How do you start from scratch?

[venkman]

Long time reader, nvr posted before.

I am looking for some ideas on how to start from scratch.

I am thinking about giving up on my marriage and moving back to the UK. I live in Holland with my Dutch husband and I am really struggling. We live out in the sticks with our 5 year old DD. Because we live in the sticks, we're 90 mins from Amsterdam (where everyone speaks English) so I am struggling to find work and make friends. Basically I am lonely and miss my family and friends. He has hardly any family and friends and spends most time working or riding his bike

Husband has a good job and supports us financially, but not really interested in parenting and just gets grumpy we get no time as a couple / not enough sex.
DD is at school and can speak Dutch but prefers speaking English and has additional needs which are hard to navigate with no help from husband and in a foreign place. She also doesn't have friends outside of school and because of my lack of social life, we don't really see anyone or do anything. We meet up with my family / friends in the school holidays but they are all busy with their own lives so contact isn't often.

I've been here 3 years and have asked husband if we can move to be more international (nearer A'dam)and said I'll try a bit longer but I might want to move back to the UK.
He is not interested in either and says I need to try harder and I'm just being lazy and I make him feel guilty and I'm being selfish etc etc.

ANYWAY.

Whilst I'm trying to make it work I'm also trying to work out a plan B. And I don't know what to do.

My friends and family are scattered all over the place in the UK so I don't know where I'd even move back to (lived in London with DH before we moved but only for a couple of years and don't want to go back there now).

I also have no money and no job. We merged all our savingss and finances because of the Dutch move and now I don't have my own income, I have no funds to start off alone.

How do other people leave / start from scratch?

Has anyone else moved to a new area as a single parent, what worked / what didn't?

It feels incredibly frightening and impossible but I don't think staying here is going to work either but I'm scared I'll stay because I don't know how to start again.

Is moving home to a family members an option? Start job hunting in the UK?

I would be tempted to work as much as possible where you are now and plan to move back in 12months + if I felt no better.

Are you able to take your daughter out of the country?

Can you file for divorce in Holland, sell the house and use that money plus any other finances you get in the divorce to start elsewhere?

I’ve done this before. I was 32 and Dd11. Left a domestic abuse relationship in another country. Not DD’s father.
Arrived back in the U.K. with £1000, 3 suitcases and no real family or friends. This is because prior to this I grew up in a 3rd country.
Basically sofa surfed, got Dd into school, found a flat to rent, found a job. It wasn’t easy and no benefits available due to me not being a habitual resident of the U.K. although I was born here and have a British passport.
25 plus years later I’m very happily married and financially stable.
Very scary time, and looking back I can’t believe how brave (or naive) I was!
Absolutely one of the best decisions I ever made.
It is possible, you can do it. Good luck!

The biggest stumbling block is your DD. Is she allowed to leave without his permission? If not then I'm sorry, returning to the UK won't happen. So work that bit out first.

Has he categorically refused to move from the rural area or just refused to move to your first choice place?

I'm so sorry, leaving is hard enough without having different countries thrown in

Thanks for the replies.

No, I'd need to create a parenting plan with him and if he didn't want me to take her out of the country then I could not.

I think he may put up a small fight to keep her in the country but I doubt he'd see her more than once a week - possibly less so u could maybe make a case to move back afterwards.

But I think I'd have to assume or plan for a life here to begin with, which is not ideal

And he's categorically refused to move. Says it's costs too much money and I'm just not trying hard enough or I'm being lazy. I've applied for over 100 jobs, had 2 interviews. Most want fluent Dutch or the commute is impossible now people are back in the office approx 3 days a week.

Could you both compromise and move as a family to Germany? Imo German is easier to learn and most Dutch people speak German. There might be a bit more going on in Germany as it has a bigger population and most Germans will insist on speaking to you in English.

The only way forward as far as I can see, is to file for divorce while living together. Hopefully you'll be entitled to a share of the finances, though you should obviously get legal advice.

Then move somewhere closer to civilization and get a job.

*The only way forward as far as I can see, is to file for divorce while living together. Hopefully you'll be entitled to a share of the finances, though you should obviously get legal advice.

Then move somewhere closer to civilization and get a job.*

I think you're right. When I'm low and struggling to see a future together it's hard to have "unknown" as your alternative but I guess I just have to believe that something will work out and try not to make the UK my first priority

If you moved to Amsterdam would you be able to get a job and support the pair of you? Or is Amsterdam ridiculously expensive like London?

It is ridiculously expensive and hard to find decent places within budget. We have a house now with a garden and we'd probably end up in an apartment.

Husband has says he doesn't want to as we'd lose so much in terms of life quality. There are other cities that are less expensive with expats etc but I think he basically doesn't want to move anywhere and thinks it's my fault for not trying hard enough.

I didn't mean him move with you, I meant you move with your daughter.

Oh I see! Yes, having written all this down and from some of the responses, I think that would at least need to be the first step and either after a while I realised he was the issue, not NL, and I liked it - or that the effort he makes with his DC can be made with me living in the UK and I can make a case based on actual evidence to move back to UK.

There are a lot of benefits to NL (schools are great, healthcare is great, weather is slightly better). But I miss friends and family and just understanding how stuff works (or doesn't).

He thinks you are lazy and selfish, but he won't consider moving and doesn't do any parenting? Hmm.

Does he understand that you are considering ending the marriage over this? Would it make him realise how serious this is, or would he not care?

What is your work experience? What job opportunities are there in Amsterdam, in the UK? If you stay in NL, I think Amsterdam would be easier because of the English. There are lots of international companies there. Other larger towns may also work better than being out in the sticks. It would be easier to make your own friends, too.

Do you drive, have access to a car? Thst widens your options for work. If you're in Ams, it doesn't matter do much, because public transport is good, but I'm guessing in the sticks it's less so.

He provides for you - but do you have access to your own money? If you wanted to put a deposit on an apartment or something? A house with a garden is nice, but towns and cities often have parks and so on. A friend in Amsterdam had a volkstuin.

Do you have Dutch/EU citizenship if you divorce?

You have time to gather info, what your rights would be to marital assets, to parenting and financial support, whether you can move country. without his permission, etc. You can look for a job near to where you want to live. Or decide to find somewhere to live where you can get a job. If he won't listen to your needs, he's not leaving you much choice.