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Original poster

Is it over if you argue daily?

22 replies

Coz97 · 21/09/2024 08:05

So since having a baby, our relationship has been struggling. We argue most days, about anything and everything. Our baby is 7 months old and it's getting worse, not better. The thing is when things are food, they're good. The sex is really really good. But I can't ignore the fact that our relationship is strained. I don't know how to fix it either. Maybe part of the problem is we don't get much quality time together. When we have dates just the two of us we usually have a really good time. Is it such stress and the sudden big change to our lives that's making us argue so much or is it just not working out? I simply don't know anymore. I love him a lot and I know he loves me. But I can't keep arguing almost every day, it's exhausting.

OP posts:
Dery · 21/09/2024 08:33

The first year with a baby can be very hard on a relationship, even a good one. You’re probably both very tired and it’s a huge adjustment so you take your tiredness and irritation out on each other.

It sounds like there’s a lot of good stuff between you. Can you try and cut each other a bit of slack? Are you both pulling your weight with your baby?

Your partner can’t breastfeed but he can do everything else but IME, when babies are really young, men seem to need more guidance about what to do or they do a thing which really doesn’t need doing in that moment while other things are more pressing (I remember pointing out to DH that when we were juggling the girls’ breakfast routine, we did not need - in that moment - to get the washing up done). Is this the kind of thing that’s happening? If so, maybe you and he could sit down together and plan how to share out all that needs to be done. Even if you’re at home and he’s working outside the home (which may or may not be the case), he should be sharing the parenting load as soon as he is home. That’s what working parents do.

The first year of your first baby is a very steep learning curve. Remember you loved each other enough to decide to start a family and you owe it to yourselves and your baby to cut each other some slack and nurture the relationship also.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 21/09/2024 08:37

Coz97 · 21/09/2024 08:05

So since having a baby, our relationship has been struggling. We argue most days, about anything and everything. Our baby is 7 months old and it's getting worse, not better. The thing is when things are food, they're good. The sex is really really good. But I can't ignore the fact that our relationship is strained. I don't know how to fix it either. Maybe part of the problem is we don't get much quality time together. When we have dates just the two of us we usually have a really good time. Is it such stress and the sudden big change to our lives that's making us argue so much or is it just not working out? I simply don't know anymore. I love him a lot and I know he loves me. But I can't keep arguing almost every day, it's exhausting.

I think if the sex is good and you have a good time when you get some space together then all is not lost.

Could you talk about it and agree to be kind and nurturing towards your relationship?

Think of it as a plant that you need to tend to?

Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 08:49

Dery · 21/09/2024 08:33

The first year with a baby can be very hard on a relationship, even a good one. You’re probably both very tired and it’s a huge adjustment so you take your tiredness and irritation out on each other.

It sounds like there’s a lot of good stuff between you. Can you try and cut each other a bit of slack? Are you both pulling your weight with your baby?

Your partner can’t breastfeed but he can do everything else but IME, when babies are really young, men seem to need more guidance about what to do or they do a thing which really doesn’t need doing in that moment while other things are more pressing (I remember pointing out to DH that when we were juggling the girls’ breakfast routine, we did not need - in that moment - to get the washing up done). Is this the kind of thing that’s happening? If so, maybe you and he could sit down together and plan how to share out all that needs to be done. Even if you’re at home and he’s working outside the home (which may or may not be the case), he should be sharing the parenting load as soon as he is home. That’s what working parents do.

The first year of your first baby is a very steep learning curve. Remember you loved each other enough to decide to start a family and you owe it to yourselves and your baby to cut each other some slack and nurture the relationship also.

Edited

I think you're right in the sense we are both tired and quite overwhelmed. I work part time and he looks after our baby while I'm at work. We don't get that much time together every day. I guess I've started to resent him because he still has his hobbies (which he spends a few hours a week doing) whereas I don't have any. I'm thinking about joining some classes and getting out more. Mind you, this will also lead to less time together, but it's not fair if he has hobbies and I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 08:50

BumpyaDaisyevna · 21/09/2024 08:37

I think if the sex is good and you have a good time when you get some space together then all is not lost.

Could you talk about it and agree to be kind and nurturing towards your relationship?

Think of it as a plant that you need to tend to?

