How much effort should I make with my partner's odious relative?

[DenimBeaker]

My partner and I have an infant baby, and his brother has repeatedly been pretty odious towards me behind my back (not to my face as yet). Our newborn baby became very ill, spending weeks and weeks in hospital. We were both in intensive care with him, his brother called and instead of sympathising I heard him start bossing my partner about and kind-of criticising us: "tell YOUR girlfriend she needs to do THIS..." it really pissed me off at the time with what we were going through... it was uncalled for. For some reason he refuses to use my name and even my son's name when talking to my partner. When we were all out of hospital he kept ordering my partner to invite him and his wife round for dinner... I wasn't up to cooking a dinner for them, but said they could just pop by whenever for a cup of tea and see the baby. He came twice with gifts. I swapped numbers with him so I could text him pics of our baby and try to get on friendlier terms. He would reply but not really engage much... but he's still being a jerk behind my back. He lives quite far away from us and invited us over. We said it was too far to travel there and back with the baby, but could we meet halfway or they could come to us? He declined and my partner's phone was pinging for the rest of the night with him berating us for not wanting to travel to his house.

Last night, my partner asked him to do more to help with their very ill mother (he doesn't work, but still calls my partner to go and help her as he lives further away. Funny the distance is an issue for him to help his mum but not for us to take our baby to his house). He got heated and put the phone down on my partner. I said something about the argument but didn't realise my partner was calling him back, so he could hear me talking in the background. He yelled about 3 times "tell YOUR girlfriend to wind her neck in"! Then he phoned later and berated me even more - this time bringing up he was angry we didn't go to his house that time! My partner said well you don't come here either, and he complained that he hadn't received a "formal" invitation 🤣

Sorry for being long-winded - how much time of day do I need to give this horrible little man going forward? He may not even realise I know he's awful as he does it behind my back, but he is a real stirrer and seems to want to control everything. I know he'll want us to visit him on Boxing Day and I'd rather not... although I wouldn't cut him out of my son's life of course.

You're right, he's vile.

Why do you want to keep him in your sons life? What does he bring?

And how do you know he's talking about you behind your back? Whoever told you is a shit stirrer. I suggest next time they pass something on you quickly reply "I'm not interested in his thoughts about me I don't want anything to do with him."

Life is too short to put up with arseholes. I'd make zero effort with him including involving him in my son's life.

How much time? None.

Op, come on now. You really shouldn't need a bunch of randoms to tell you to block this idiot and pretend like he never existed. You should be telling your partner that he can communicate and visit him, but you will not be, under any circumstances.

Just leave him to dh. Never contact him again. But tbh how many men really want baby pics and updates? Nephew or not he doesn't care..
Save your effort for the nicer of the dbs that you got!!

the answer is, of course: none. You don't have to do anything to facilitate his relationship with your child either.

I hear him on the phone - when we were in the hospital my partner and I were in a room resting that the nurses had given us (we were shattered, truly we almost lost our son the night before after a hospital procedure went wrong and had been up the whole night). My partner said we've been told to rest but it's hard leaving him, that's when he was like "tell your girlfriend one of you needs to go back in while the other is resting!" It was really nasty and cold, and I was right there in the room.

As to why I want him around - I don't, only for my partner's sake as it's his brother and he loves him. I bought the creep a birthday card and present and wrote my son's name on it this week before his latest temper tantrum!

Why would you be expected to cook for him?

How do you know what he's saying behind your back?

Why doesn't your partner shut him down?

Zero. I don't do wife work for anyone anyway but in this case? Stop being a mug.

Exactly... especially with a newborn. He's weird. My partner does shut him down but I think he also worries about upsetting him and especially their elderly mum.

I know because I've been in the same room and hear him on the phone.

you have a DH problem I’m sorry. You need a marriage therapist. Your partner should have put him in his place when he made such outrageous comments about you. Drop the rope. D(?)H can see his brother but you and dc need to drop the rope. And no more wife work!

Tell your partner that you don't want to hear anything else he's said. That he's welcome to see him but you're no longer interested and that he should have your back.

Neither do I... we told them just to pop in for a cup of tea rather than waiting for a dinner invite

You and your baby are your partner’s closest family now, and therefore the priority. So you give this vile brother no effort. Your partner needs to be on the same page.

Cards and presents?

