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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to let money owed by ex go?

11 replies

needahandholdpls · 21/09/2024 08:21

I’ll try and keep this brief…

A week ago I split with my boyfriend as I discovered messages on his phone indicating his ex had been in contact with him and had been at his house. This had been a concern for me throughout our relationship and he told me she was blocked and they hadn’t spoken at all, he had lied a number of times.

I confronted him and left his house. He messaged me after with a pitiful excuse, claimed nothing had happened with the two of them, expressed how sorry he was to have hurt me by lying and how much he enjoys being with me. I didn’t reply. This was a week ago.

During this time and space I have recognised that whilst I feel some sadness, I don’t miss being with him. The relationship was pretty much centred around his needs and he would often subtly put me down or behave in ways that would drive up my anxiety. I feel much calmer since not having to deal with him.

A couple of days before this all happened we booked a pre Christmas trip away together. I put it on my credit card and he was going to pay me back on the night we saw each other, but clearly didn’t happen as it all kicked off.

Flights cannot be cancelled and transferring to another date will likely cost little less than the original flight costs.

Trip cost circa £200 each. I’m happy to let this go in order to maintain my peace and not have to speak to him. My Mum feels strongly I should message him a direct message asking for him to send me his half of the trip cost and then not contact him again.

AIBU to want to let this money go, and see it as payment to keep my peace?

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 21/09/2024 08:23

I mean if it was thousands I'd be blowing up his phone but for £200 and my own peace? I'd leave it 100%. Go by yourself or take a mate if you can change the name on the booking and have a lovely chilled time away

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/09/2024 08:25

I'd let that go and enjoy the peace.

DrummingMousWife · 21/09/2024 08:25

I’d write it off and move on. It’s just another thing for him to use to hurt you and keep in touch.
£200 to be free of a scrum bag is actually really cheap!!!

marriednotdead · 21/09/2024 08:26

Could you change the name on the booking and take a friend or sister instead? I agree that your peace is worth the money. Unless there’s a back story with you and money issues, it’s not right for your mum to insist.

needahandholdpls · 21/09/2024 08:28

Good to see I'm not alone in thinking this...

I think My Mum is annoyed at him because he knows my financial situation is a little tight (single Mum paying for childcare for 2 children, keeping a roof over our heads etc) and she feels if he was decent he would have reached out to offer the money without my asking, but I don't expect this from him.

He was very tight by nature anyway and it's a lesson learnt not to book things for people without getting the money upfront.

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/09/2024 08:29

How much would it cost to change the name on the ticket? Go with a friend? Or your mum since she feels that strongly about it.

needahandholdpls · 21/09/2024 08:29

@marriednotdead the trip is very close to Christmas so most of my friends, who nearly all have young children, wouldn't be able to come. But I have asked my best friend if she would like to come, she's going to try and sort out leave at work and hopefully join me. She's in the process of buying a house so I'm not sure if I could ask her to pay for the trip, but she would likely offer something if she could.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 21/09/2024 08:30

Have you got a friend or even your mum who could go with you to save wasting the trip?

I agree with PP I’d write off the £200 and see it as the price to get rid of this loser from your life.

needahandholdpls · 21/09/2024 08:30

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale would happily take my Mum and did suggest this, but she needs to be here to help with my children when their Dad brings them home. (Ex-DH is inflexible and wouldn't have them for an extra day even if I asked)

OP posts:
Nottactile · 21/09/2024 08:32

I would go solo. Enjoy your trip.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/09/2024 08:33

I think you’re doing the right thing - just try to use the tickets if you can but essentially write it off. You just know he wouldn’t give you the money!

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