Am i a maid?

[Tigi2003]

Am i being out of order, please be truthful, i cant seem to see past my opinion and come to resolution.

I'm a full time working mum of two kids, i work 5 days full time. My partner also works full time but he works 6 days. So more hours than me.

I spend my weekends (days off) cleaning, laundry, shopping etc. During week i also do majority of teas. I manage all of the finances/bills. Many of parenting tasks come down to me: homework, health appointments etc. My argument is that my partner feels its acceptable to do nothing housewise because he works 6 days and i only work 5. I understand his point and feel unable to argue the point. Am i being unreasonable? I have attempted to speak to him but i just get the response "i work more days than you so the housework is your responsibility". I feel like a maid in my own home.

I have no option to reduce hours at work. I'm unable to afford hired help.

I think he's being a bit cheeky.

He's taking the piss, bigtime.

I’m with HappyDane here, piss take.

Yes then, you are a maid - that’s the blunt answer. You need to change it and quick, we’re living in 2024, this isn’t Call The Midwife days! Time for change!

He doesn't have any respect for you and he's treating you with contempt. Can't you have a conversation where you divide chores according to working hours. It's completely unfair to sit there scratching his arse, while you run around.

I would stop doing anything for him to start with, don't clean up after him, don't do his laundry, don't shop or cook and don't sleep well him. He's not showing you a modicum of respect

He shouldn't be doing as much as you but he should be doing something!!!
It shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility that he does the washing up if you cook or he changes all of the beds once a week if you have cleaned up. Does he do anything at all?

MN consensus (and I think it's a good one) is that you should both have equal amounts of leisure time.
So if he does an additional 7h shift, you should only be doing 7h more cooking, cleaning, meal planning, shopping, washing, childcare stuff & life admin.

I guarantee you're doing more than that & he's taking the piss.

Yes @ConiferBat has it. How much time do you each have to do what you like? That's the thing to compare - not working hours.

There's far more Labour involved in all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the admin, all the mental load, all the childcare than one extra day at work.
So yes, he's being selfish and lazy.
But worse is that he knows it and doesn't care. He's happy to watch you exhausted whilst he enjoys leisure time. That isn't love I'm afraid.

Yep, you're the maid. I have a sit down and talk about tasks that need doing and see if he's willing to take some on. If not stop doing his washing and clearing up after him - he'll soon get the message.

Yes you are.

How many hours of free time does he have, how many do you have? I bet you are always doing something even if it's just watching the children and unable to leave.

You do have another option, leave him. That way you only have the kids some of the time and, don't have to run around after the sexist pig either.

If housework and childcare, are by his own admition, work, then your job stops at thr end of the working day and each member does their share after that.

Certainly not reduce your hours. Stop doing his share of the housework too. No more washing his clothes for a start!

Personally I'd be out of there. Fuck raising my kids seeing their mother treated like a damn skivy.

Even the way you say 'i' in 'I am unable to hure a cleaner'. It's a partnership, it should be 'we'. And if his wife if struggling and he won't help - that's not a decent partner. Run.

Thanks for your responses, really do appreciate it. Was just talking myself around in circles that i was being the one that was being unreasonable. Really was doubting myself, and my justification. List of jobs sounds like a really good starting point, dont think he realises just how much i do, or he does and doesnt care, which i hope isnt the case. I'm all for doing more because i understand he works an additional day, but in my head doing alittle more is very different from doing it all. No more Maid duties, fingers crossed 🤞

Great post

Does he have to work a 6 day week due the requirements of the job or household finances?

If he was on his own he'd have to do all domestic duties and half childcare ones.

Point that out

He knows, they always know. He values himself and his time more than you and if he can bully you into doing it all he will and is. Tell him you want to swap, get a Saturday job and he is responsible for everything else. Watch him back track. Or leave, lifes easier when you're not having to constantly negotiate fairness out of someone.

'I'm happy to do a little extra in the home as I work one less day. But evenings and your days off, I expect you to door fair share of housework and childcare. This isn't 1940 and those jobs are not exclusively mine. This isn't a negotiation. It's me telling you that if you don't step up to the plate, I will leave you. I won't raise children in a home where their father takes their mother for granted. We may also still need to hire a cleaner'.

If he doesn't apologise profusely fir putting you in the situation where thus discussion even needs to be had, and, step up to the plate big time, consistently, then get yourself out of there.

OP he does paid work 6 days to your 5.
That means for household work, you should do 6 tasks to his 5.

Don’t be confused by him saying you get double the weekend or whatever he says. It’s all work.

Draw up a list of tasks. Allocate in a ratio of 6:5. Obviously some will take more time than others so ensure the allocation of tasks has a time weighting element to account for this. For instance you may count dishwasher emptying as only half a task. Etc.

Or tell him to fuck off and start pulling his weight.

He's talking nonsense. I'd rather work an extra day than do all that.

How can this outrageously unfair situation be happening in 2024? I agree with the posters who say this man is 100% taking the piss out of you ... and you are allowing it!.

Don't threaten to leave him unless you are absolutely fully prepared to carry it out.

There is a book, with a set of cards or lists? does anyone have the reference? It gives you a full list of all household tasks, which you can adapt as needed. If you try to make your own lists it will be hard to get it all fully accounted for.

The other option is to measure equal leisure time.
If he sits on the sofa, you sit next to him, and don't budge until he does, even if it means no dinner is forthcoming and the laundry not done. If he goes out for a couple of hours leaving you with the kids, you make sure you do the same the next evening.

So his idea of fair's fair is that he goes to work 6 days a week and has one day off, and you go to work 5 days a week and do all the housework, cleaning and other chores on the other 2 days, is that right?

When is your day off?