Tell me your happy divorce stories

[leftorrightnow]

Just that.

I’m seriously contemplating divorce and just need some positive stories.
How did you do it and it worked out? What did you do that made it better? How did you get the courage to leave?

DH and I are married for 13 years. Two DC’s 8 and 10.

we are just so different. Have been from the start. I feel we have no connection. We fight a lot. We are in couples therapy but I don’t feel it’s helping a lot. We really just don’t understand each other.

He has very different values to me, we disagree on so many basic things and just can’t get on. He’s a good dad, does his fair share with the kids and the house but his income is unstable and he drinks on weekends and then gets grumpy.

if I could go back in time and never had met him (but somehow magically still have my exact same wonderful DC’s of course) I would.

feel I should have left him so long ago but can’t muster the courage and can’t face the children’s upset, it’s mainly that actually. Just don’t think I can do it.

Ive threatened divorce so many times and he says he will then leave right away and then when he says that I panic and say I don’t mean it.

I feel I’m just too weak to leave and like my children will blame me as that I won’t be able to manage as a single mum.

I feel like I hate him some days, really hate him. I know this isn’t how you’re supposed to feel in a marriage, but I also feel so trapped and like I can’t leave.

I ended it when I saw the effect he was having on DD. Your DH is not a good dad from the way you describe him. He’s setting a terrible example for your DC of what a man is, what a relationship is.

If it’s hard to end it for yourself, do it for the children. Yes, they will be upset. But they won’t be as badly affected as they would be if you stayed.

Well they really love him. He cooks dinner every night and does all shopping and cleaning, most drop offs and pick ups, plays with them, draws with them. Helps w homework. He does more at home with me as I work slightly more.

But he also is grumpy and drinks on weekends evenings. And we fight.

the good and the bad is true at the same time.

I told my husband I wanted to separate over a month ago after 20 years together and 16 married. Our DC’s slightly older. He moved out pretty quickly, set up his house, I’m still in the family home but pay all bills myself.

It was like I could breathe again after he moved out. Calmer, less stressed, less irritable. But it’s not been easy, navigating this new awkwardness between us when we see each other to pick up/drop off kids. I expected us to be friendly as it didn’t end on bad terms, but where I’d been thinking about ending things for months I had essentially smashed him round the head with a baseball bat telling him I wanted to separate so he needs time to process everything.

I’ve had to take a step back, leave him to figure out his new life and it’s been hard as we were friends at the least. But do I regret my decision? No, I feel more myself and know I made the right decision. We’ve still got finances to sort but that will come in time when we’re both ready to talk about that.

good luck in whatever you choose to do

Different values were insurmountable for me and we both got more and more unhappy .
We should have made the break earlier . In the end it was sudden and shocking .
It took the children and I a while to get settled . We had to move etc . We are now a happy little family .
BUT I was instantly calmer once he’d gone and my only regret is that we didn’t make the break sooner .

My ex-h is a way better father to our kids and (parenting) partner to me since I ended our relationship 18 months ago. I should have left 10 years earlier, but we are where we are.
I had initially had a crazy notion we would be friends (as we had been before we got together) but I still hadn't fully processed how awfully he had treated me. I don't want to be his friend now; he's an abusive person; but we are cordial and cooperative. We have family meals out for the kids' birthdays and I will cook for him again this Christmas.
I'm gaining confidence and the kids are happy.

Would you want your children to get into & stay in a marriage like the one you have?
If not you have show them that they shouldn't accept this level of disconnect and unhappiness.
They will still see him, he will still be their dad.
Life is too long to be stuck with someone you resent, it's not fair on any of you.

How did I get the courage - I waited a couple of years until I was adamant that it was what I wanted. Had tested the water previously by asking him to leave for a weekend for some space & found that wasn’t the right time, I missed him & still wanted to try to make it work.

I made a list on my phone of what I wanted my life to look like - where I would live, how I wanted to feel, how I would spend my time.

After the decision we lived together for one month to get the kids used to the idea without an abrupt leaving, I found a house to rent & took the children to visit it, went shopping for things for the house so they had input into how it would look.

