Scared of divorce, will I be left with nothing?

[Helenhelly]

DH has already scapegoated me as an evil bitch and a miserable mother. During disagreements, I’m painted as hotheaded and reactionary, apparently I can’t do anything right with my teens. They tell me I’m the worst mom when I try to have house rules, if I’m loving to them, they are still cruel. I know this is normal teen behaviour but it hurts. They’ve probably learned this behaviour from watching DH and me always being needy. He blows hot and cold, sometimes he’s nice, other times I feel like poo on his shoe. I have a difficult relationship with my cold and remote parents, no support there and I have very few friends I can rely on.

Every time I try to work out financially how I’d be divorcing, I just cannot see how it will benefit me. I earn less than £22k, what DH earns is minimal too as he is not in a high earner category. If we sell the house both of us will be worse off. Me particularly. Fear kicks in then as I know DC will say I’ve ruined their lives, I’m worried I’d scar them mentally too.

So in a way I’m feeling pretty low, my victimhood is kicking in. This is what everyone says about me. The rental market is out too. I’m stuck in an awful marriage with someone who just doesn’t love me but it feels terrifying to leave.

Every day and through therapy I’m trying to be good to myself. But it’s getting too much with DH and DC bad behaviour towards me and I’m feeling trapped. I’ve felt quite dizzy and spaced out lately due to worrying about my future and whatever decision I take will be a pretty bad one for me and my family.

This is not what you want to read on a Sunday morning!!!!!! I’m scared, low and feeling like I have no viable options. What’s the point existing like this? Feeling so unhappy and trapped!!!!

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're having this to deal with. Your husband sounds awful, and it's hard enough dealing with teenagers at times without him undermining you. It doesn't sound like staying is a good option.

Others will be along soon with much better advice than me to offer, but one thing that occurs is to check out what benefits you would be entitled to if you split - I believe there is a website called " entitled to" or similar. That will help you feel more in control of the situation, and you'll probably be pleasantly surprised.

You deserve respect and consideration. I think that, with support, better days lie ahead. Sending good wishes. x

My parents sound similar to you, and didn't divorce as the standard of living wouldn't have suited them. Difference was they were both having affairs. They have now been married nearly 60 years and still antagonise each other daily. They have disfunctioal relationships with me and my brother. I am divorced three times and so is he as they modelled to us to take no shit basically.

I suggest divorce is the answer in your situation

So on divorcing there is no chance of buying again, any idea what your house is worth and what sort of equity you would get ?

What age are your children, are they close to being adults or just started High school?

Everyone ends up financially worse off after divorce, I have two friends mid divorce and now another is divorcing. They are not in quite such difficult financial circumstances as yourself but everyone ends up with less as all assets divided. They had to divorce for the sake of their sanity really. That’s what you have to focus on. One of my friends has young adult children, one of them won’t speak to her currently. But that’s because they are the very model of their awful Father. The other has very supportive children but that’s because they are the very image of my lovely friend.

We all get one life and that’s it. Everyone treats you like crap in your household. Hopefully the children will mature and not end up being quite so like their Father.

I don’t know how close to breaking point you are, all my friends are stressed but one came close to a complete breakdown when married. She looked terrible and I honestly worried for her mind. She is doing far better now.

House prices vary from £300k to 800k @ViciousCurrentBun . I couldn’t afford this on my own and going into the rental market would mean both DC moving to a completely new area which is not good with GCSEs this year for my youngest.

I appreciate your replies and hearing others situations. It made me fearful even more, even though I have only one life, my DC hating me eats me up inside. I guess they too model DH behaviour, not mine. I’m always seen as unreasonable and miserable, when I’m trying my absolute best.

I seriously feel like giving up right now. Not actually but I think ykwim. I’m taking one step at a time and probably need to speak to a solicitor again.

Thnks for the website, I’ll try to find it @SeatonCarew

I’m getting silent treatment from him this morning. DC all in bed still. The loneliness is heartbreaking, sorry for the woe is me in my words.

Will you be able to afford to rent or will you have to go to council for housing?
With kids to house, you will get housed, somehow.
Everyone is worse off financially after divorce.

