Relationship advice - newborn

[NewbornMum243]

I have a 4 week old and I need advice. I'm so sleep deprived. He's not a bad sleeper in comparison to other newborns but I haven't had more than 2 hours of sleep at a time in a long long time. I find myself so angry and frustrated and overwhelmed and I'm lashing out for the most minor transgressions at DH, who is being incredibly supportive and hands on, he doesn't deserve it. This is always in the middle of the night, never in the day. I'm just so desperate to get baby to sleep, that by the time he is asleep, I'm an overstimulated mess. I'm self harming, lashing out, and I have come close to shaking the baby. I wouldn't, I still have enough self control around the baby, but I can now see how that happens. And that scares me and makes me feel incredibly guilty, and then I'm just in a vicious circle of tired, upset, guilty, inadequate. DH is so good with the baby, I keep thinking they're better off without me.

Obviously it's not true but when the next day comes, I'm sitting worried that I'm ruining my marriage in all this. I just don't know how to relax, sleep when the baby sleeps etc. Especially not after he's sucked my nipples for 20 minutes, and he won't burp etc. I can't contemplate formula or expressing, that would just be another piece of work right now, especially now breastfeeding is finally going really well.

Surely other women have been here? I can't be the only rubbish one? I'm too embarrassed to speak to anyone in real life. All my relatives (mum, grandma etc) have been so negative and patronising about how horrible life is with a newborn, that if I voice anything, I'll just get "I told you so" and "just let him cry".

DH already does all the nappy changes at night and some of the soothing, bopping around to get baby back to sleep. He's also doing all chores around the house. There's isn't much else he can do tbh. And that in itself makes me feel even worse about how inadequate I am.

Can your husband take some time off work and take over while you rest? Perhaps you can get a pump and express some milk?

Can you stay with your mum for a few days, I know you feel embarrassed, but you sound at the end of your tether.

I would speak to your health visitor about your feelings.

Your feelings are completely valid. This newborn stage is HARD. It does sound like you would benefit from talking to your GP, I didn't with my first and definitely should have as I was also in a bad place mentally.

Ask your husband to take the baby for a couple of hours in the day so you can have a rest, and also talk to him about how you feel if you can. Sometimes just sharing your thoughts can help.

You are in the trenches atm but it does get so much better as they get older.

Express, let lovely DH take a couple of night feeds, go to quietest place and sleep.
It may seem a task to express, but it might be the solution.

Hi OP,

Please don’t be embarrassed, you need to reach out to people for help- your mum, MIL, siblings, friends, cousins or pay for some help.

Get your DH to take at least a week’s AL so you can get some immediate rest.

These first few weeks are so hard. You are not failing. Congratulations on breastfeeding.

Unfortunately it really is just this hard, but it gets better; they sleep for longer; they learn to feed more efficiently; you just need time.

Right now it’s just about survival, so throw whatever you can at this to get through the next few weeks safely.

Reach out to any new mum friends or somewhere like the NCT. Even just talking to someone can ease the pressure. It is really tough but you will get through it. Try and sleep when you can through out the day. If anyone can take the baby for a walk whilst you sleep, that might help.

You should not be embarrassed AT ALL. The newborn stage is so bloody hard. Sleep deprivation is literally torture. Combined with the hormones and such a life changing event, it is absolutely brutal.

I was absolutely vile to my husband. I remember just being so full of rage and honestly hate at times, when he did absolutely nothing to deserve it. But I remember looking at him once in the middle of the night and thinking ‘your life hasn’t changed like mine has’ and honestly feeling so resentful. His life has changed dramatically, but breastfeeding is such a commitment for the mum, it’s just not the same.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it will pass. You’ll gradually find some things get easier and your confidence will grow. I found things improved a lot for me mental health wise at the 5 month point, but each week from about 3 months it got a bit better.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this but I do think it's quite common, I was definitely a different person at 4am with a newborn where everything seemed more manageable in the morning. I think you need to be honest with your partner and prioritise your sleep above most things. If you're bf, then maybe for a day or two you're only passed the baby to feed and then you pass them back and sleep. It is hard to relax, it takes practice to trust your oh and not be on standby all the time. My husband used to always take the baby from 4-7am and I could get through knowing I had that break coming. But, if a bit of sleep (in the day or night) doesn't help then please seek some help from GP or HV, everyone needs some help at some point

All have given great advice. To me expressing was an ordeal as it felt like work. I'm glad BF is going well. You say formula would be a chore but what saved me was just converting ONE feed sesh to formula, the bedtime one. That way I slept 8pm to midnight, husband did that bit, and it made a WORLD of difference. Just another idea to try. Rest of time I still BF, supply was fine. You can get ready to feed formula too to eliminate stress of prep (not cost effective when fully FF but fine for just a bottle a day!). Totally up to you, just an idea. Also. The self harming. How bad is it? All else sounds normal, bar that bit so wanted to pick up on it, especially in context of thoughts of your little family being best off without you. Suggest speaking to midwife re that, or GP at the 6 week check; there is always a risk of slipping into post natal depression and this needs a very close eye kept on. Newborn stage is very tough. Sending you much love.