Moved, had children 50/50 - that first week I left they were with me, kept their routines the same in terms of things we’d usually have for dinner, bed times etc but the house was peaceful/lighter and happier somehow, even though we hadn’t been arguing when together in earshot of kids. It probably felt like a holiday for them/not real yet.

The first week they went to their dads I cried after they’d gone, I missed them so much. I booked into therapy & I did things I couldn’t do when I was with him - played music in the morning, went to bed early rather than feeling obligated to stay up & watch shit TV because he couldn’t be alone.

My life now is completely different, I am genuinely happy & although none of my family knew how unhappy I was, they’ve all noticed & commented on how happy I seem now & how different I am. My children have said I seem more confident.

I never talk badly of their Dad & the kids have adjusted to 50/50 really well. I still miss them but it gets easier with time. When they’re not with me I do whatever I like, sometimes that’s doing nothing at all.

I keep a list of my phone still of all the ways my life looks different now, it’s not always the big things - it’s lots of tiny things that make me a thousand times happier now than I was.

Thanks for all your messages, so helpful! I still feel somehow frozen in this situation.

my Main worry is that the kids will miss him too much. I’m also worried that he will have to leave the country as he’s not from here and although there are no visa issues, he doesn’t have a stable income so many not be able to make ends meet if he was to live by himself. I know that it’s NOT my responsibility to support him or how he would manage on his own, but is feel
so horribly guilty of the kids ended up not seeing him at all.

im also worried about his reaction - he doesn’t want to divorce and is adamant we shouldn’t. Yes he is not making enough effort to make things work out. I’m so upset - if he wants to stay why isn’t he making more effort? He says he is and that I just can’t see it.

his parents divorced and had a terrible divorce, his dad moved to a different country and he rarely saw him growing up. I think he is traumatized by that and things if we divorce it will be just as bad. I keep saying to him we decide how out break up
would be but he is adamant that no divorce can be good and that we must stay together.

Also his parents are both poor and more or less mentally unstable, living in different countries far away. He has no family here. Basically DC’ and I and my family is all he has. I think he can’t see how he can manage without us. I’m worried he’d spiral if we split up.

I KNOW you will all
say that’s not my responsibility and I know it isn’t. But he is the father of my kids and I still care for him, despite his shortcomings.

ive threatened divorce so many times and he says he will then leave right away and then when he says that I panic and say I don’t mean it.

Firstly you're not being fair to him

Only speak about divorce if you mean it

Secondly, he doesn't seem very bothered if his first reaction to a divorce is to up and leave

Sounds like he wants to escape too

I'd sort the subject in couples therapy (ie you both want to split) and start the legal ball rolling

Yea you are right I know that’s wrong of me. But when we did broach the topic in therapy he was adamant he doesn’t want to divorce

Maybe I will raise it again in therapy. But only if I’m 100 pct sure as @Bestyearever2024 says

Being clear in your own mind what you want (maybe counselling for just you for a while) will really help

i finally left because I didn’t want our relationship to be the model that dd grew up with. As it turned out she saw me leave another bad relationship but then live on our own for a long time, completely independent, until I met my now partner and she sees us in a loving and mutually respectful relationship, with fights that we then figure out and apologise when we have behaved badly towards each other. I feel these two models (happy single and happy marriage) are much better for her to witness than the miserable relationship I had with her dad. I would not have wanted that for her, or her to think that ours was a good way to love.

He and I also manage to have a reasonable co-parenting relationship now, which is another good model for her.

Only you know whether this is relevant to your situation, but it might be something to think about.

There's a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum which deals with relationship ambivalence.

If you are scared of leaving, talking to a solicitor can help, this way you start to understand your options more clearly. Try talking to friends who are divorced too.

Ultimately I don't think you can predict if divorce is the right solution, in most cases it's just so incredibly complex. For me, after 17 years in marriage, I just knew I couldn't carry on like this, for me it was unbearable and I felt like I was dying. Divorce was stressful and the aftermath horrific, and for a long time I thought that I would remain single for the rest of my life, but then 4 years after divorce I am with a man who I adore and want to grow old with, and I am happier than I could have ever imagined.