MIL too much !!

[Mummabee80]

My husband of nearly 10 years (relationship of 18 years) and I have two kids (teen and pre teen) both with additional needs in various forms.
We have a very difficult balancing act in life to contend with. As I said our children have additional needs and I also have chronic limiting health problems so I can only work permitted hours when my health allows me.
The above isn't the problem though.
The issue is his Mam.
She is on her own and has been since her and my OH Dad seperated when he was about 7....it's going on for 40 years now.
His Mam lived about 10 mile away from us when we first got together and it was pleasant and we'd see her about once a week. No kids in the mix at that point.
Then we had our kids and we moved to where we are now...then she followed so now literally lives around the corner. She worked and was pretty fit and healthy but since retiring her health seems to have declined and she heavily relies on my OH for everything.
I feel, no, I know that she can do more than she makes out and think she keeps him tied there for company. Her health issues seem to be exaggerated when I'm at my worst and it seems she doesn't like it when he's more tied up at home.
She even went as far as buying him a classic car as she has a garage so he would store it there and he's there working on it all the time. But, beside that, he goes to the shops for her, gives her lifts everywhere, takes her out when she wants and he is literally at her beck and call. Even silly things like she couldn't get her dog collar unfastened (it wasn't on her dog at the time) and she just expects him to be there.
She seems to be so dependant on him now and it's making me miserable. Our relationship is suffering as I don't see much of him anyhow as he works 14 hour days and 4 days a week. Then when he is off, he's doing things for her.

I have a long term chronic illness and feel he needs to be here more to help.
I've tried to speak about this before and he says I'm controlling what he does and when he goes. Am i in the wrong to think that it's reasonable for him to visit her just once a week? What is a normal amount of times for a full time working dad and husband? We also have a new house and we'll be moving in 4 weeks time (same distance from hers) But she still expects him to go and paint her fence, put shelves up etc
I just feel he prioritises her over our family and he worries she's on her own, but he has a sister too who could see her but she barely bothers and I think because she's around the corner it's just more of a convenience thing that she thinks he can nip in whenever she wants him to or he feels he has to do that as well.
She doesn't do much herself. Watches TV, has a dog which she also relies on him to take to the vets and go and buy the dog food. It's just too much for me but I need to word this right to him so he can see my point and not get his back up with me and think I'm controlling him.
Any advice and help would be much appreciated.

As always, you don’t have a MIL problem. You’ve got a H problem.

Ultimatum time. Tell him he can shout controlling all he likes, you have no desire to control him but you’re at the end of your tether. If this carries on, you’ll split. And he can spend his days in his mother’s pocket until she passes away and then he can be alone.

I agree he definitely has responsibility for his actions and this is definitely how it'll end of he's not going to change. I do feel like she plays the guilt card alot and is very manipulative with him as she's rang before not knowing I'm there and gone moody if he's said he's busy or said she's not feeling too good etc.
I think it's a bit of both of them. I just want to approach it correctly so I can try and dissolve the problem without it being an argument and I want him to see reason with what I'm saying.
Once a week is reasonable for him to see her I think? More than that is too much as we have other family as well. Would you agree anyone?

Yup

If she has continuing health issues, she needs to get help from professional carers - they can help run her errands. My elderly father currently needs a lot of care; my brother has small children so I take more on. I would not expect my brother to put our dad above his young family.
I planning to put some professional care into place to relieve my and my partner’s load and I suggest your husband does the same. Of course the elderly do not like it but it makes things more sustainable for everyone.

In addition, it sounds like she is wholly reliant on him emotionally but that is not your problem. She needs to join a social club and branch out a little more.

It does sound unreasonable of DH and MIL. How often does he visit? I think once a week isn’t enough and forcing a massive change is likely to backfire, go more gently on a reduction of visits, length of visits and chores. Might it be worth trying to show him how much of his non working she is monopolising?

She's 68, manages to go out to the pub once a month and get her nails done every 3 weeks and she has a mobile scooter. She sees her friend's on her night out and is quite capable of looking after herself then.... but I think it comes from boredom and having nothing in between.
We've tried to encourage her to visit or invite friends over more and join clubs, to no avail.
Her health needs are stable, she sees drs about her needs but again, she puts pressure on him to do things she's quite capable of herself.
He goes over every day he has off. Sometimes it's on off throughout the day, taking her here, dropping her off them collecting her and then he'll do her garden or take her shopping etc then other days it's maybe a couple of hrs. The point is he's there every available day he has off so 3 to 4 times a week depending on his rota. Whole I'm at home struggling with two kids, I'm on a transplant list and have limited energy and can't drive due to visual issues as well caused by kidney disease. I'm stuck, trapped and sad and alone. Maybe I could introduce the reduction in his visits once we move house ?