Good advice already on this thread but this leapt out at me: "DH is so good with the baby, I keep thinking they're better off without me. "

This is a classic sign of PND. Please speak to your GP tomorrow and say you're having these thoughts. The nhs may be strained but they're very good on this.

Absolutely agree. Scratch my comment re 6 week check. Speak to someone sooner as per this.

Oh think many of us have been here. I actually handed over baby when other half walked through the door we bought a prep machine even though breastfeeding and he handled baby until 12pm when he went to sleep. I went straight to bed at 6pm and woke up 12pm or whenever baby started crying. Baby was fine being combi feed until we got to grips with it all, expressing etc, then carried on breastfeeding. The baby used to cry a lot at this time aswell as she had colic, so he would just hold her and try and watch tv. Hope you manage to find a way to get a break.

I'm concerned that you're self-harming and worried about shaking the baby. Sleep deprivation is horrific. I wouldn't beat yourself up about using formula if it means you can get a break, or even expressing and having your husband feed the baby so you can get some sleep. Can you try and access some support from the GP or health visitor?

Also about chores around the house, I ended up having c section so had a cleaner come and sort the house for a few months, if you can afford one during that time period it helps take the pressure off. Sorry family aren't being supportive but sounds like you and your partner are doing a great job, just keep communicating how your feeling and if he can take the pressure off you a little bit more let him.

I did exactly the same from about 4wks ish, prompted by having to give DS expressed milk/formula for one day as antibiotics I had been given were listed as not to be taken with one of his vaccines.

From then we have one bottle of ready made formula in the evening, I went to bed at 7pm and slept, DH would bring baby up at 11/12ish. I think this point was when he truly understood how rough it was with evening cluster feeding and being trapped under baby.

I would have loved to exclusively breastfeed but the lack of sleep was so tough & DS was not a great sleeper during the day unless being held or in sling so “sleep when baby sleeps” didn’t really work for me! I’ve breastfed for 6+ months now with the odd bottle, starting to add in a couple of bottles now DS is weaning. He’s always taken a bottle no bother.

Obviously not everyone will agree with combi feeding but it saved my sanity & meant my BF journey didn’t end due to me making myself ill with exhaustion and anxiety.

And don’t beat yourself up. Talk to your DH, tell him how you feel, give him a big cuddle. I was not very pleasant when DS was a newborn. I used to sit in bed feeding looking at him sleeping and feel pure rage. It gets easier week by week & you get a few hours back to switch off a bit.

The newborn stage is really tough but it’s really concerning that you’re self harming and considering harming the baby. Sleep is a basic human need. You need a decent night’s sleep ASAP and to be getting a decent chunk every single night. Let DH give formula so you can do shifts. Breastfeeding exclusively and the resulting sleep deprivation is not worth the risk to you and the baby. You could still combi feed during the day if you want to. And call your GP and/or health visitor first thing tomorrow and ask for help because it sounds like PND. It does get better, promise.

What could the GP genuinely do though? It's not PND, the occasional times I have a good sleep, l am a different person. Even if it is PND, I don't exactly have time for therapy, I'm in a crisis here.

I don't need to be told to not do chores around the house or to do "self care". I do very little housework, we have a cleaner every 2 weeks, DH does take the baby to another room so I can sleep sometimes which helps but baby does not sleep more than 2.5 -3 hours at a time and not reliably, usually he only sleeps 1.5 hours max. He can't take time off work, he had 3 weeks paternity leave and he's only just gone back to work!

Re bottle feeding, everything I've read says to wait. Baby could prefer the bottle or not take it at all, both scenarios just sound distressing. It doesn't seem worth the trouble. I'd rather give up entirely of that's the case but that would defeat the point of the absolute sheer and utter hell it was to establish breastfeeding in the first place. I regret wanting to breastfeed, it completely ruined my bonding with the baby, and I would advise any friend not to even try. But now we're in a good flow, why waste all that hard work?? It would feel like an enormous failure. What a waste of effort. I can't accept destroying my first 2 weeks with the baby to just give up when my nipples are finally less raw and baby is latching and feeding properly.

I need a coping mechanism to 1) not hate DH in the middle of the night and 2) relax about the sleep situation. How do you sleep when the baby sleeps? How do you put your head down and just sleep?

I've taken sleeping pills before, they make you drowsy for ages, it doesn't work with the 2-3 hours windows of sleep that baby gives me.

Hi OP,

I didn’t want to leaving you hanging given that you’re going into the night shift. I’m 35 weeks pregnant with no.3 so not sleeping so great either atm.

Even if baby only sleeps for 1.5 hrs they should be able to be awake and content without being fed. Perhaps get DH to take the baby out for a walk in the pushchair once they wake up to give you some extended sleep time.

I understand your feelings around the breastfeeding; I remember feeling the same when it wasn’t going well in the early days for me too.

I think it’s important to remember that happy mum = happy baby. Breastfeeding is not more important than your mental health and well being. Combifeeding (or formula) is not failure.