Show quote history

Thanks. I keep going back and forth as to whether we can work out our issues. I'm going to have a long chat with him later as we have a couple of hours to ourselves.

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 21/09/2024 08:51

My friend's mum (now in her 70s) says it should be part of the marriage contract that you're not allowed to separate in the first year after a baby is born.

Give it time.

Grant yourself and your partner more grace. You are both struggling with the transition.

When the baby is a little older, make sure you get time alone without them regularly. This is an investment worth far more than a new car, a new house etc. Pay the babysitter and protect your child's family.

LostittoBostik · 21/09/2024 08:53

Also you say you can't keep arguing. I totally get how hard it is to follow this advice, but if you feel this way simply do not argue. Be the one to make the change/

Take a breath and walk away. Say calmly "I do not want relationship to become nothing but arguments, I'm going for a walk/a shower/ to see a friend/to take the baby out and we'll talk about this another time when we are both calmer"

Also whenever you really want to shout at them (justifiably I'm sure), instead of saying anything just write a note about the problem, put it aside, come back to it the next day or later in the week and if it still seems like something you need to discuss then sit them down to talk about the issue calmly, without conflict.

LostittoBostik · 21/09/2024 08:54

And yes to the hobbies: you need alone time just as much as him. You will feel more connected to him when you also feel that you are an independent person

Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 09:09

LostittoBostik · 21/09/2024 08:53

Also you say you can't keep arguing. I totally get how hard it is to follow this advice, but if you feel this way simply do not argue. Be the one to make the change/

Take a breath and walk away. Say calmly "I do not want relationship to become nothing but arguments, I'm going for a walk/a shower/ to see a friend/to take the baby out and we'll talk about this another time when we are both calmer"

Also whenever you really want to shout at them (justifiably I'm sure), instead of saying anything just write a note about the problem, put it aside, come back to it the next day or later in the week and if it still seems like something you need to discuss then sit them down to talk about the issue calmly, without conflict.

I think part of the problem is both of us are terrible at communicating. And when we argue, we tend to let it get too heated instead of deciding to walk away. It feels like there's so much tension between us recently.

OP posts:
dudsville · 21/09/2024 09:17

I'd give it longer than 7 months to decide. This is quite a unique time in the life of your family and it's hard to judge clearly in the circumstances. But fwiw, when my ex and I got to arguing daily I just one day decided to stop participating in the arguing. I didn't tell him, I just stopped. I wanted to see if he could meet me half way. He couldn't. We didn't have kids, but we were married, and I gave that relationship a fair chance and plenty of time to try to right itself before ending it.

Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 09:23

dudsville · 21/09/2024 09:17

I'd give it longer than 7 months to decide. This is quite a unique time in the life of your family and it's hard to judge clearly in the circumstances. But fwiw, when my ex and I got to arguing daily I just one day decided to stop participating in the arguing. I didn't tell him, I just stopped. I wanted to see if he could meet me half way. He couldn't. We didn't have kids, but we were married, and I gave that relationship a fair chance and plenty of time to try to right itself before ending it.

The problem is if I simply decided to stop arguing that would mean keeping my feelings to myself all the time and never speaking out when something annoys me or bothers me half the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 09:25

Part of me wants our relationship to go back to how it was. I know it can't since everything has changed and our priorities have changed. But I feel like I'm mourning the "old us" while he seems fine.

OP posts:
dudsville · 21/09/2024 09:34

Well for me the stopping arguing was about stopping a form of interaction that wasn't communicating, wasn't fruitful, wasn't solution focused or about working together on a problem. I found the arguments didn't lead to the end of arguing, so I expressed thoughts and feelings calmly outside of him arguing. I didn't stop expressing myself, I agree that's fundamental.

Crushed23 · 21/09/2024 09:36

What are you arguing about on a daily basis? Petty stuff?

How old are you both?

No relationship stays the same or as good as the early days. We had one fantastic year followed by 18 months of disappointment before we finally ended things. No kids involved though.

Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 09:39

Crushed23 · 21/09/2024 09:36

What are you arguing about on a daily basis? Petty stuff?

How old are you both?

No relationship stays the same or as good as the early days. We had one fantastic year followed by 18 months of disappointment before we finally ended things. No kids involved though.