I wouldn't put that on anyone with a family, i don't put on others because all my family have their own families. She refuses to accept she's at an age where carers may me needed.
She's already expressed that she'd never be seen dead on a home.
I definitely think she relies on him emotionally. As I'm addition to him visiting her, she calls him about 4/5 times even when he's been there already For little irrelevant things she could share when he next sees her.
To add as well, she neglected him between the age of 7 and 11 through her own emotional elements after the divorce. He ended.up living with his nan and then his mate aged about 16.
She never spent a penny on.him, didn't feed him well etc got her self in an on off situation with an abusive man. Not a relationship, but he was just there. So maybe there's guilt.or attachment from both her and my husband
She buys him whatever he wants now, very materialistic.

Is he leaving the kids with you while he goes to his mums? If so start making him take them with him, she wants company she can spend time with her grandchildren.

He’s really not being very fair or kind to you at all. I wouldn’t try to put a number on it , I would discuss you are struggling and miss your husband and request he doesn’t go every daIf that doesn’t work go with @FoxtrotOscarKindaDay suggestion that he needs to take one or both kids with him each time to give you a break too

Of course, she expects him to put her shelves up. Who else is?

I dont think hes doing anything wrong except stretching himself too thinly

I am on your side here. Your DH s primary responsibility is to you and the DC.

His Mum has made herself a burden and that is not good. If she needs all this help, social services can go in and see what's needed.

Once a week is very reasonable to visit his Mum. My DH goes to his Mum every 3 weeks. She is 80, lives alone but manages well.

It's not even that I want him to be my carer for my health issues, but to just be more present.
I'm lonely and I'm th kinda person who enjoys family time.
Yes he does leave the kids with me....I'm ok with that, although they have needs they can entertain themselves and we make fun doing things together when I'm up to it. I just miss him.
I would never be mad that he does jobs for his mam, but when it interferes with our plans and we have a million things to do ourselves she needs to learn to wait instead of just clicking her fingers.
I thought if a suggestion of maybe planning to go to hers once a week after school on a Friday or every other Friday.
We could stay for tea, that way she gets to see the grandchildren too and all of us at once. If he wants to do the odd job while we're there then he can.
I want to start seeing my side of the family more too, so it opens up more time for that as well. I only get to see my parents once every 3 weeks or so.
I think that's a great idea for her to get assessed by social services. She needs to put things in place and possibly get a carer, as he is her son and not her carer.
@Maddy70 he really is over stretching. I do worry about his state of mind trying to juggle it all.
Thanks you ladies for all th advice so far 🫶🏼

Can your DH work on “re-educating” his Mum, and do say twice weekly visits initially.
He could chat to her and say - you know we are moving house very soon, it’s going to be difficult, DW is on the transplant list and is not always well, we have a lot on at the moment, my 14 hour shifts are getting more onerous, I’m feeling my age…..
She has a notepad by her phone - and writes jobs on there, so she still rings DH about the dog collar, he asks her to put it on the list and slowly reeducates her to write things on the list - rather than reaching for her phone. Repeating every time she calls him.
Eventually the list could become the norm.

(Same age as your DMIL, wouldn’t dream of putting anything like so much as this on a relative who has his own family).

So she's relatively able and fit to go to the pub at least.

Considering your health problems your husband is not being loving and supportive of you but is actually prioritising his mother. I would be very angry in your situation.

And she is being very selfish!

@VWT5 that's a very good idea actually.
I like the idea of it becoming the norm for her to write notes for when she does speak to him.
The house conversation is also a good idea ...it's a new starting point so a good opportunity for things to be "different" and "changes to happen.
Thanks for that advice.
And yes, she is fit enough to go out to the pub when she wants, which is why I feel she exaggerates how little she can do at home as she can wander into our local town and walk along the cobbles going from pub to pub and stay out for a good 5-6 hours.
I do think she is rather selfish and I'd even go as far as being self centered. Many more things I could tell you about what she does but it's just
similar situations to which I've already described.

I do think my DH is blinded by being treat to nice things from her and doesn't see what she's doing as of course it's his mother.
But, she can be very crafty saying one thing to him and then make out I've suggested things like that he takes her to x y or z and say it's my idea. .
I have told him when it hasn't been but by then it's too late and he's agreed to whatever she's asked.
She is also quite disrespectful when it comes to the kids. Not following the morals and rules I have in place. One thing being "Nana" in her own home as we know grandparents do that, BB it another when she's also doing it iny home too.

I agree but social services won’t do anything at all because she has a son & a daughter. They'll expect them to meet their mum's needs. Honestly, that's how adult social services operate

@Mummabee80 As I said in my comment to a PP above, social services won't be interested as soon as they find out your MIL has a son & a daughter. They'll expect them to meet her needs and will refuse to help. Very sad but true, they're overstretched and are having to restrict their criteria

She sounds like she has developed victim mentality because unfortunately as you are living it it works. I feel for your partner but he’s sadly caught in this empathy trap. Could you sit with him and explain and see if you can work out some external avenues of help for her. I’m not sure there is much else you can do. He is in a way being emotionally manipulated by her and it must feel hard for him and you. He needs to get a bit tougher skin.