Interestingly, when I let go of my need to exclusively breastfeed, all the stress and pressure disappeared. I combifed for a few weeks while things were rough (I was on antibiotics for mastitis) then dropped out the formula and exclusively breastfed til 10 months.

Just because you use some formula to allow yourself longer stretches of sleep now, doesn’t mean that your breastfeeding journey is over. In fact it could mean the very opposite, that by giving yourself some respite, you are able to continue breastfeeding for much longer than if you keep trying to pour from an empty cup. Some breast milk is better than no breastmilk.

Sleeping pills are not the answer. I used to get DH to watch me sleeping in the evenings with baby latched on. He would watch to make sure we were safe and nothing happened to baby, and it meant baby could sleep and feed as they pleased while I got some rest. Might be worth a try?

Really feel for you, it's so hard. Agree combifeeding does not equal failure, I had read the same things about trying to wait (and honestly one day I'm going to see if there is an ACTUAL evidence based for those recommendations) but in the end it saved my mental health (agree that happy mum = happy baby) to combifeed and actually she took bottle fine and continued to BF. I think it makes a real difference who gives it. Anecdotally babies tend to take bottles better from someone who is not you. Also, supply should be fine long as baby is still put to breast regularly the rest of the time. Your body is very adaptable. However, these are reassurances and only you can decide what to do. The reason posters are mentioning PND is whilst MUCH of what you say is definitely barn door trenches, lack of sleep stuff (and I totally hear you a full night's sleep makes a difference), the self harm and thoughts they'd be better of without you are not. Also cumulative lack of sleep is a thing in terms of affecting your mental health. As to what the GP will do, there are options outside of therapy and medication. You mention the word crisis; it could be that they refer to a relevant service to do regular check ins with you whilst things are tough, something as simple as that. They can likely signpost you to whatever is available locally as well. Ultimately, it is worth making the GP aware even if only you do need to ring again in future, you are taken seriously quickly.

To cope in middle of the night. One idea is you sleep in a spare room for chunk of night with earplugs, and husband only brings you the baby when needing fed and takes baby away rest of the time for the soothing and rocking and burping etc. I have done this when desperate as also struggled to sleep when baby slept and being removed from her in between feeds helped. It's a way to help mum recover in some cultures too, others keep the baby and only bring to mum for nursing, in early weeks. Would that be a possibility? Even downstairs on sofa maybe?

Apologies, seen that your husband already does that. If he doesn't yet do it overnight and only in the day, then that's one idea. And yes as someone wisely said, stretch the gap by including awake / content time in addition to sleep time.

Combi feeding is not failed breastfeeding, I did one formula feed for about a month in the evening whilst small and then breastfed until 12 months. I needed the break. If you can't sleep, try a long warm bath just to rest your body. I sometimes did that during the morning nap when you have a nap schedule established. I would also start looking into sleep training if baby is gaining weight and content. I need sleep to function so worked for us.

It is brutal.

Best advice I had - don't try to work out how much sleep you had or not. How many wake ups or not. How many feeds or not. Let it all go. Stop counting. Appreciate rest as much as sleep. Spend money if you have it on mother's help or a night nanny to help.

I expressed / gave one bottle a day from about a month or so old, fed my child successfully until he was about 18 months old. We had one moment where he struggled with nipple but dealt with it. It brought me a lot of freedom.

DC2 never accepted a bottle at all and trust me, that was worse!

Oh and stop "trying" to get baby to sleep. Sleepily feed them pass to DH. Have a set 4 hours of the night where you only feed in bed and do nothing else.

Ah I get you. As to not hating your DP, I think it's important you have some time in your head when you can hand baby over, to help resentment. Maybe from straight after dinner to midnight, or whatever. It will probably change as feeding patterns change and you'll need to shift things. You don't need to give a bottle to do this (if you don't want to), but you do need to let yourself check out mentally and trust your dp to bring baby through when they're hungry. Obviously combi feeding and formula feeding are completely fine, but I've ebf 3 (2 terrible sleepers) and lived to tell the tale. I hated pumping so I never did It much. It will get better and in the short term, your body will adapt, weirdly. As to getting to sleep, sometimes a guided meditation can help? Medito is a free app. Listening to podcasts or saving up shows (and snacks ) to watch while you're feeding can make it feel easier. In fact, I used to have a night feed box beside the bed with stuff to take care of me as well as the baby.
However, as others have said, if you are still thinking of self harm, please please talk to your partner and your HV. You won't be judged, it's so common but you matter too. Baby needs you to be ok.

Thank you everyone, I've been reading the replies but had my hands full so only coming back now. Baby seemed to know I was on the edge so he decided to sleep for 5 hours straight right after I posted this (and I slept too, as DH had taken him to a different room). Lots to think about but other than trying a bottle, it sounds like we just need to get through it. DH already takes the baby to sleep to give me a break in the early evening and he does all nappy changes and some soothing until 2am every night. Going to the GP and trying to access therapy is work I just don't have the energy for, those are precious hours when I could be sleeping! And sleep is all I need really.