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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartstrings pulled by an ex's grief. What would you do?

5 replies

Ginsomnia · 22/09/2024 15:00

Six months ago, I was broken up with in a very unpleasant way by a highly manipulative, emotionally unfaithful ex. Our two years together would gradually erode my trust to nothing and end abruptly during a phone call. I'd passed comment about picking up on mentionitis vibes the previous weekend which got a massively out of proportion response, culminating in being told "you're a cunt, bye". Ugly words that cut deep. I refused to give a reaction other than silence from that moment. For the next six months I'm getting on with my life..

A week ago I received a text:

"I know you loved (dog's name) so felt you should know he was put to sleep this evening, can't even describe how I feel".

This is true, I'd loved the old boy as my own. I was also aware he'd been slowing down for some time. But I just cannot seem to process his loss properly. I never got to hold him again, say goodbye or anything, just heard he's dead. Can anyone relate how that feels? My feelings veer between anger at his owner and guilt for not responding to their message.

Thanks guys

OP posts:
Ariela · 22/09/2024 16:10

I would still grey rock the ex. But consider how to remember the much loved dog. Whether that's light a candle, buy a bench for a spot on your favourite walk, donate to a dog charity or whatever, I would think of something to remember him (the dog) by.

Terrribletwos · 22/09/2024 16:13

Agree with Ariela, this would be a nice thing to do.

He is obviously still trying to manipulate and control you so just ignore him.

littleburn · 22/09/2024 16:27

I agree with @Ariela too. Don't get back in touch with your ex whatever you do. Given his past behaviour he's most likely using these sad circumstances to manipulate you into getting in touch. Deal with your own grief; his is his own to manage.

Whatbloodysummer · 22/09/2024 16:48

OP there's only 2 reasons why he would contact you with this terrible news, and neither of them are good.

  1. He wants you to feel the same way he does i.e hurt and upset. There is no good reason for this other than he wants to make you feel bad and wants to hurt you in any way he can think of. It's just an excuse to make you upset
  2. He is using the news as an 'ice-breaker' to enable him to try to enter your life again, hoping that you will be 'weaker' and more easily manipulated due to your upset/grief and therefore he won't need to answer any awkward questions about how he ended things before. Again, not good.

I agree 100% with PP's who've said you should find a way for you to remember the dog, but definitely do not contact the Ex!

Ginsomnia · 22/09/2024 17:44

Thank you so much to everyone, wise advice all round which I'll be taking on. This last week had threatened my peace of mind, the feeling just crept up on me after recieving the text. I'll just try to appreciate his memory from where I am.

And no, I won't be reaching out.
Thank you again

OP posts:
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