Am I being abused?

[Boggl]

Hi everyone, I really need some advice as I am certain I am being emotionally abused in my 10 month relationship but as you can appreciate, when you are in this sort of situation it can be really confusing.

relationship started off amazing, we had a genuine connection on ALL levels, really got on, he impressed me with how hard he works, his morals, how well he looks after me, supportive, caring, funny…you get the jist. All the good stuff.

However slowly over time I have noticed some huge red flags and I know when people read this they are going to jump on me straight away and say why have you not left immediately.

he is very funny about what I wear if I wear tight trousers or leggings or have a little bit of cleavage showing he will tell me how unhappy he is about this and it’s not giving off a good impression and that he believes only he should see certain parts of my body and not other men.
i can’t even nip out of the house to my car in a pair of shorts, he will go and get whatever it is I need for me. I have said to him so many times that I will wear whatever I like and I laugh it off and he then says I’m not trying to tell you what you can and can’t wear I’d never do that. But he effectively he is telling me what I can and can’t wear?

He is VERY needy, he would spend every minute of every day with me but I like my own space and I’m very independent, I have lots of friends I like to go and see and catch up with and he hates it and will go in moods if I want to stay at my own house for a couple of days and does this ‘poor me’ act and tells me how he feels alone.

I like to have a laugh and a joke and I don’t take myself too seriously and most of the time he will shake his head at me and tell me I’m acting like a ‘lad’ with my ‘banter’ and that I need to come across as more of a lady.

if he has a male friend round and I am there he will txt me while they are there saying to watch what I talk about and not to over share so much ( I don’t do this) or he’ll txt and tell me to go change my clothes, by the way I wear normal every day clothes nothing out of the ordinary or wild!

he goes through phases of been normal and when he’s like that he is amazing and I love being around him but more recently I think he’s noticed I’m getting abit fed up and wise to his controlling behaviour which has resulted in me withdrawing a little bit which has then resulted in him saying I’m unsupportive, im cold, I don’t comfort him when he’s feeling down and he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and that he deserves more. Whenever I go to him with concerns in our relationship he has a very clever way of turning it around and making me feel like I’m making issues out of nothing and I know I’m not and I know this is not normal behaviour.

I feel so confused I keep thinking I need to end this now and then I’ll go back to but maybe we can talk through this but how can we when he doesn’t hear what I’m saying and makes it all about him.

please be kind with your responses. Thanks

The relationship starting off amazing was the first warning sign. Then the 'suggestion' you might want to dress differently. The neediness, sulking, telling you to monitor yourself.

The niceness comes back to draw you back in. This isn't real it's an illusion, the possessive, misogynistic, needy persona is who your boyfriend really is.

The more committed this relationship gets the bigger sense of ownership this man will feel. You will see less of the nice nice guy. More sulking, likely anger. It will be your fault never his. You will be faced with a choice continue to disappoint/anger him or make yourself smaller to fit in with his image of what you should be like. When you obey him you will be rewarded with nice boyfriend, but not for long there will be more hoops to jump through.

You don't need this there are many nice guys out there who don't need to make their girlfriend subservient to feel like a man.

He is controlling what you look like, what you wear, what you say, your attitude towards him, what you do, where you go, how you are allowed to talk to his friends, who you see, your friends, your opinions, everything. He's not your dad, he's not your boss, and he's not your jailer.

This is 100% abuse, and he is managing to do it when you are not even living together, so imagine what it would be like if you were?

You are not his property. There is no reason for you to be confused about this. You are a fully-fledged adult and you are allowed to do, wear, think, behave and say whatever you want, when you want to. Heck, you can even go out on your own!

Don't put up with this shit a second longer. Dump the bastard.

LTB as safely as you can.
Be very clear and not in person. Don’t try to be friends. Complete block no contact.
He will escalate.

There's no hope here. He's insanely posessive, which is always a red flag for abuse. There is coercive control, which is definitely abusive and will only get worse with time. He a also has incredibly sexist attitudes, doesn't respect you and doesn't listen.
Dump this twat forthwith.

B.I.N.G.O!

+1

Please @Boggl listen to what everyone is telling you on here, there is lots of good advice and we want you to be you. Not his twisted version of you, but the real you. Make the break, because otherwise you will become a shadow of your former self, and lose all sense of your own self-worth.

People have been in this situation before you, and can see all to clearly what is happening. Don't let him destroy you.

Thankyou everyone your responses have been amazing!! You have confirmed what I knew deep down and what I need to do 💕

A few people said about not knowing mine and his ages. I am 31 he is 35.