My Inconsistent, unreliable Mum

[Spaghettihoopler]

I have very unreliable, inconsistent family support. I'm a single mum and my DM has been very hot and cold all my life. It's been difficult to articulate until my sister in law recently told me she's confused by my mum- how she can be amazing and then suddenly non-existent. I felt very seen. She'd got it.

She'll do things like be fully engaged with the children, playing with them, doing all sorts with them but then disappear to the shops for two hours suddenly when she's offered watch them so that I can complete a task. Then she's suddenly gone. She'll make promises to the children to do certain things, then it doesn't happen. They're often disappointed by her one minute and then overjoyed by her the next which is difficult for me to watch as I've also ridden that unpredictable roller coaster over the years.

She recently told me she "might" go on holiday with me without my kids for a few nights which my ex agreed to facililate, then booked to go on holiday with her boyfriend instead. She asked me to take the children to visit them whilst on holiday for a night, I said I couldn't but that I could go on my own to visit for a night. She told me she didn't want me to go on my own 😕.

She'll visit us as she lives 2 hours away but arrives 6 hours late on a regular basis. Then she'll take us all out for dinner which is lovely but we will have waited around for her all day and she's been uncontactable so we've had no idea what time she's arriving. She recently arrived 6 hours late on my birthday. My birthday was 2 weeks ago and I'm still waiting for my main present which she tells me is "on the way."

She'll go over and above for her boyfriend's adult children in ways she doesn't for us and boast about it all over facebook. She was the same with my cousins, the doting aunt whilst my brother and I were neglected at home every Sunday whilst she and our dad went to the pub all day. We were only 9 and 11 when it started.

We can't easily go and visit her as they got a cat a few years ago and I'm allergic! Yet we're "always welcome."

She'll send me random thoughtful gifts through the post for no reason with lovely notes attached, but then will buy me boxes of chocolates for christmas and birthdays which I can't eat because I'm lactose intolerant (she knows this). And cards and gifts are often very late too.

She'll call me most days and then be completely uncontactable for 4 days and lie about her phone playing up.

In the last two years she's told me at points that she's thinking of moving back to our hometown and will send me links to houses she likes in the area, asking for advice about them. She makes out she's leaving her boyfriend. But nothing ever adds up and she stays with him and they appear happy together. I feel like she's trying to get me to want her to move back here. Like she wants me to need/want her. It's highly odd. My brother has zero patience for her and is very rude with her. His wife is very much like me: loves her but is incredibly confused by her. My mum is very kind and generous with her too at times. We don't get it.

She's frustratingly inconsistent.
How do I deal with this sort of thing? She can be really quite amazing one minute and then totally inconsistent the next. I've spoken to her about arriving late etc and she just tells me that she doesn't like abiding by times. 🤯

Yikes, that sounds tough.
It sounds like perhaps she gets overwhelmed? I know everyone seems to have ADHD these days, but do you think perhaps she does? Executive functioning seems low?

I would perhaps manage your expectations for some of the above ie) appreciate the thoughtful gifts, but if she hasn’t given a birthday present just let it go.

However, it sounds like it may be useful to put boundaries in place. Ie, don’t wait more than x amount of time for her before you just carry on with your plans.
Have you ever discussed this with her? Is she able to hold down a job?

I've wondered the same @Pinkissmart although she has no issues holding down a job. She's a deputy manager of a company. I know she often works late because she has ben distracted during the working day so I know she could b more efficient at times, but she's always had managerial jobs for as long as I remember.

I do think that she works so hard at her job that she has little energy left to be efficient at family life at times. She's always been the same. I worked for her once for a short time when I left uni and told a colleague how she was at home and they didn't believe me.

Did she have a tough upbringing?

You know, I would have a small conversation about the most important points and agree some ways to manage it- ie you won’t tell the kids she is coming along to a day out, but agree that you won’t wait more than 20 mins before you leave.

Would she go see someone, or invest in some tools to help manage her time/ memory better?

ADHD or not (and I would say not), its no excuse or justification for such poor behaviour towards her now adult children.

Would you tolerate your mother's behaviour from a friend?. Seems unlikely. And now she is doing this same behaviour to your kids; where is your line in the sand here?.

