Husband not listening and then feels unappreciated

[ArtfulBear]

I wonder if anyone has any ideas for different ways I can broach this?

DH is terrible at communication. Is almost definitely depressed, claims to be bipolar but will not access treatment. Couples counselling is also not an option he's prepared to consider. His solution is to say he'll just pretend to be fine but, obviously, this doesn't work.

He's moody, sulky and gets angry often, particularly in the morning. He stays up until the early hours most days despite complaining about being tired.

I just cannot rely on him and I'm so tired. I will communicate something I need - for example this week, him to get up at 6:30 rather than 6:45 so I have time to shower while he watches DS - and he'll agree, not follow through them be angry at me as I'm ungrateful when he's doing his best. He'll also often spite himself then expect me to be grateful, even if I gave specifically told him I do not want him to do it. For example, this afternoon he was meeting a friend and I wanted to know when so I could plan around it. He's cancelled the whole thing because I said I was tired and is now annoyed I'm not grateful.

I'm so bloody bored and tired and resentful and sick of it. Is there anything I can try to fix this or do I have to accept I'm either putting up on or leaving?

Is there anything I can try to fix this

With respect OP, why is it on you to fix? He is depressed, he believes he has bipolar, he is moody and sulky and incapable of establishing a sleep pattern… only he can fix that, and he’s made it clear he’s not going to.

Leave now before he drags you down with him.

@loropianalover Fantastic advice - spot on!

I suppose, honestly, the main reason is that I can't go right now. I've looked into and need six months or so to get the money together to move. I don't think I can pretend everything is fine and normal while planning behind his back for all that time so I figure I need to try and do something to fix it but I don't know what else I possibly can.

I also would really like a happy little family. That can just be me and DS, but ultimately I've sunk 25 years into this relationship. And it's not awful all the time.

Have a conversation with him and be prepared for it to be two way. Listen to what he says, be honest about how his behaviour is affecting you. Try to come up with compromises and solutions.

If he refuses to compromise or find solutions then inform him you want to live separate lives. Don't do anything else for him and start preparing for divorce.

Sunk costs fallacy. Please don't waste anymore time on this relationship as you cannot fix it. A relationship can only be improved if both agree that there are issues and commit to change. This is the hardest things I learnt about relationships.

You can want a happy little family, but remaining in this relationship won't be where you will get it.

What is your DS learning about relationships and how to be a man within a relationship from the dynamics between you and your DH?

Do the best for yourself and your son. Find the way to exit this relationship so that you minimise the impact on you and your son.

I think you're probably all right. I genuinely don't think I can leave right now, i need time to get things in place, and I don't know how I can pretend everything is okay while I do that. We've done the last chance saloon chat so many times.

I really don't know how I can summon the strength for this.

I fear that this is a lost cause. If you’ve already decided 6 months is what need to save enough to leave, I suggest you crack on. What’s the house situation? Do you own/rent?

Also, why pretend? Protect your finances, tell him your plan, no idea why you can’t, unless he’d make life unbearable?

I think he would make life unbearable. His capacity to sulk and create awful atmospheres is really quite impressive.

I would need to find somewhere to rent, so would probably line that up so that I could go as soon as I told him. The house is supposed to be ours but it's all in his name so I'd have to write it off a loss I think.

Bizarre but have you tried writing things down? Write what you need on a post it note and hand it to him as an experiment. If he has any sort of verbal processing issue that might help.

He is not interested in doing any of the work to make things better. He is manipulative and controlling - making you feel bad about things so that, I'm assuming, you ask/expect less and less from him. I bet you also pick up a huge amount of slack at home from childcare to chores to mental load.

This is one of those classic situatiosn where man agrees to do something. Man does not do something. Woman eventually asks again for whatever it is. Man accuses woman of nagging, instantly shutting her up becuase no one wants to be a nag.

The early morning one is a pretty classic example. So, he said he'd get up. He didn't get up. But YOU are the baddie because he didn't get up? hahaha.

The sooner you leave, the better. If you have young children, be prepared however for him to go through a wide variety of tactics to control and upset you from threatening to take them away, to threatening to never see them again. Eventually, the latter is what will happen so be warned because he will convince himself, any new partner and anyone else who will listen that it is your fault.

PS this has nothing to do with him being a bad communicator. And everythign to do with him being a man who doesn't want to have to do anything.

You have problem, and your H will not take any steps to fix it. “it's not awful all the time” makes me feel genuinely sad for you - it’s such a low bar. If you weren’t getting on and he was a great dad, I could understand you hanging on, but he isn’t. You know what you have to do.

If you’re married? then no, you wouldn’t have to write it off and possibly even if you’re not married. See a solicitor

Think of it this way. It is already unbearable. It will be unbearable if you decide to stay. So do you think you could manage just another 6 months of unbearable, at least in the knowledge that the feeling is now finite and once you have all your ducks in a row, you won’t have to put up with it any longer? As hard as it is in the meantime, try to switch off, distance yourself from his moods, focus on dc and planning for the future. You don’t really have to pretend things are okay as it sounds like they’re not. He can’t be completely oblivious to how unhappy you are.

Agree with PP re seeing a solicitor!