Sometimes petty stuff likes chores. I complain he didn't do something, he complains I didn't do something. We both use the same excuse: we're tired. Some arguments are about our lack of quality time together, feeling like he's choosing his hobbies over extra time with me etc. I don't even know who is in the right and who is in the wrong most of the time.

27 and 28.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 21/09/2024 09:43

Okay you're both very young, very tired and very new to parenting.

I wouldn't throw in the towel, if I were you. It's only been 7 months.

Reassess in 6-12 months perhaps. And take some time for yourself - do you have any hobbies you'd like to spend time on?

Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 09:46

Crushed23 · 21/09/2024 09:43

Okay you're both very young, very tired and very new to parenting.

I wouldn't throw in the towel, if I were you. It's only been 7 months.

Reassess in 6-12 months perhaps. And take some time for yourself - do you have any hobbies you'd like to spend time on?

Yes, I want to start going to the gym and focusing on myself more. I feel like I'm far too attached to him at the moment and maybe need something for myself.

OP posts:
NormaNormalPants · 21/09/2024 09:47

I saw your thread title and clicked in to say I bloody hope not as DH & I bicker a lot these days, but we do have a nearly 2yo and I’m pregnant with our second. It’s tough when you’re both tired and resentful. Having a baby is a huge adjustment, the way I look at is even on a bad day there’s still no one I’d rather be dealing with this chaos with than DH.

Original poster
Coz97 · 21/09/2024 09:57

NormaNormalPants · 21/09/2024 09:47

I saw your thread title and clicked in to say I bloody hope not as DH & I bicker a lot these days, but we do have a nearly 2yo and I’m pregnant with our second. It’s tough when you’re both tired and resentful. Having a baby is a huge adjustment, the way I look at is even on a bad day there’s still no one I’d rather be dealing with this chaos with than DH.

Ah its kind of reassuring to know it's not just me going through this. It's just so hard when I compare it to the days before when it felt like we were so loved up and spent so much time together.

OP posts:
PennyNotWise · 21/09/2024 10:02

LostittoBostik · 21/09/2024 08:51

My friend's mum (now in her 70s) says it should be part of the marriage contract that you're not allowed to separate in the first year after a baby is born.

Give it time.

Grant yourself and your partner more grace. You are both struggling with the transition.

When the baby is a little older, make sure you get time alone without them regularly. This is an investment worth far more than a new car, a new house etc. Pay the babysitter and protect your child's family.

Yes. This is the most wise thing I’ve ever read on mumsnet.

NormaNormalPants · 21/09/2024 10:17

Coz97 · 21/09/2024 09:57

Ah its kind of reassuring to know it's not just me going through this. It's just so hard when I compare it to the days before when it felt like we were so loved up and spent so much time together.

Show quote history

I promise it’s not just you at all. I could count on one hand the amount of arguments DH & I had pre-DD and we were together years before she arrived so way past the honeymoon period! We had a wonderfully easy relationship, both independent so plenty of time for our own interests and yet undivided attention for each other when we were doing things together. These days we tend to sit silently on our phones in any moment we do get as the day to day stuff is so relentless.

It does get better though, once you’re out of the initial fog and they start having a consistent bedtime/sleeping through the night we were able to start finding time for us. And being out doing things as a little family at the weekends is one of my favourite things in the world now DD is mobile and chatty (accept for when she decides her bones are jelly and she can’t possibly walk by herself but doesn’t want to be carried either 🤦🏽‍♀️) hang on in there xx

zaxxon · 21/09/2024 10:56

I sympathise, it's so, so tough in this stage.

I think you're right that you need to find stuff to do for yourself, and have free time that you can spend recovering or with friends. Having a life outside the house is really important.

But also, you should try to let go of the whole thing of who's right and who's wrong. It only leads to bad places. Actually you're in the trenches together.

What would happen if, instead of competing over who's the more tired and who's had it worse today, you took the stance: yes DP, this sucks, we're both so exhausted, it's so frustrating, but at least we're in it together?

BenHolland · 21/09/2024 11:45

First year was tough on our relationship. Lots of bickering. All forgotten now…not that helps when you are in the thick of it! Babies are crazy. Good luck!

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