She has not changed really since your own childhood; she remains as self centered as she ever was. She behaves differently around and to her boyfriend's adult children; they're her priority along with her Big Job (she does not arrive at that nor at her bf's adult children's houses six hours late does she) and her now boyfriend. Your siblings and you have never been prioritised; you were emotionally neglected and remain so. I think your brother has the measure of her and your mother tries to manipulate and otherwise play on your heartstrings.

Its not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way. I would further lower all interactions with her and if she again turns up to your home six hours late do not let her in, let alone accept her invitation to take you all out to dinner.

I was about to say the same about undiagnosed ADHD, I know many people who have been diagnosed but do manage to hold down jobs so that isn't necessarily a factor

Many people have tough upbringings and or crap childhoods themselves but do not choose to act like this towards their relatives. Your mother had a choice when it came to you and she chose to inflict the same old she endured in her childhood onto you. Its no excuse nor justification and I would think she arrives on time when she goes and sees her man's adult children; same with her Big Job.

Sending you chocolates that you cannot eat is not her being thoughtful. Cards and "gifts" for you arrive late (and are also loaded with obligation).

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Ime seeing you and the dc reminds her of her failings as a dm. So she walks away until the feelings pass. Then appears back and so it goes on. Stop making plans with her or giving her chance to let the dc down. If she shows up so be it-don't give her a royal reception.. If she doesn't well that's what you expected. I am nc with both dps for the shoddy treatment of me and my dc..

Basically don't ask her for anything, don't expect anything and never have any plans dependent on her. Never wait long.

Go "oh that's a lovely idea mum" if she suggests holidays or whatever, but don't take it seriously. It's just a nice thing she's saying, not a real offer.

I'd lower contact for your kids' sake as they don't need this emotional rollercoaster - intermittent reinforcement is very damaging and addictive.

Is she possibly disappearing to drink? You mentioned her going to the pub all day when you were a child and the only person I have known to disappear like this had an alcohol problem.

I’d say there’s something going on that isn’t ADHD.

i say this as have a couple of family members with ADHD and suspect I have it too ( on waiting list for assessment)

she sounds consistent with her inconsistency. I’m also terrible at getting presents to people on time, but when I do, they are thoughtful. I’d never send just chocolates. How hard is it to give your daughter cash
if you’re rubbish at presents? There are ways around this. I’ve never missed my own kids birthdays.

the fact she bends over backwards for bf’s kids suggests this is about appearances. She wants to be seen as this amazing woman, but if she thinks you’re impressed with her, she stops trying.

Sometimes people with trauma have just enough energy to hold it together for work. And they may not realise that they are important to others, and that their absence/ presence may really impact others.

Some elements of OP’s situation resonates with me and a member of my family. This person most definitely has unresolved trauma and possibly ADHD. She does the best she can.
Maybe OP’s mum is a loving person who just Isn’t managing, or maybe she’s just thoughtless. Might be worth a conversation though.

It doesn't seem like she does these things out of malice, I would say there's definitely something going on with her, possibly ADHD as I recognise some of these things within myself, I'm always apologising for something.

I think it would be good for you to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with, draw your own boundaries with her and calmly put them in place.
If she is aware of her behaviour but feels unable to change she will likely understand immediately why you've done this and respect it, if not she will blow up and you may have to explain why you need to do this.

I hope you get a resolution.

The 6 hours late thing is a real red flag in terms of controlling behaviour.

what does she say when she arrives? Is she apologetic ? Doesn’t she get that her behaviour is unacceptable when kids are waiting around?

plan to do something with her and if she doesn’t turn up and doesn’t call to explain why- just do activity without her. Don’t tell her- let her turn up at your home and see no-one at home.

If she complains, say you are 6 hours late. We couldn’t reach you so assumed you weren’t coming. If it potentially inconveniences her, she’ll soon change

Sorry OP, no real advice, but would like to thank you for the thread as I have this exact problem with my dad and it’s really interesting reading the replies so far.

i’ve completely dropped all expectations of him now, distanced myself (emotionally and physically), and never take anything he says seriously. i.e if he says he’s coming on Sunday at 10AM I make other backup plans incase, and if he doesnt arrive after an hour/phonecall then i’m out the house, if he does turn up it’s a nice surprise etc.

Having an inconsistent parent growing up can be really upsetting and confusing. I no longer go out my way to facilitate a relationship with him, and choose to spend my energy with people who have consistently shown love and respect for me.

Making sure I have firm emotional boundaries in place has helped me not feel so upset when he repeatedly lets me down/doesn’t follow through.

