Disappointed with mum’s comments in run up to wedding

[Biscuits11]

I got engaged in December and the wedding is next year. Since then, I have found my mum quite difficult to deal with. She has traditional views but her recent comments have been judgmental and unkind. For example, my fiancé proposed with a lab diamond ring because we had discussed it beforehand and I’d said I’d prefer a lab diamond because it’s better value for money and also more ethical. Perhaps foolishly, I told my mum it was a lab diamond when I showed her. I thought we were close and that she’d be happy for similar reasons as I was but clearly she wasn’t. A few months later, she was shopping around for an engagement ring to upgrade her original one. When I suggested the jeweller my fiancé had bought mine from she said ‘oh, but I want a proper diamond, not one like yours.’

Then today I had lunch with her and she asked if I was changing my surname after the wedding. I said probably not. I actually haven’t decided whether to keep my maiden name or double barrel it for future DC. But I probably won’t take his name because I feel it’s an outdated custom and I want any children we have to have my name, at least in part.

My fiancé is from a culture where it’s not the norm to change names after marriage and his mother, grandmother etc have all kept their maiden names. My mum had a strong reaction and told me I should be changing my name and that I’m weird for not doing so. It’s such a big deal made out of a non-issue so now I’m fed up.

I find her comments quite hurtful and it’s getting me down a bit. I don’t want to tell her anything else about the wedding in case she criticises it. I’m not sure if she realises how she’s coming across but I wish she would keep her unkind comments to herself. We already had a fallout earlier this year when I told her we had chosen to have a small registry office wedding rather than the big church wedding she had. She was very, very upset but has had to accept it.

Should I bring this up and let her know how she’s making me feel? Or just stop discussing anything wedding related with her? It’s a shame because I’m her only daughter and I imagined this all playing out differently.

Maybe you could say,

You're my mum and I'd love you to be a part of the wedding planning and be able to talk things through with you. I always thought this would be something we'd do together. But I'm finding your attitude upsetting and if you can't stop being so critical, I'll end up feeling like I can't share things with you which would be really sad.

She will either realise what she's doing and stop or you will know she's just too selfish to put you first.

That’s something I could try, although she’ll probably become defensive. I tried to talk to her about calling me weird earlier and she denied saying it and said I’d made it up. So either she says things and forgets, or she knows she’s said things and won’t face up to them when confronted. This was about ten minutes after she had said it so fairly recent.

Tell her if she can't even pretend to be happy for you to not bother coming

I wouldn’t get too caught up about the diamond comment as you said that you were happy with your lab diamond. Does it matter that she wants a proper diamond?

The surname conversation. That’s her opinion, feel free to take it or leave it. Just remember to not have it again with her.

OP, are you ok with the wedding you’re having? The relationship in general with your mum? Is there a back story here?

Lab diamonds are made of exactly the same carbon as a normal diamond. She needs some science lessons

The ring thing is just personal choice. Some people do prefer diamonds over lab diamonds.

Other remarks just sound like a typical generation gap and your mum having more traditional values/views.

We make light of it in our family with gentle ribbing.

She sounds like she says the first thing that comes into her head which surely is no surprise OP. She's either always been like this or something is wrong with her.

Don't ask for her opinion anymore. Just say it's my choice and I'm happy with it, referring to rings/names/wedding plans. Tell her it's not up for discussion and change the subject or end the call or visit.

As for her 'memory' of course she remembers, she doesn't want to be held accountable.

@Glasscabinet I’m happy with the wedding and am excited about the venue. We’ve chosen a nice registry office in London. I wouldn’t say there is a backstory. We’ve always had a close relationship but she was sometimes controlling of me in my teen years. I have strong boundaries with her now so that’s not such an issue any more.

@NagaTwatchetty I’m not really sure what you mean. I don’t have anything to do with that poster and I’m not promoting anything, if that’s what you’re saying?

