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Original poster

Is this normal

13 replies

Owlgirl1987 · 22/09/2024 23:32

My husband had an affair that was found out last year. We have stayed together and have done marriage counselling.
I was just wondering if anyone has been in this position and do you find yourself still thinking about what happened and worrying about what could ha2ve happened and comparing yourself to the other person ?

OP posts:
Manyshelves · 22/09/2024 23:35

Yes I did. He didn’t stop seeing her.

I don’t see any way back from it and wish I’d left straightaway instead of dragging it out

TipsyJoker · 23/09/2024 00:58

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com

they say it takes 2.5 to 5 years to come to terms with infidelity. I’d imagine you should prob still be in therapy tbh. It’s something you’re going to need help with. You won’t be able to actually just get over it. You’ve been betrayed. It takes time to work through that and put yourself and your marriage back together again.

SurvivingInfidelity.com Home

Surviving infidelity support forums for those affected by Infidelity and Cheating

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com

thiscantbemylife · 23/09/2024 01:01

In my case too it was fake reconciliation. He just hid her better. Two years of thinking we were okay and one day he left abruptly and within months he admitted he was with her.

I would never do it again.

thiscantbemylife · 23/09/2024 01:02

If someone cheats especially in the case of emotional affairs not one night stands somewhere.

They will always have that connection and months can go by until one of them has stresses or a need for validation and one of them will crack and reach out.

Can you hand on heart believe if this woman reached out he would tell you or would he keep it secret again?

savethatkitty · 23/09/2024 02:28

@Owlgirl1987 Yes. My DH had a short lived affair in 2019. We stayed together and worked at it, but my goodness, it took me ages before I stopped getting reminded of her, or triggered by her. The feeling of being "replaced" or "not good enough" has never really gone away, for me. I suffer hugely with anxiety and PTSD. I compared myself to her, even though she was 20 years older than me (and DH) so at a completely different "stage". You wonder what she has that you don't. It sucks

Clementine22 · 23/09/2024 02:51

I think it’s totally normal but I also think don’t dwell on comparing yourself with her, whatever his reasons for being a ding dong are on him. Do not think you are not ok or good enough.

Ive been cheated on multiple times and I don’t let it make me feel bad about myself, if they wanted to be berks and cheat that’s on them.

You seem to want to work it out so keep going with the counselling and it may well help. But obviously you need a sense of stability and reassurance in the relationship which is to be expected.

Questionsquestions23 · 23/09/2024 07:44

Yes it’s the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night x

Original poster
Owlgirl1987 · 23/09/2024 22:51

Manyshelves · 22/09/2024 23:35

Yes I did. He didn’t stop seeing her.

I don’t see any way back from it and wish I’d left straightaway instead of dragging it out

So sorry you got treat like that and he gave you false hope. Hope you feel a better and stronger person now

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlgirl1987 · 23/09/2024 22:56

TipsyJoker · 23/09/2024 00:58

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com

they say it takes 2.5 to 5 years to come to terms with infidelity. I’d imagine you should prob still be in therapy tbh. It’s something you’re going to need help with. You won’t be able to actually just get over it. You’ve been betrayed. It takes time to work through that and put yourself and your marriage back together again.

Thankyou for this information. I will definetly look at it.
It's so hard when I had suspicions before it came out and was always made to be paranoid and silly and then when the truth comes out tou feel so confused and betrayed and don't know whether you are coming or going.
I think it doesnt help rhat I feel like I can't talk to family or friends about how I am feeling as they think I should be over it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlgirl1987 · 23/09/2024 22:58

thiscantbemylife · 23/09/2024 01:01

In my case too it was fake reconciliation. He just hid her better. Two years of thinking we were okay and one day he left abruptly and within months he admitted he was with her.

I would never do it again.

I'm so sorry you were treat that way, it is awful
How child he want to reconcile and still carry on with her.
It must have been hard for you to be betrayed and hurt twice by the same person.
I hope you are recovering well

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlgirl1987 · 23/09/2024 23:03

thiscantbemylife · 23/09/2024 01:02

If someone cheats especially in the case of emotional affairs not one night stands somewhere.

They will always have that connection and months can go by until one of them has stresses or a need for validation and one of them will crack and reach out.

Can you hand on heart believe if this woman reached out he would tell you or would he keep it secret again?

I wish they never knew each other. Its hard because it was my husbands best friends partner who he has the affair with. So we saw them alot and our kids are only a few months apart so that's been awful aswell to try and explain to our son why he didnt see one of his friends anymore without telling him what his dad did.
He has told me before and showed me that she messaged him. He had deleted her number ages ago, but doesnt stop her getting in touch.
She messaged him last Christmas calling him names and being sarcastic and saying she hoped he was enjoying Christmas with his family.
I just keep thinking she hasn't been in touch for ages, but what can stop her doing it again and then she will be in his head and puts me on edge feeling like will she ever go away or will she just keep trying to get in touch every few months

OP posts:
Lunamoon23 · 23/09/2024 23:19

@Owlgirl1987 block her number on his phone, along with the social media profiles and email addresses to prevent her being able to contact him again.

However, I'm firmly of the stance, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'.
To be able to do this not only to his partner and child, but also his best friend and kids shows that in HD!!

MonsteraMama · 23/09/2024 23:21

Pal of mine tried to get over it for eight years and never could. Sometimes you just have to chuck in the towel and treat yourself with the respect and dignity that your partner failed to when he stuck his dick in another woman.

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