She sounds like an absolute pita and I don't care if she has adhd. I feel really sorry for you. I would stop allowing her behaviour. Don't let her promise things to your children and tell her why. If she says she'll visit then doesn't turn up when expected, go out. Don't wait for her. She doesn't like abiding by times? Then neither do you. If she sends you links about houses asking for advice, respond with a 'it's up to you Mum'. Live your life like she doesn't exist then she'll have to fit in if she wants to.

To answer some questions:

Her own mother wasn't reliable at all. She was neglected physically, mentally and emotionally by her. My grandmother is one of the most selfish women I've ever met. Her father tried to make up for this but worked 2 jobs so it was impossible until she was older and he retired.

Sorry you're dealing with this too @autumnbake do you think you'd find it easier if he was consistently crap? This is what I feel like sometimes.

I have erected some boundaries in recent years. She knows not to come to my house if she arrives after dinner time because it unsettles the dynamic. She has to stay elsewhere. I don't tell the children when she's visiting either. I've asked her not to promise anything at all to the children but this is a work in progress.

She always has a pathetic excuse for being late. I always respond with the same answer: why couldn't you leave earlier?

We've definitely calmed down on the royal reception and I think sometimes she thinks she should be more joyfully welcomed but you get what you give at the end of the day.

With gifts/birthdays she can't organise herself at all. Even on my son's birthday she was late to his party because she had to get his presents that day when she was supposed to be helping me in the kitchen 🤦‍♀️. My card arrived 2 days late this year afer she had left. She gets worse as she gets older with timings and organisation.

She stayed over to help me with the children one school morning recently and by the time she got up, I'd got myself ready, the kids ready, breakfast and packed lunches then she said I hadn't left her anything to do 😬. I already knew not to rely on her.

The holiday thing has hurt me though.
She knew I needed a childfree break.

Drop the rope here entirely. She is furthermore now involving your kids in her dysfunction. I would also consider seeing a therapist, preferably BACP registered.

I personally believe she desperately wants to be as selfless and giving as my grandfather was, but she's fundamentally just like my grandmother. Hence the hot/cold behaviour.

I do see a therapist. Have done since my divorce 3 years ago and have spoken about it with my therapist. It's a work in progress,.I'm getting there with the boundaries, but sometimes, although not as often, I still end up feeling hurt.

It could be that her job is so all consuming she struggles to make the headspace for everything else that needs planning, like visiting at a certain time AND buying presents in time is too overwhelming when she's been rushed off her feet all week.
Or is there a possibility that her partner is a bit controlling and is sabotaging her visits by making her late, or putting pressure on her to change plans do you think?

It's definitely not her partner I don't think. He's pretty easy going and likes his own space. She's always been unreliable.

I'm sure she does struggle with being organised at home AND at work.

I would take a step back and distance a little. Speak to her and see her on your terms - not when it’s convenient to her.

I have a low tolerance for people who pick me up and put me down. Now I’m older I don’t accept it or allow it as I realised it was affecting my mood.

My grandma was like this. Always late, inconsistent, blowing hot and cold, and would constantly make promises she couldn’t, and had no intention of keeping. She had a somewhat crappy childhood, but when she had her own family it was IMO purely to keep up appearances of respectability rather than genuine desire to be a parent. Same with her promises to take her grandkids out. Never happened, but she liked the praise she got from others for being involved with her family - these promises were usually made within earshot of people outside the immediate family who didn’t know what she was like.

Grandma was also an alcoholic, and would disappear without explanation when we had gone to visit. Things came to a head for me when I was about 9 - she had kept promising me she’d take me to Canada to visit her friend and got me so worked up about it, I was found packing my bags ready to go. My DM had to sit me down and explain that grandma has always made these promises and never delivered, and never would. We have to take everything she said with a massive pinch of salt, and not rely on her for anything. From then on I saw her as an unreliable eccentric to be kept at arms length so as not to keep being let down and hurt by her.

in short, we cannot change people who are like this and unfortunately the only thing you can do is to accept this and protect yourself with firm boundaries (sounds like you are making good progress with not allowing her in late at night and disrupting bedtimes). Sorry you are dealing with this, it sucks.

That sounds really tough that she let you down so much.
I will perhaps sit down with my children and say the same thing.
My mum isn't an alcoholic I don't think but she does excuse herself to go off and vape a lot.