Ignore her or tell her she is being old fashioned

I would say "I'm really worried about your memory. I told you X and now you say I didn't." Hopefully you'll only have to say that once.

Ok so you called a tradition she likes ‘out dated’ or similar. Potentially offending her. Whilst I agree with you. Telling someone you are doing something different to them because it’s old fashioned doesn’t go down well.

She told you she doesn’t want a lab grown diamond. Potentially offending you. She was telling you she doesn’t want what you have and it offended you.

I am sure you didn’t mean to offend her about the surname thing. And I am sure she didn’t mean to offend you.

She was wrong for falling out with you over the type of wedding you want. I am sure she was disappointed as she imagined it different. But as parents we have to accept our children’s choices. She was wrong there. But that’s her issue not yours.

Being kind to her, does she maybe feel you might be doing things that don’t seem like choices you would make and while you are saying these are your choices, you are actually just going along with everything your fiancé wants? I am not saying you are, but could she be thinking that and it’s causing tension?

I have an adult daughter I wouldn’t be surprised if she made the choices you have (more sustainable engagement ring, small wedding etc) because that is in line with who she is. If she all of a sudden was making choices that didn’t seem like things she really wanted I might wonder if she is just going along with what her other half wanted and not having her needs and wants listened to.

I always had a rough relationship with my mother but the wedding planning was like little nails going into a coffin for me .. little dig here, little dig there. Over the years things have got worse and worse and now I don’t like spending time with her at all sadly.

Rather diamond, I think some people don't really understand that a pan diamond is structurally identical to a mined one. They think of it like cubic zirconia, so that might be a misunderstanding.

I think she's scared of losing you esp if she's a bit of a control freak. She's realising you don't need her in the way you did - you are making decisions without her input and this scares her.
Have a gentle conversation about how this is upsetting you, and that you do love her and value her opinion, even when yours are different.

Excuse typos - am on the app and cba to edit. But hopefully you get the gist

@SwiftiesVSLestat I didn’t say the thing about it being outdated to her. That’s something I’ve written on here just to explain. Sorry for not making it clear. To her, I said I probably will keep my name and that’s all.

I don’t think she has concerns about me going along with things my fiancé wants because I never wanted a big wedding. I actually didn’t even think much about marriage or weddings until I met my fiancé and realised he was the right person for me. I chose that ring type because we are saving for a house and I didn’t want a lot of money spent on a piece of jewellery.

@ABirdsEyeView Maybe you’re right about her worries about losing me. There is a strong chance I will move abroad for a few years after the wedding and she’s used to me always living nearby. I will miss her if I go, so maybe I’ll have a chat to her about that and explain it won’t be a permanent move.

Yes I think its more she is old fashioned and is stuck in her old time thinking.
Its your wedding so your choices.
Enjoy your special day xxxx

Everyone who says unkind things knows they are saying unkind things.

You don't have to tell your mum everything just because she's your mum.

OP I have no real advice on how to deal with this but totally understand. My mum is the same and always has been. I don’t think she’s ever been happy for me for anything I’ve achieved. She’ll never change and I CBA trying.

I let it wash over me. I grey rock her and am fairly low contact.

💐

I don't think there is anything wrong with the ring comment.
You prefer a lab diamond - she prefers a traditional diamond. How can you possibly take offence at that? She wasn't being rude or critical when she said 'proper' diamond, just wouldn't know what else to call it. That one sounds like you are looking for offense. Two people liking different things doesn't mean it is insulting at all.

Re the names - it is what it is. I'd have thought that a parent and their adult child ought to be able to discuss something and come to an acceptance they hold different opinions about it, without that causing offense too.

Surely the answer to anything that you feel criticised about is "You made your choices when you got married, and I'm making my choices for when I get married." After all, things change, and everyone's circumstances are different. I expect there are things that she did differently from the way her mother did things.

Really not worth getting het up about.

You explaining the reasoning behind your choices carries an implicit criticism of hers. She’s being defensive. Say less.