Lonely for friendship

[Mumonteaanddreamd]

I moved to the UK approx 18 years ago and have really struggled to find friends. I am 41 now.

I have people I am friendly with at work and met some mums when I had my son but I'm really missing that friendship where we can go have a coffee, a movie, someone I can chat to if I'm upset.

I have my husband, who I love dearly, but he is not a very social person so I wasn't able to meet anyone through him. Any social thing I have now is playdates with my son. I understand people are busy and have families, but I always envisioned life to be different, a life with great friends where our families would mix, etc. A village so to speak.

I'm really lonely for female friendship and I can feel really claustrophobic at home because I have no other outlet.

I often wonder if I made a mistake leaving my own country so long ago. My friendships back home have also dwindled, despite me trying to keep them going (sending their children birthday cards every year, text messages, trying to arrange catch ups when I do go home).

Sorry for the long post.

Yes, I know - it's a very common problem, I think, there are regularly threads like this. I wish I'd figured out the answer!

Well, what have you done to find friends? You mention workmates and some people you met through having a child, but if neither of these have translated into friendships, you need to actually put yourself out there into situations where you are likely to meet people you like — social hobbies, sport, volunteering etc? What do you enjoy? Invite the workmates you like over for brunch at the weekend?

Go on to Facebook if you have it and join friendship making groups based where you are. Or join a fitness class or hobby group.

Sometimes, you have to be the connector with these things. E.g. join a fitness class and set up a WhatsApp group. Invite someone to coffee outside of the group.

That's an awful kind of heartache OP, I think of it as not dissimilar to not finding a partner. We need people. I moved around an awful lot when I was young, so by the time I settled down I didn't have any old friends, and I feel the loss of that. Don't give up trying.

I agree with this. I think it's a bit of a thing that comes in phases. First you need to find the groups, as above that might be hobbies or look for a local Facebook group that's set up for meeting others (there's one that I'm part of, might be luck you have one near you) and work on the premise that it'll be nice to make acquaintances. From there you can develop friendships that might have legs. It's an organic thing, but you kind of have to get it started on the first place, and be bold if there's someone you connect with, ask of you can take their number and arrange to hang out. It's a bit like dating in some respects.

Would you and your husband consider moving to your home country? It's all very well him being a loner, but it's not great for you to be far from friends and family in that case and would seem more comfortable for him as someone who's not particularly sociable to be in a new country than you, who wants those social connections.

If that's not an option, I think you need to make concerted efforts to get time to spend on building friendships through hobbies or groups.

How much free time do you have @Mumonteaanddreamd ? I don’t live in my home country and understand your predicament completely. You need to find an activity that’s done mainly by women (yoga or a women’s sports team are good) And go. Same time every week. If you have a free day, maybe take up something like golf or hiking. That’s very social and you will meet other women who you’d go for a coffee with. Art classes? Sewing group? Would you have any interest in any of those? It’s all a bit of effort but well worth it to find your people. They’re out there somewhere. Just got to look for them.