Do gaslighters change?

[winterysolstice]

I realised my husband has been on and off gaslighting me for about 10 years. I didn’t realise this was what was happening. The things it happens over are really petty and inconsequential but he can’t handle the fallout from admitting wrongdoing and so goes for the gaslighting manipulation. It has caused me a lot of misery over the years, feeling insane, having to fight for myself with what I know to be reality. Being patronised, and being accused of being the one doing wrong (reverse victim). The thing is, they are truly tiny things so if I tell anyone then it sounds like I’m being really unreasonable. The things they are over are not the issue though, it’s the effects of being gaslit and how it has affected my mental health to be made to feel crazy.

It happened again last night and I blew up at him, told him I realised he’s a gaslighter and that it’s psychological manipulation and abuse. He denied this tooth and nail until I read out an article about gaslighting and it was right on the money. He couldn’t deny it anymore. He actually got pretty upset and said he didn’t realise he was abusive. He was abused himself growing up. He has since found two books to read, one on the impact of gaslighting on victims, and one on non-violent communication or something. He has also said he will work on his mental health (he has quite bad anxiety). He has already started reading the books.

After ten years of this I feel exhausted. I’m wondering if there is any hope for him to truly change, and if anyone has been in this situation?

Well if he didn't realise what he was doing and the penny has now dropped, maybe he will work on it. Only time will tell.

I've name changed for this.

It's not something I'm proud to admit but my partner pointed out that some of my behaviour was manipulative and she was completely right. I didn't realise I was doing it, I was horrified when I looked at it from her perspective. I was 100% committed to changing and we are very happy now. It took a while to get out of habits that were unhealthy but if your partner wants to work on it, I think it's possible.

It's incredibly important that he leaves the door open for further discussion. If he didn't realise he was doing it, then he may not realise if it happens again and he needs to be willing to take that criticism and work on it, every time you point it out.

I really hope it works out for you OP, the effect of manipulation in a relationship is horrible for the person on the receiving end.

If he is willing to put the work in, yes. I imagine it can be done unconsciously- often it’s deliberate, though, and done to manipulate the other person. If he follows through with these promises, see what happens. If it’s just lip service that will become clear soon enough and you will have your answer.

Op, don’t try to argue with him about who is in the right and who is in the wrong because he will never accept his wrong doing! Instead shut him down by saying “stop gaslighting me, this is what happened, you know it, I know it and that’s how it is. I can see straight through you so I’m not discussing it any further” then don’t engage any further or let him draw you into an argument. I’ve dealt with many gaslighters and whilst this will not stop them doing it, you will be holding HIM responsible for his actions rather than letting him draw you into an argument and trying to make you believe something you know never happened. Or happened but he’s trying to blame you for it!

On another note, if he actually realises he has a problem and is willing to listen and work on it, he may be able to change with help but I have never witnessed this happen myself. Most gaslighters have a lot of narcissistic traits and it’s extremely rare that a narcissist will even admit they have a problem, let alone change.

You know, OP, I think people can change. I say this because I have. My mother, along with a whole host of other manipulative behaviours, gas-lighted me through-out my childhood and I thought it was normal behaviour.

As an adult, I only gained insight into my own behaviour patterns when I tried understand my mother's erratic behaviour and my poor relationship with her. I realised I gas-lighted without ever thinking about it. I absolutely hated this, and have worked ever since to change. I can say that when it happens now, it is very rare, and not a default behaviour like it used to be.

Hope this helps.