Partner works away/lives away some of the time

[notSure2024]

I am wondering if anyone would be kind enough to share their experiences in making a serious relationship work long term where you live together but then one person is away maybe 50% or the time with a commitment - say working away. Particularly if you were used to being together a lot more and then this suddenly happened.
Did it feel like a big loss? What helped to make it work? Or didn’t it work? How did any kids feel about it?
I have a decision to face on whether to live with a man I love very much but there is a real risk at some point in the future they would need to be away for maybe half the time. I’m scared to commit and get so used to having them around and then this happen - I’m worried it might feel like a big loss/whether the relationship would weaken/feel like it had gone backwards rather than forwards. On the other hand it feels silly not to do something that otherwise is so right in case a hypothetical thing happens in the future. I thought maybe hearing from others that have experienced or experience something like this might be helpful in making my decision.
if this happened it would be because they had an opportunity that may happen in the future that I would support and there is no question in my mind they shouldn’t take it. Not for them being selfish for any reason.
thank you :)

This would be a deal-breaker for me if I wanted DC because what could work for some without DC would be very different with a DC, and sadly many men aren’t willing to make changes at work when they become parents, and I’d never want to do all the parenting/juggle work for long stints.

I don't know what happens if you are used to someone being around, but DH always worked away from home Mon - Fri and came home Fri night for the weekend. It was what I was used to, and I liked it fine.

He phoned every evening for a chat around 8pm for about an hour (probably because he was usually sitting in crappy digs and was lonely) and we talked about our day. We got on well at weekends, because they were precious time to spend together, and we rarely quarrelled.

I quite happily got on with my own life, dealt with the kids etc during the week and we had our own routine. I like my own space.

When he retired and was home all the time I found it very difficult - even though I was still working full time. I got home in an evening, knackered, and he was keen to be with me whereas I just wanted to be on my own.

We get on fine now we're both retired - I'm able to spend lots of time on my own. 😁

I would find this difficult personally as I have dc. I know many people make it work but I would struggle. We both work and share the housework/school runs/cooking etc and I can imagine becoming exhausted if I was doing it all alone. If no DC then maybe it would be ok but i'd miss dh

I happened to think about this today, as my DH got back from a seven-day work trip (long flight and large time difference). Even though we had spoken a few times during his absence, when he got back this morning it was clear that we were in different mental 'spaces' e.g. he was exhausted and sleep deprived, I was in home routine and all as normal.

I think Monday morning - Friday evening is workable, but not with young children.

I have no idea how anyone whose partner actually works/ed physically away did it and have the upmost respect for them!

My DH is an ex police officer and that was bad enough. I was used to him having every other weekend off and having fairly standard shifts which didn’t impact on our life and things were good back then (also before children). He got the job when we had a very young baby.
You’d have a bad day at home with the children to find silence come his finish time and sometimes no contact for hours. Shifts would be changed last minute and nearly every weekend was spent in work.

I think without children it could be doable and bearable as you could do plenty to fill your time and cup but with children it would be a no and I wouldn’t do it again if I knew how hard it would be.

That isn’t the kind of father I wanted for my child. I wanted someone who was an actively involved, hands-on parent.

Well, thousands of forces families do it.
Thousands of people work off shore.

my dad worked abroad when i was little, my mum did find it hard, but they had a strong relationship and are about to celebrate their 54th anniversary.

Been with dh 18 years. He's been military 22 years. We have 2 dds 14 and 12. I don't like it but it's all we have known.

Of course it is workable

If you love him and he loves you, you do whatever it takes to make it work. It wouldn't bother me to have a partner away 50% of the time. In fact I'd welcome it! I couldn't be joined at the hip with anyone.

When DD was small, her dad worked shifts and sometimes we didn't see him for days on end. It didn't bother me at all as I knew we'd see him at some point and when he was around he was a very hands-on parent. I loved having DD to myself when he was at work. I worked full-time and it was all a hectic juggle but it worked for us.

Forces families and off shore families have been doing this for generations.

From what I see in friends they tick along great and then dad comes home and upsets the routine although they are pleased to see him. Some I know the dad gets shirty over 'mum' spending all his money whilst he is offshore. But quite alot of them are long timers and the absences seems to do the relationship good rather than the other way around.

We had a LDR for a long time when we got together.

lived together in a third place for nearly a decade before moving somewhere else. DH worked away during the week including when DD came along. He switched to permanent WFH when she was 2.

I need my own space and after a few years moved to a job with a lot of travel. I’m now away 40-50% of the time.

it works for us.

It can work, of course it can.

But my experience was that it didn't.
I felt resentful that I had to juggle all the parenting while he was way 3-4 days per week.

We grew apart.
I trusted him implicitly, he shagged about which was very easy to do with the lifestyle he had.

We are no longer together.
He regrets it all. 🤷‍♂️

@lololulu I think that you missed that I put 'I think' at the beginning of that sentence before flatly contradicting me...

It's an opinion, which is what the OP requested.

They actually asked for people’s experiences.

Would it be away for chunks of time or, eg, working away during the week or back at the weekends? I would have much less of a problem with the latter than the former, even with a small child (which we have - and DS does travel a lot during the week). But I've also been with DH 15 years so I'm not too fussed if I don't see him in person for a bit.

Well yes, I shared an opinion, based on my own experience - isn't that how it often works on Mumsnet?

No I saw the "I think"

My husband worked away on weekdays for about 7 years -. I made the final decision - if id have said no he wouldn't have taken it even though it was his dream job . I didn't want to move to London- I liked my job, had a close family and my 2 eldest were happy and settled in school. We have 3 children and it was tough at times- mainly if one of the kids were unwell,but I got into a great routine and had family near - my husband could be back in a couple of hours if needed.
We made the most of the weekends and it worked for us.

Well, I hope that my post was of some assistance to the OP at any rate.

Thank you to those that have responded. There’s a little point I feel I should clarify. I’ve always parented alone, so I'm not concerned about this aspect. I am
more worried about the impact of my child missing them if they are used to them being around if that makes sense as she adores him. So was more wondering how kids cope with people they love away a few days a week. But this is all stuff to think about thank you so much for the helpful thoughts xx

It’s always been normal for DD.