Is this gaslighting from my partner?

[Caramelshortcake1]

I literally can’t seem to communicate with my partner about anything. Some examples. Oh we really should have covered the caravan before the rain. His reply well what do you expect me to have done I’m busy. I’m not accusing him of anything just that it’s a shame we haven’t done it.

Another example. Please don’t say this word because it’s not nice in front of the kids….his reply is oh so it’s ok you say ( and then say a completely different word). We aren’t talking about me but if this is a word you don’t like then why haven’t you told me before. He does this with everything I say to him…but you or what about you when you do this etc etc.

Every time there is a deflection back onto me about something I do. He never admits anything. Never seems to understand that my feelings have been hurt regardless of whether he thinks they should or not.

Ive always suspected he is ND. Could this be part of this? Whatever I suppose it’s getting on my bloody nerves as he never reflects and never changes anything.

No it's not gaslighting. Gaslighting is saying or doing something with the intent of making out you're going mad.

He's sounds really immature as this is something teenagers do. You're stuck in a rut communication wise. If you want to stay in the relationship, have you thought about counselling to learn new ways of relating?

I think this behaviour is known as DARVO ,they see anything you say as an accusation which leads to them calling you out on things and throwing blame back at you.It leads to walking on eggshells just to avoid conflict.

I think I may have used the wrong word for what I’m trying to explain. But its exasperating and I feel like I’ve got another child to deal with. He has such a sensitivity to blame when I’m not blaming. Definitely need to find a better way to talk.

That isn't gaslighting, OP.

It's very annoying though.

Yes, exasperating is a better word.

He doesn't sound very easy to live with.

I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether, it sounds infuriating. You can't have a relationship with someone you can't talk to.

Yes I just can’t be bothered to say anything. I walk away after anything I’ve said worse off knowing things about myself. I’m totally happy to be told things if I’ve done something but not like this. “Oh you think you are perfect” no I don’t but we are supposed to be talking about what you did.

Yes and he is wrong. We have a child going through assessment for ASD and he is not willing to change a dam thing about the way he is dealing with them despite the fact it isn’t working. It’s his way and this way and the child needs to adapt. It’s ridiculous.

As pp explained well, gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation where the person denies things and basically makes you question reality/your sanity. Doesn’t sound like he’s trying to do that.
It sounds like he is hearing any thing remotely negative as direct criticism. My husband and I went through this (although I am the suspected ND person) so we had a lot of chats about ‘when I say X, what are you hearing?’ And about how we perceive each others tone etc.
I know it feels awkward and he may not be interested in having a conversation like that but hopefully if you broach it as ‘I am worried that I am inadvertently hurting your feelings, can we talk about it?’ he may be more willing to talk?
tbh one other big factor for us was that my husband was under a lot of stress at the time and I got the short end of the stick for a while, now a combination of working out what we want to focus on for our happiness and talking about the way we communicate has really helped.
I hope he is open to talking about it with you and recognising he’s biting your head off for no reason; it is exhaust to feel like you have to walk on eggshells all the time!

Ex is like that to anything he deemed as a criticism of him.
I couldn't have a serious conversation with him.
For example:
Him giving me the silent treatment.
Me: is there a reason that you're not speaking to me?
Ex: is there a reason you're not speaking to me.
Row ensues.
Me: I don't like the way you speak to me.
Ex: I don't like the way you speak to me.
Me: why do you always deflect everything back onto me?
Ex: why do you always deflect everything back onto me?
Me: (completely exasperated) I can't even have a conversation with you.
Ex: I can't even have a conversation with you.
Note he's an ex!

That’s exactly what happens. Nothing changes from his side. All I do is just stop telling him until I build it up and get pissed then I have a go and then your above argument happens all over again.

My ex is like that- always tries to deflect any implied criticism by bringing up something completely separate that I have apparently done wrong. I’ve started using the classic teacher phrase “be that as it may..” on him, it works a treat!

Eg -
Me: “please can you remember to pay me the money for the school trip that we agreed we would go halves on”
Him- “DD told me that you made her eat mushrooms even though she hates them” (seriously, something completely random )
Me- “be that as it may, I need the money for the school trip”

Etc etc until he gives in and does it!