Ah I see, I thought that was just a nice gesture rather than 'wife work'. My partner bought him a gift as well. But I won't be doing it again!

Well, everyone is telling you to cut him out of your son's life but you can't - he's your partner's brother.

You don't need to do anything to actively facilitate the relationship obviously - that is your partner's job.

I would say that, given that he has been quite rude but hasn't actively abused you, you might agree to a very minimal level of interaction with him at large events organised by your husband and the rest of his family - maybe you would attend one annual Xmas meal which he is also at.

Beyond that, fine for you to let your partner and child go alone on visits to uncle - you can take the opportunity for some down time, or a catch up with friends. Likewise if your husband wants his brother over, that's a chance for you to go and stay with your family, or go for a spa break with a friend, or whatever. Give them some quality fraternal bonding time!

You don't need to be texting this man yourself, or travelling to see him, or cooking for him.

Just be coolly polite on the rare occasions you need to see him for big family events.

To be fair, my husband and I haven't even fallen out with each others' families, but we don't do more than this. Apart from quick pop rounds to drop stuff off, we see each others' family every other Xmas (we alternate between them). I have nothing against his family, nor he mine, but time is precious - it's hard enough for us both to find time even to spend with the people we really love! Let alone some people we only happen to be connected to through marriage.....

💯

No way should you clear out while the brother stays. I doubt you could trust him not to piss on your toothbrushes. Plus, who knows what lies and nasty comments he'd be feeding DH and DC while you were away. He sounds jealous and controlling. Go to the occasional family meet up, if the PIL are there, and be civil. Nothing more.

Respectfully, I don't agree. If she pursues this route she is controlling her partner's right to interact with his own brother.....

He might say stuff about her - but she needs to trust her husband to disregard his comments. It's not ok to prevent our partners from interacting with people, just in case those people decided to say mean stuff about us.....

As for the pissing on the tooth brushes, there is no evidence he would do this kind of thing. He's not very nice, sure, but he hasn't done anything full on mental and abusive like this .....

Just let them dp and his brother get on with their relationship and stay out of it. It doesn't sound like he'll be coming over every weekend......

Thanks everybody for your inputs. I wouldn't want to stop DP seeing his brother or any of his family - he does a lot for his mum and has a full-on job which means I don't get much of a break from looking after our baby, but it's his mum and I support him helping her out. I do quite a lot for their mum as well (DP pointed this out to his brother last night and he didn't say anything about that). I wouldn't mind him and his brother going out or him coming over and me going out... but I wouldn't want DP taking our baby long-distance to see him right now as DC wouldn't cope well with that, especially without me there. He doesn't like being cooped up in his car seat for long periods. Maybe in future when he's a little older.

DP's brother's wife, however, does put limits on how much he can see his family and how far they will travel etc. I just figure since neither of them work and they're both adults, my baby son's comfort right now is more important than them not wanting to drive to meet us halfway.

Also to add - I don't even drive DC to my family's houses either right now for the same reason, but they are more supportive and come over to help me here or to all go out somewhere.

@DenimBeaker

You certainly can and should cut him out of your life. There is nothing you need or want from him and nothing he deserves from you. I'd block him and go NC. Say nothing to him, just do it. Trying to explain why you're 'NCing' someone is an exercise in futility and ends up in diatribes. Don't bother. And he probably won't care anyway.

What your partner decides to do is up to him, you have no more right to demand he go NC than he has the right to demand you stay in contact. But the two of you need to have a calm discussion about it. Tell him without 'emotion' that you are going NC with his brother, that you will not visit his house (and that includes holidays and 'occasions') nor do you want him in your house when you are present.

Tell him that it is up to him to decide what he wants to do for himself, that you will not interfere if he wants to have a relationship with his brother, but that you will not facilitate it in any way. See what your DP has to say. He may agree and want NC himself. He may want to continue his relationship with his brother on his own.

If he wants to continue to have a relationship the two of you will have to work out some compromises when it comes to your home and your child. A 'total ban' or you'll leave if he's coming. Baby comes with you or DP keeps the baby to 'visit' with his uncle. If baby stays, for now there shouldn't be any 'issues'. But once baby is old enough to understand if brother is badmouthing you, then baby goes NC, too.

If your partner loves his brother, he can maintain a relationship including visits, cards and presents, without your help.

Why do neither of them work?