Please share some words of advice for an exhausted new mum

[Dryshampoofordays]

Any tips to help a knackered and guilt ridden mum? I am 6 weeks postpartum and have a 3 year old, we are muddling through ok but I have a constant feeling of guilt for not being able to give them both individually what they need.

with my first we had such a lovely 4th trimester, skin to skin, baby sensory classes, napping together through the day. This time round my baby is usually in the sling or being held by her dad and I feel like I’m not bonding in the same way with her. My 3 year old is so loving with the baby but I miss being able to give her the 1 on 1 time I used to. I’m so emotional, exhausted, snapping at my husband and feel like I’m failing at every thing right now.

Any tips or advice from anyone who has been here? Feeling tearful tonight and want to be better for my family.

Haven't got time got a long reply but this is always the way with number 2 I think you just have less time - does the oldest still go to pre school/nursery - get all the cuddles in then - also our baby loved watching the older one being silly and singing dancing etc around the room - it's different but not less good - you have given them the gift of a sibling but this comes with less time - also you will get into the swing of it more as time goes on

You’re not failing. Everyone with more than one feels the same, especially with the exhaustion! You’re watching out for your three year old because they’re the one that notices, the baby just needs the contact, milk and to be clean and dry. Talk to your dh so you can both be there for each other- it’s such a hard time x

Go with the flow.

Except that things will be different, routines upset etc, so don’t panic if the house isn’t quite as tidy, , you live off pizza and chips all week etc.

The chances are your older child will play up a bit. He’s just getting used to the new situation.

You are doing fine!

You aren’t failing, you’re adapting.

Don’t be afraid to speak up. Tell your partner you need him to take over for a bit so you can spend some time with your older child who will have been missing you.

The 2nd baby does bring with it a bunch of new feelings and emotions you didn't necessarily get with the first.

The guilt will get easier, I'm not going to lie and say it goes, because mum guilt never really goes does it and in reality it's impossible to give both children exactly what they need from you simultaneously at the time. But as the weeks progress everything will just get a bit easier, you will feel a little less guilty and your bond with baby will grow and grow.

It's still a huge adjustment. But remember you are doing a marvellous job.

I haven’t been there but I am about to be, and I guess you’ve got to remember things were never going to be like they were with your first. You can’t give baby 2 your undivided attention like you did when baby 1 was born. There is no need to feel guilty about that. Why should you? You are setting yourself up to fail if you don’t adjust your expectations. Your babies are siblings and so they have not only you and DH but each other, now. That’s great! You’re doing brilliantly. Try and chill out and just soak in and enjoy rather than being worried you’re not doing enough.

18 months between ours who are now 3 and 5, and you need to remember you are doing your absolute best! You've gone from one to two, and it's now two lots of everything. Things will always be different, they will sleep at different times, they will likely want food at different times, you will need to balance looking after two, as well as yourself, but you will get there, it just takes time.

Be kind to yourself - I bet you are doing an amazing job!

Remember, kids are resilient - I think most older siblings, even at a very young age, do understand that you have to give a lot of time to the baby and it sounds like yours is grasping that, which is great.

@redtrain123 's advice is very good. Go with the flow, accept good enough is good enough.

Thank you everyone,I will work on adjusting my expectations and enjoying the time for what it is rather than what I think I should be doing. I’m a SAHM so no break during nursery hours for the biggest little. I think sleep deprivation is playing a huge part, I felt so anxious during a wake up early hours of this morning and struggled with some awful intrusive thoughts. my husband is currently entertaining the big one and me and baby have had a lovely lazy morning in bed so I’m feeling much better and can rationalise my thinking again. I’m going to talk to the gp this week because I think it could be PND and don’t want things to get any worse.

This is normal and it generally lifts. But def speak to the GP, see if there is support.

Time with your babies is very special. Giving them your undivided attention feels really right. I think it’s ok to grieve that this simply isn’t possible with baby 2, in the way it was with baby 1. It feels pretty normal to be sad that it isn’t the same.

But the story doesn’t end there.

Baby 2 gets something baby 1 didn’t, and that is an older sibling to play with and learn from. It’s ok that this extra special little gift isn’t your attention, but the attention of their older sibling. Each baby will have a very special and loving upbringing, and their own unique experience.

It is really sensible of you to be aware of how sleep deprivation will affect your mood and anxiety, and to go to the doctor to ask for some help. Well done!!

I hope you’re able to get a little more rest and a few more snuggles. You’re doing great.

I hear you and felt exactly the same one.

I felt bad because first didn't get ad much attention, neither did second DD.

I felt especially bad for second DD, because I felt like "I'd done it all before" and the experience wasn't as exciting as the first time round (first steps, first words, etc).

It's totally normal and having two children is not easy and you're doing great (despite of how you might feel).

All I can tell you three years on from.having second DD- they argue like crazy, but they also love eachother deeply and it's amazing to see and the guilt I felt before has evaporated.

If you'd only had one child maybe you would have felt guilty got not giving your DC a sibling.

Now you have two and less time for each of them individually, but trust me, they will have a mate for life (fingers crossed).

Nothing is harder than being a parent, be kind to yourself
Xxx