Thanks, I think when I take that next step, I feel like I’m going to experience some very bitter pills.

So sorry op, this is awful to read.

For starters please see your GP, nurse practitioner or get an econsult. It is understandable that you feel so low maybe try antidepressants or counselling to get you through.

You need an outlet something to get you away from the misery at home. Is there a gym nearby, some are very reasonable.

Do you have friends at work you could meet up out of work for a coffee?

Teens are often a pita so carry on with boundaries etc and then plan. This isn't forever, once gcses are finished look at selling up and renting. Yes maybe a less favourable area but you sound at breaking point so it is time to put your sanity first. Good luck .

You absolutely need to speak to a Solicitor again and from that form a plan to divorce your (and in turn your kids) abuser. Legal advice is of paramount importance here. As for the GCSEs they can be retaken if needed and you need to be apart from him long before exam day arrive. Your kids mental health are far more important than some exam papers. You may well be financially strapped post divorce but you will be free of him and his abuses of you all. He is not above the law and you need to work on fact, not mere supposition re the house and where you will eventually live. He will of course be just as abusive and unreasonable to you post divorce too because this is who he really is.

You do realise don't you that he is abusing your children as well by treating you as their mother like this. They are likely horrible to you as well because they fear their dad, they also copy him and they do not want to become his target either. Its not your fault nor theirs this man has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. Show them properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your own childhood at the hands of cold and remote parents really did prime you into accepting similar treatment in adulthood. I sincerely hope you do not have any sort of relationship with your parents these days because they failed you abjectly from childhood onwards.

I would also suggest you contact both the Rights of Women and Womens Aid when he is out of the house. Your safety is of paramount concern.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Break the cycle of abuse before your kids potentially go onto be abusers or abused in their own adult relationships.

@ViciousCurrentBun

Not everyone is worse off after divorce.

I wasn't.

What if you behaved like a husband in this situation? Can you leave and have your teens every other weekend? They could remain in their current schools and you'd have most days to yourself to meet people who treat you well. You'd have more control over your life.

@Janiie It feels incredibly hard and the huge guilt inside me as a mum is all consuming. I appreciate the 💐

I’m in therapy but medication makes me even more spaced out and low.

My childhood has scarred me @AttilaTheMeerkat I’m quite aware DH behaviour has made me fearful. The thing is they think the world of their father as they see me as the issue. When I take those steps, it’s likely I’ll be portrayed as the destructive one. I will not have a relationship with them due him, I’m sure of it as well as being worse off in every perspective. He is a bully but a manipulative one who everyone sees as Mr Nice.

I’ve never thought of that option but wouldn’t my DC and others think I’m selfish? That I’ve abandoned them?

They’ve been manipulated and forced by their abusive father into seeing you as the issue when it is infact him. They are not old enough nor have enough emotional understanding to realise they are also being manipulated. They also are nasty to you because their dad is, they are copying him and he is indeed abusing them as well as you. They fear him too and do not want to be the target of his barbs so they follow his lead.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Legal advice really does need to be sought by you asap.

Whatever you decide do not leave your kids with him. They need to go with you. Again
legsl advice needs to be sought. This man also targeted you deliberately because of your own shit childhood and has further exploited your own poor boundaries arising from that.

If they are as bad as you say and your dcs tell you they hate you and never have a nice thing to say or do with you .
Then leave . They can live with your husband . See them at weekends or when they are not busy . They are older teens if youngest is gcse year .
Plenty of dad's move out and see kids a few times a week.
Start a fresh ,rent somewhere near by but cheaper.

Get legal advice. Look at what benefits you may be entitled to. Your dc do not hate you, but I am sure they do not like the environment that they live in. Your unhappiness will not be making them happy. Be brave.

It sounds like a toxic environment for your DC to be in. Can you sit down with them away from the house and talk to them openly? don't berate their father, concentrate on you and them and a better more stable life. Kids don't like rules - if rules have never been part of growing up the change will be hard for them to make.

If you are on low wages you will get benefits and will probably be better off after you have left.