@FlowerBee62 It's not DARVO. That's when the abuser accuses their victim of the type of behaviour they themselves have perpetrated. It involves a lot of manipulation and is used to force the victim into submission.

This sounds like extreme selfishness, lack of consideration, communication and responsibility. He does seem dismissive of @Caramelshortcake1 though, so if he won't accept there is a problem, things will not change and she will need to decide what to do. I suspect she already knows what she needs to do.

Yes I don’t think it’s coming from a place of intentional manipulation and I don’t think he wants my submission also. I get it because I’m not perfect but it’s the timing and we are at that point talking about me and what’s hurting me. If he keeps quiet about something that I do that annoys him then he needs to open up at a different time. So simply yet so complicated.

Would he be open to relationship counselling? It might help to have a mediator to try to improve communication if it's just that he's defensive and feeling criticised when it's not the intention. To stop seeing you as an antagonist.

It may be that he has a fragile ego and needs to do some work on himself. How does he react to other people's comments?

Or it may be an emotionally abusive way of just shutting you up. In which case joint counselling is a bad idea.

It’s a communication style problem. Try reframing your points so he doesn’t see them as a criticism.

For example, instead of, “I don’t like the way you speak to me” say something like, “I feel hurt and sad because I don’t like when we argue about xxx”. Instead of, “Why aren’t your speaking to me” say, “I feel disconnected from you and it makes me worried and sad because I want to feel close to you. Can we talk about it?” Also, try to actually say that you hope it doesn’t sound like you’re criticising him and that you would like to build more closeness because that’s when you feel best. Keep it about you. Use I feel statements.

I feel emotionally distant from you and it’s making me feel sad. Can we talk about it so I can feel close to you again.

I feel like I may have done something that has upset you in some way but I’m unsure what that is, can we talk about it so I can make things right between us?

I know our child’s asn can be really challenging, could be discuss ways that might make managing his behaviour easier for all of us because I feel some things aren’t currently meeting his needs as well as they could.

I’ve noticed that when I say things like, “we should’ve put the cover on the caravan” it might come across as a criticism of you. I apologise if that’s the case. It wasn’t my intention and I am trying to communicate better going forward.

Changing how we communicate can take time and practice. You can’t change how your husband chooses to communicate but you can change how you communicate with him and hopefully, this will be the catalyst to better communication all round. I would read up on it and even seek some counselling if you can to help you find better ways to communicate for yourself. You might find that changing your approach makes a huge difference.

Thanks. It’s extremely difficult especially around dd probable ASD. When I’ve spoken to him and said the compromise needs to come from us as the adults he will say what about me, I don’t like the way she speaks so she gets back in return the same. It’s childish in my own head to think like this. She is 8 and he is an adult. He thinks she does it on purpose and I try and explain that it’s the way she is wired and she sees what we say as threats as much as he does. It’s like 2 children but one is a child. He has no diagnosis of NT but his behaviour is so fixed that I’m sure he is also.

I understand. I have an ASD child myself AuDHD. It can be very challenging. You’re right, of course that he is the adult and she is a child with asn. However, pointing that out in such a way won’t get you the desired outcomes you are looking for. So, you have to make changes. I know that sucks but ultimately, you’re the one who seems capable of making the change first. So, model to your child. Use clear, unambiguous statements. Lead by example. If your husband gets angry, take a deep breath and explain to your child, because we are a little bit upset/angry/sad/overexcited/overwhelmed, we are going to take a calm time out together. Then remove your child from your husbands presence and do something with your child that she finds relaxing. Talk to her while you do this about how to talk to people. Explain sometimes people don’t always understand each other and might get upset. Make sure your daughter knows she is safe and it’s ok to have strong feelings. Comfort her. Again, you can’t change your husbands communication style but you can model what you want to see. There’s a good book called The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene which you might want to read about managing challenging behaviour. It might be useful for communicating with both your daughter and your husband. It seems like his emotional maturity and ways of coping with emotions are stunted in a child like stage. This can improve but it will take a lot of effort and perseverance on your part to change your communication style first and model good communication. It’s worth doing anyway for your daughter but it should help your marriage too.