What to do?

[Searchingforsomething2]

Hi name changed for this!
sorry it’s quite a long one!

so I have a partner and we have a child together. Things haven’t always been great between us but over time it has become better. So I thought. He hates mess and likes the house to be pristine at all times (he does no house work whatsoever) this is mainly how he grew up where the mums and sisters would always be cleaning and cooking and even when I visit them they rarely even sit down together as a family because the women need to serve the others.

I hate cleaning, I hate the fact that it’s all on me. I don’t mind doing the odd bits here and there but my child is young and I work part time too (30 hours a week) Anyway, a few months ago he said to me that he is leaving because he can’t stay like this and packed all of his stuff and went to find a room in shared accommodation. He found a place and said :” I’ll give you one last chance if you say to me you can keep the house nice I’ll stay” and gave me 5 minutes to decide.

I obviously wanted him to stay so said yes. It worked for a month but I was staying up late, getting stressed if I had to go out as I needed to clean and cook first. I had some annual leave and I didn’t do much just some light things and he hasn’t talked to me for almost 2 weeks. He’s just giving me the silent treatment. This is causing me so much stress, I don’t want to eat I can’t sleep, I keep waking up in the night, I’m having nightmares. On one of the days he lost the plot and started ignoring our child but then he snapped out of it and keeps saying horrible things to them about me. Like my child will say that’s your toast and this is mine, none for mummy (I wasn’t hungry) and he says back : “mummy doesn’t deserve toast” and he does realise his behaviour towards them was not good so he did say sorry (not to me).

I must say since he hasn’t been talking to me he has been getting himself food from the shop and cooking for himself only, then leaving the mess for me to clean. He does his own laundry and has been sleeping on the sofa.

Is it my fault ? I know I’m not the tidy person he wants me to be but I’m trying , I really am. I just don’t want to start the cleaning, and when I do clean it takes me a long time to do it. I sometimes cut corners like just sweep, don’t mop, don’t always hoover. There are dishes in the kitchen from yesterday but we did have guests and I had to drop them home, then when I got home my child was asleep so put her to bed then I was tired.

I grew up in a house that was always a mess and I have only learnt to do all of these things when I lived by myself from 18 (I met him at 19 I’m now mid 20’s) I just feel so down and ashamed that this could be the end of my relationship and break up of the family for what seems like to me, such a minor thing!

I’d appreciate some advice on what you think is the best thing to do. I don’t want him to leave and I’ve been looking at getting a cleaner but it’s going to put a major dent into my monthly budget as I pay all the bills and for food.

OP your child would be better in a single parent family with you, than living with an abusive cunt of a father.

You need to get out of the mindset that you're doing something wrong. You're not.

You're in a very abusive relationship. You're paying for the doubtful privilege too.

Let him leave.

I can see this is how it is, but I think I need more time to come round to the idea in my head this is all very new to me we’ve been together around 7 years so I’m only now seeing some things that don’t quite sit right with me. I absolutely don’t want this for anyone especially not my child. Thank you for your response

You can have a broken home with two unhappy parents, and you can have a wholesome home with one (or two) happy parents.
What's going on now sounds pretty broken I'm afraid.
He can either shape up, pay for a cleaner, or leave.
I hope he enjoys his shared flat. I hope the other blokes leave it filthy.

Whoops

Bathing and changing a nappy is not rocket science. If he didn't have you running around doing all the grunt work for him, he would have to learn and do it. (Or probably rope in his mum or sisters)

But he's a mentally competent adult, yes? There's no reason at all he can't do those things for his child and wouldn't do them if he didn't have you as serf.

What do you think he'd do if you died?

There's no saying he would even want your child for weekends if you split up. He would probably threaten to go for 50/50 or lots of time to shut you up and make you stick around, but in reality, it probably wouldn't suit him at all.

When you became his partner, it appears that he thinks you also became his housekeeper / servant / scullery maid.

It is long past the time for you to tell him otherwise. Resign if necessary.

when everything is good it’s really good

Is that when he has everything as he wants it?

In what ways are this relationship good for YOU?
What's he like when you're ill and unable to do anything for your child or home?

What's he like when your feeling blue?

What's he like when your child is fractious and crying non-stop?

Why isn't he paying his way and supporting his child?

But your relationship is completely uneven.
You pay for everything, you do all the childcare and housework and this man does nothing at all, other than complaining that your housework standards aren't the same as his mother's.

So the reason I don’t want to leave is I still want to be with him because when everything is good it’s really good.

Lovely lady, if you think that's "a good relationship" because it's only, what, 25% (?) utterly shit, then you seriously need to rethink what a good relationship is.

Would you eat a cake that was only 25% poop?