totally blocked her on all channels. Even now she isn't ready to date again but still wants a partner in future but is hesitant.

I'm in my mid 40's and so many women I know 40's and 50's have had relationships with new men at this age which just don't work out and it feels like the longer it goes on being single, dating the less likely you are to find somone.
I've been with my dp since I was 48 - almost 8 years. He had a heart attack this summer. He's recovered well, but honestly, this is not an age at which you can count on even the loveliest of partners being there the next day. Enjoy what you have; don't waste the time you have with them imagining how you might be single.

Don't stress. Enjoy the here and now. Don't rush it.

I was in this exact position but I am 35. I thought my bf was perfect he even lives with me after 1 month. I've recently discovered he does fucking cocaine and he's lying all the time. I hate drugs. He's lying telling me he isn't but I can tell with the sweats and slowness etc (makes adhd ppl like this and calm) anyways I'm observing at present but I really do still love him

But everyone is in the same boat, OP.

No one knows if a relationship will last or whether they'll discover things that will put them off in a year or so.

No one of any age knows this.

I agree with that.

OP, don't be fixated on having a long term relationship, it's too soon for a real commitment with this one yet anyway.

You may not feel it atm but you are still quite young and there will be plenty of men around in the future if this relationship doesn't last.

However, if you both want it to, it might so I wish you happiness.