How do you know your marriage is over?

[MsStar247]

As the title says, for those who have gone through this, how did you know definitively? Where there wasn’t a major occurrence. No cheating, gambling, drinking etc. He is a decent man and a good father, sometimes a bit cross but generally kind. Main issues are his lack of drive which affects everything. He is not interested in pushing himself in any sphere, no hobbies, v little interest in seeing friends or family, struggling to make progress in his career, largely due to modesty rather than a lack of ability.
I moved to live near where he is from so it is really odd to me that we have no one on his side to socialise with as it wouldn’t interest him so I either go out with my friends that I have made or else organise a night for us. I organise everything, finances, holidays, childcare, mortgage, birthdays, Christmas etc etc.
I am the higher earner (this is not a big deal for either of us of itself) with a lot more stress but have all the mental load as well. I don’t mind organising everything as I am good at it but have repeatedly implored him to just be nice and organise the odd date or trip away to show a bit of appreciation. He never does unless it is to end a row and on request and then promptly never does it again.

I gave up smoking before we got together and it is a real no no for me; he has smoked and hidden it and lied throughout our relationship, pretending he has given up then I find cigarettes in clothes for wash. I know it is horribly hard to give up, I did it myself but he doesn’t appear to even want to which I find crazy with all the information we have now and having small kids. I would also respect him more if he would just say that it is his decision and that he is going to smoke rather than continually making a fool out of me and himself.
I do find him attractive still and our sex life has still been good, maybe even better than pre-kids, but lately the other stuff is just killing any possibility of passion for me, I can’t do it even though I would like to in a general sense. In turn I think the lack of action is making him crankier which starts more rows and on it goes…
He isn’t depressed or anything, he just seems to like his own company and being at home and watching films or whatever. He is quite emotionally contained so there is very little in terms of praise or appreciation. His mother is quite dour and a home bird so this is maybe something I should have anticipated 😬
My own parents had a dreadful relationship (alcoholism, violence, affairs) before divorcing and I really thought I had done so well to marry someone not like that who was calm and stable. Now that I am in my 40s though I find myself wondering if this is it, I am basically a hamster on a wheel and am responsible for all the serious stuff as well as all the fun in the house which is so draining. Surely it is not too much to ask that each person contributes to these.
We wouldn’t have managed to buy a house if it wasn’t for me, no question about that, and he got the house he wanted in the area he wanted. I am a good mum and 100% dependable for my kids. I make an effort to look well and make sure to never miss a birthday or present situation on his side so keep all the in-laws happy. All I want is to feel that I am married to a grown-up who recognises my contribution and can lighten the load a bit and show some appreciation here or there.
But with all that said, I do think that maybe this isn’t enough to blow up a marriage and maybe I just need to be more realistic and suck it up. Having a stable family with adult kids coming home to family Christmasses and other occasions was a really big goal of mine and I wonder to what extent this is what marriage is… 🥹 Have read a lot about women hitting peri or menopause and realising that what they have is not reciprocal or enough and think that was definitely a trigger here too (on hrt for early peri though and feeling really good besides)
Any experience/perspectives appreciated, thanks

When your heart sinks when they come home.

When you don’t enjoy spending time with them and would rather they were not there. When you are not looking forward to spending the rest of your life with them, when you doubt they are a good person. It’s so rough wishing you all the best 🥰

Talk to him. You need to set boundaries. You need to tell him that you expect him to do xyz because as things stand, you are seriously doubting the relationships future. Tell him you’re unhappy. Tell him you don’t feel appreciated. Tell him you want him to treat you like he would if he was trying to pursue you if you were single. Also, you talk about how you’re a good mum and you do all these things for your family but what do you do for yourself? What hobbies do you have? How often do you socialise? Are you growing your own career? He might not want to do these things but if you do, you should. And you should be telling him that whilst you do that you expect him to pull his weight at home. That means childcare duties and household chores, etc.
I wouldn’t give up on your marriage just yet. Communication is key. Talk to him but talk about how you feel and don’t focus on his flaws. Talk about what you need and how you need him to support you in meeting those needs. Also, maybe sit down and write a list of all his good qualities. Often we get peeved with the things that our partners do that bother us and forget to focus on their good qualities. There are reasons why you fell in love with him and although no-one is perfect, he will have some good attributes. And finally, do some self reflection. What are you doing in all of this? Are you speaking about your feelings, wants and needs or expecting him to just know? Are you withholding affection because you’re annoyed that he’s not meeting your needs even though you’ve not communicated them? Are you focusing only on the negatives and ignoring the positives of your marriage?
Marriage takes work and effort. You have vowed to love in good times and in bad. So, unless there’s abuse or you’re in danger, you should try to live up to the vows you made. I really hope you can work this out for the sake of you and your families happiness.

I think the way he treats you is disgraceful and abusive. You are basically his servant, except he is the one who is paid by you. He doesn't even have the common decency to be kind or thankful. I would not waste a second more of my life on a lazy grumpy deceitful person who treated me like that. This is your one life, do you really want to waste it propping up this man?

I was in the exact same situation just over a month ago. I’m the higher earner, I did everything for the kids, the house, the dogs whilst my husband was adjusting to his new job and going fishing on his days off.

in the end, and after years of having the same conversation, I told him I wanted to separate. He’s now moved out, has had to set up his own house, sort his own bills and clean up after himself and our boys. I can finally feel like I can breathe. I’m calmer, less irritable, I’m not snappy with the kids because I’m not constantly stressed. Me and the husband get on pretty well, we sort boys schedules out and he’s had to take an active role in the organising.

who knows what will happen in the future and whether there’s a way back for us. But honestly, as hard as it’s been to have that conversation with him it’s been one of the best decisions I have made for myself and for our children who are no longer living in a stressed and snappy home.

my only advice is to keep talking, keep trying to be heard and I hope he listens and you can save your marriage.

I know this is an old thread, but did you leave?