20 weeks pregnant and partner gone AWOL today

[bluestaryellowstar]

I've typed this up twice already and accidentally swiped off the app and lost the post so I'll try and do it again as quickly as possible and not dripfeed.

I'm 29 and partner is 30. I have 1 young DC from a previous relationship. Things haven't been easy from the get go, had a lot of trouble with DC's father causing problems and being abusive etc so the police had to get involved and that's now sorted and got a non mol in place so no contact. Me and current partner had only been together a couple of months when I found out I was pregnant, and I'm now just turned 20 weeks pregnant with twins which was obviously a shock and added stress and worry but we have known each other since being young so decided to make a go of things and work on it together. Partner has his own issues and had problems with smoking weed but curbed it when we got together and stopped completely once I told him I was pregnant, engaged with all the correct rehabilitation services and even stopped smoking cigarettes so not had any issues since. We've been having some relationship counselling type sessions with a support worker and I've found them so helpful because I obviously have my own trauma from my past relationship, as does he, but we've both improved our communication and done the work for these sessions and I felt a massive weight off and a big difference. He honestly got so much better and was like a different person, I can appreciate things haven't been easy for him either but I thought we were doing ok.

Had a bit of a daft argument this morning about sex - long story short he's much more sexually experienced than me and I don't have much confidence in the bedroom so this morning he wasn't as hard as usual which I know sounds ridiculous but I just asked if everything was alright as something felt off but he said he was just taking his time etc and it ended up a bit of a bickering match with us both saying some not very nice things about one anothers pasts etc. and he ended up leaving at about 11am.
We exchanged a few messages but he was getting nasty and argumentative, I phoned him and he spoke to me for a couple of minutes but wasn't very nice and ended up putting the phone down on me and hasn't answered since then.

I have his location (nothing sinister or any trust issues, have no concerns about cheating etc he shared it with me for peace of mind when he's working so I can see where he is on his way home etc when he's working a late shift or is working somewhere further afield) and he was at a house not too far from where his family live but I don't know who's house it is. He was there for a couple of hours when it stopped updating on that location and just stuck there so his phone obviously died as when I tried to phone it just kept going straight to voicemail. I can only assume he went to see one of his old mates or dealers and sat there getting stoned and probably slagging me off. But my mind is going overdrive now and I was imagining him with someone else or doing something awful.

I've relented and just spoke to his mum on the phone who said she can see him parked up near her house and he's been there a couple of hours (so about an hour or so after I'm assuming his phone died) but he's made no attempt to get in contact or even come home. I just feel like an absolute idiot and like I've been so naive and he clearly doesn't give a shit about me whatsoever if he can do this. I just don't think it's acceptable to disappear and be completely uncontactable for hours especially when I'm pregnant.

What do I do now? What if he doesn't come back? What if he does?! I don't really have anyone to talk to IRL, like I say I've spoken to his mum as my mum unfortunately passed away almost 2 years ago and I'm not very close with my dad and don't really have any other family I can go to or anyone to speak to about this. I feel like he's shown such a disregard for my feelings and it almost feels like he's just been waiting for an excuse to do one. Thank you if you've read this far as like I say I don't really have anyone to talk to about this so just needed to rant/get some advice.

He’s likely just needing to clear his head. You sound a bit smothering and panicked. Likely made worse because of your pregnancy. I’d just give him and you space to breath for a bit then chat when you are both calm

Unfortunately he was doing what I thought, getting stoned. Worst part is though he was with some woman who there's a bit of a history with so I'm not impressed and don't really believe that nothing has happened and I don't know where to go from here now. I just feel utterly betrayed, that we were making such progress in our relationship for him to go and do that. And to not answer the phone and disappear for hours whilst with another woman just makes me very uneasy whether something happened or not.

I'm not surprised you feel betrayed OP.
The question you asked him this morning when you were having sex was a perfectly reasonable question to ask and his reaction to it was ott.
To then disappear and smoke weed with another woman and not answer his phone really sounds at the very least as though he is not committed to your relationship.
It's really difficult for you OP but I think you should be rethinking your future with this man.

I'm going to be blunt and say he's not sounding like father material and certainly not like a good partner.

I wouldn't trust him. I'd be seriously considering this as the end of the relationship. He's shown you his true colours by getting stoned which would be way beyond my line of what's acceptable for a soon-to-be father. Add to that the other woman, I'd be furious and he'd be gone. However, he's not my partner and nor am I pregnant with twins. Only you can say what you'll put up with.

If you do end this relationship, please consider some therapy to explore why you choose men like this. It's not healthy for you or the children.

Awful situation. Are you prepared to be a single mother of 3?

Are social care already involved?

Truthfully, absolutely not.

If I'd known something like this was going to happen I'd have 100% got an abortion as soon as I found out. That might sound awful but the only reason I didn't is because we discussed it at length and agreed with getting support in place etc and engaging with these things. I feel I've been very very naive and truth be told I wish I'd never told him I was pregnant and just got an abortion and moved on with my life.

Social care are not involved no - I have a support worker who in my area is the first port of call before social services. This is all voluntary and engaging with the help is my choice as a result of what's happened with DC's father. It's already been agreed by multiple agencies that social services don't need to be involved.

This is my issue. I brought something up trying to communicate and make sure things were alright and this is how he has responded.

Whether he has done anything or not (which he swears he hasn't but don't they all) he still ignored my calls etc knowing I'd be at home worried and I'm pregnant. It could've been an emergency and I couldn't get hold of him. I just feel like you say he isn't committed at all

I agree he isn't. Before this he did seem like he was going to be. Like I say he made massive progress, stopped all smoking etc and was more than happy to engage with everything that was going on and really put the work in and show this was what he wanted.

Now I'm not so sure. I'm kicking myself for being so trusting and believing him when it was clearly all false. I just don't see the point, why would he do this?

I'm currently on the waiting list for therapy - I've been referred through the antenatal mental health services so hopefully the wait won't be too long

You were trying to have open communication, but he chose to lash out, go AWOL, and do drugs with an Ex.

@bluestaryellowstar, he has proven to be unreliable and abusive. His boundaries are weak and his coping skills dysfunctional. If you move forward with him, this scenario will be repeated time and time again. I wouldn’t expose myself and my children to such toxic chaos, so it would be game over.

I’m sorry that he has so badly let you down, but it’s best to learn the truth now so you can plan accordingly.

Totally agree with @MsDogLady

He’s shown you what he is going to do whenever you have cross words. Once you add the tiredness and frustrations of having three young children, cross words are likely to be more frequent. So he’ll be going AWOL a lot more. Even if it was to clear his head, the result is leaving you to cope with your children on your own, but he’s not clearing his head. He’s messing it up and spending £££ in drugs.

He’s put you in a really awful position and as hard as it will be you will probably be better off without him. The only thing I can think of that might help is if you can get to know some other mums with children of similar ages for some support and friendship.