How often do you kiss your DP?

[raydavis]

Im not long out of a 2 year relationship. One reason (amongst others) was that he had little interest in sex. He says down to his (undiagnosed/untreated) depression. I tried to be as understanding and supportive as possible but he had no interest in helping himself (there also a few other issues in the relationship).

The lack of sex was impacting my self esteem and I was starting to feel really unattractive (perhaps my own insecurities too but it wasn't easy).

Anyway, last night I was at a friends and watching tv. There was a couple on an ad where they had a very brief snog - nothing overly raunchy, just a nice kiss. Def more than a peck on the lips but not a full on passionate "I want to rip your clothes off" kind of kiss.

It was like a massive penny dropping moment for me that as well as sex it was that type of kissing that I have been missing. My ex-DP was super affectionate in terms of hugging, hand holding, pecks on the lips/forehead which was lovely but I never got the impression he actually wanted to have a proper kiss. I assumed he'd thought it would lead to sex but several times I said to him that even if he wasn't in the mood for sex it would nice to have a bit more snogging in the relationship to make me feel wanted in a sexual way.

I was chatting to my friend about this and she said things like that only happen on tv/films and it's not real life. She thinks in real life it only happens as a pre-cursor to sex or in the very early stages of dating? She also said it's something that teens/people in their 20s tend to do (we're early 40s to add context)

So it got me wondering - in your relationships do you have passionate kisses outside of sex? Would you kiss for say 5-10 seconds to say helllo/bye/just because? Or am I living in a romcom??

I should have mentioned that I have had this in past relationships but may main experience was with my exH. We snogged all the time "just because" - but we were much younger then and even after 10 years of marriage it was like we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Maybe not the best example as he ended up having an affair which ended the marriage

Yes we do, DP and I in our late 50’s and been together for 10 years. I fancy him and he fancies me, we snog without sex. It’s all about intimacy.

Definitely those more than a peck but not a snog a couple of times a day.
been together 30 years.

Married 15 years...we only snog before sex and we now only have sex once a blue moon (twice in 3 years), very sad indeed but DW said she is just not interested.

This statement resonates with me so much...again it could be my insecurities too but its just the feeling of not being wanted.

"The lack of sex was impacting my self esteem and I was starting to feel really unattractive (perhaps my own insecurities too but it wasn't easy)."

We kiss quite a lot. Together 15 years, we're both pretty affectionate and kiss/cuddle in passing whenever we're around each other. It's nice, especially if our work patterns are out of sync or we're both tired, it keeps us connected.

That's what I really miss - just the day to day intimacy, and while I could try and understand my exDPs low sex drive, it's like he didn't even want to kiss much in a sexual way (although would do it in an affectionate way). And I think that's why it was feeling so personal.

After my friend saying last night that life is only like that in romcoms I started to think I was losing all perspective of a "normal" relationship.

He was very affectionate in terms of a cuddle or a quick peck if we were passing each other, or if we were lying watching tv together etc.

It was more the type of kiss that made you feel fancied/wanted that was missing.

We were only 2 years in and there wasn't much 'more than a peck' kisses after the first couple of dates (unless we were having sex which wasn't often).

We kiss a lot. I don't think we snog with tongues every day outside of sex, more lingering kisses on the lips. Sometimes we will go up to the other if the kids are in another room, have a passionate kiss and feel each other up. I think it's things like that that keep our passion going between each other when we're distracted with mundane things.

Exactly - i miss the touches during the day, the cuddling on the sofa etc. Its not just about raw sex or kissing its all the little tactile parts too.

A couple of times a day. We've been together 17 years, married for 8 of them. It's all about the intimacy. We often hold hands, cuddle up, have a kiss or a snog without having sex.

I think the relationship with my ex has given me a much deeper insight into how it feels for men (and women) who would like to have more sex with their partner but are constantly rejected.

I think men are often painted as huffy or moody of their DP doesn't want sex and it's often interpreted as them being annoyed at not physically having sex as much as they'd like.

I think it's so much more complicated than that as it's the way the constant rejection feels and the way it erodes your self esteem over time and creates distance in the relationship.

I used to bring it up with my ex and try to explain this but just felt like a sex pest. I tried to explain it wasn't the actual act or the orgasm (I can on that myself). It's the feeling unwanted in that way that gets to you and you start to question if it's something you're doing to put them off.

I think there's such a stereotype view that it's men "pestering" their wives for sex that i struggled even more that my male DP had no interest. It felt embarrassing as a woman to feel unwanted in that way.

Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent as it was the kissing I was wondering about. It was only when I saw the kiss on tv last night and the way it looked so natural that it suddenly hit me that me and exDP never even done that

Also, we didn't live together and I have dc. So we could often for 3-4 days without seeing each other.
I'd have thought that after that when he came in from work it would've been normal to have a nice extended kiss to say hello. I did try but it was usually turned into a peck on the lips and a hug.

Don't get me wrong a peck and a hug are lovely and made me feel cared for. I don't think it ever made me feel 'wanted' tho.

I guess if he had little to zero sex drive I probably wasn't 'wanted' in that way even for a kiss?

Quite a lot, I would be upset if we only kissed beyond a peck when we were having sex.

I think I'm only just realising how many things I had overlooked and for how long.

He was very touchy feely in terms of cuddles, grabbing my bum (in a nice way), rubbing my back, holding hands. But it was like there was some weird aversion to kissing - probably linked to his low sex drive.

He's diagnosed adhd (won't get support/treatment) and suspected autism. I wonder if the kissing was a sensory thing given how tactile he was?!

Guess I'll never know but it wasn't working anyway