Victim blaming by (some) professionals

[Throwaway2014]

I was in a marriage that turned emotionally and physically abusive. It escalated after the birth of my daughter, including abuse that put my daughter physically at risk. My ex wife was arrested on multiple occasions for violence that was witnessed by my daughter. My ex wife made admissions of abuse. Social workers and mental health professionals (specialising in postnatal mental health) became involved. Initially, I was happy to have this intervention hoping that there would be support for me to either leave the relationship safely or to get the help my wife needed.

Unfortunately, the conclusions of these workers (written in a report) was that it was substantially my fault because I did not hug my wife enough and made her feel abandoned because I would sometimes leave the house when my wife was aggressive. The workers knew about the arrests and violence but criticised me for 'emotionally abandoning my wife'. I was astonished by this. They were literally criticising me for wanting to leave an abusive relationship. It kept me in the relationship because I feared that if I left, my wife could use the opinions to cut access to my daughter (she later unsuccessfully attempted to do this). I tried to explain why the opinions were problematic but they stood firm. Later, I was able to get help to safely leave via the police and a lawyer, but I have been left confused and disheartened that people who were supposed to offer support could be so callous.

What explains these attitudes? Is it sexism and/or lack of training in domestic abuse? Should I avoid reaching out for help in future? I have been advised to self refer to social services as a domestic abuse victim (there are ongoing coercive control) but I am hesitant given my experiences.

No it’s not sexism, its ignorance of domestic abuse and lack of adequate, specialist training. Women are constantly blamed for domestic abuse.

what did you do to make him hit you?
what did you say to anger him?
why didn’t you leave if it was so bad?
why didn’t you try harder to work with him?
maybe you’re just too emotional and hysterical.
it wasn’t really that bad, was it?

These are the kinds of things women hear constantly from professionals, including the police when reporting domestic abuse. So no, it’s not a gender thing. It’s more about lack of understanding and poor training.

I hope you do access support for what you’ve been through. If you don’t feel safe using SS, perhaps consider counselling instead to help you work through your trauma. I realise that usually has a monetary cost but it’s def worth it. Alternatively, you could speak to your GP about accessing counselling and/ir support or you could contact a domestic abuse charity like Mankind, (I assume you’re male)

https://mankind.org.uk

If I’m wrong and you’re LGBTQIA+ you can contact Galop

https://galop.org.uk

Thank you. It is very sad to hear that there is such ignorance especially when, I believe, most social workers' cases involve domestic abuse and it really just requires basic empathy. I had asked the workers to imagine if they had been physically abused by a spouse and how they would feel about that spouse demanding physical affectionate touch. This did not compute and they literally said I should just do it on demand. They also thought that criminal behaviour, like stealing my possessions, should be discussed and worked through with my wife, an exchange of feelings when I desperately needed the behaviour to stop.

I did get the appropriate support in the end via the police and a lawyer but the actions of the professionals trapped me in a relationship much longer than it needed to be and put my child at risk. I have to say from my experience is to be weary of who to trust, and post-austerity, like many public services, unfortunately getting appropriate help requires paying for private services (e.g. a lawyer). Unfortunately, it is the most vulnerable who cannot do this.

No-one should do anything they’re uncomfortable with, never mind on demand. It sounds as if you’ve had some very poor, “support” from SS. Unfortunately, the legal system can also be terrible when it comes to domestic abuse, especially family court. In fact, many abusers use vexatious litigation to continue their post separation abuse on their victims. I’m glad you had good support from the police and a good outcome in court. The system is broken and needs an overhaul. I e worked with hundreds of abuse victims over the years and many have been told that the police can’t do anything until, “something happens.” In other words, they are physically harmed. By which time it’s too late. This is why a woman is killed every 5 days by a current or ex partner in England and wales. It’s tragic.