I don't want to marry him anymore

[Anon35x]

I really need advice please,
Me and partner have been engaged for 7 years and we was slowly planning our wedding but wasn't in any rush as we wanted to travel, home & children before this, now our family is complete, we've been travelling and got our home he's been talking about the wedding alot more, I love him with all my heart but I don't want to do it, one main reason I lost my mom just under 2 years ago, I lost my dad too, iv lost all my uncles and aunts iv literally got a small handful of family left where his is huge, I wouldn't even know who I could ask to give me away, I would feel so uncomfortable not having anyone my side I'm 35 and got no family apart from my sister who lives miles and miles away and my cousin and his kids 💔 I feel like I wouldn't enjoy it like I should, what do I do? My view on things is I don't need a ring to prove my love nor a piece of paper. He's the sort to want to still go ahead, but I can't do it without my mom or dad by my side, am I being stupid and selfish?

Is it just the celebration that worries you? Could you suggest a smaller wedding, registry office maybe with a nice immediate family meal afterwards?

Could you perhaps talk to him about the format of the wedding, maybe do something less 'traditional'.

If you have kids with marry for the sake of marriage benefits. A small wedding will do. Your decision

Why not consider eloping instead? This way your partner gets the marriage he wants and you can do it with just the two of you present, 2 witnesses and your children. Do it as a surprise for the children. Your witnesses can be literally anyone. Then have a lovely meal with your family. You don’t need the big wedding if that’s not what you want. Getting officially married does have its benefits though and it is worth considering. Go to Gretna green and have a lovely day with your partner and children. Or even just the two of you.

A friend of mine was estranged from most of her family and while wanted to be married, didn’t want a wedding. Her DP has a massive family.

they were planning a road trip in the US anyway, so did a detour to Vegas and got married by Elvis (early 00s). Then threw a huge party when they got home, effectively the evening do of a wedding. They didn’t have a sit down meal, bride and groom gave a short speech each, buffet, formal photographer taking photos, so his family got the wedding event, without the one side of the church full and one empty, no “who’s going to walk her down the aisle?” questions. She invited loads of her friends so didn’t feel like it was just his family having a party.

is something like this possible for you?

There is a lot of cultural fluff around marriage and it puts pressure on people to have a perfect day/ experience of the ceremony. Yhe reality is, though, it is a protective legal arrangement for anyone in a partnership with joint interests (in a shared home for example) and assets, it is especially important if either of you has given up any earning time or power to invest their time into the family/ children. So don't do it for the romance or the piece of paper, do it for the legals because no one knows what is down the road

Go for a smaller wedding.

Would you consider a Registry Office wedding with a couple of family members witnessing, with maybe a close family meal afterwards? (Which is what I did). You could get a chuch blessing after if that is something you both need. Although I assume you could get married in church without all the ceremonial extras. The vicar won't care.

A marriage and a wedding are two separate things. A wedding is the door to marriage, that's all.

I agree, cut it right down have a small wedding and a beautiful day. Maybe go abroad? Assuming of course that you do actually want to be married.

Could you suggest you get married at a registry office/ place you love as a family unit (the 2 of you and children). That removes the outside family aspect of it and it's just the 2 of you together doing your vows.

Then rent a place to have a family meal/ disco whatever?

I'm sorry you don't have the family you wish could be there, it must be so hard and I'm sure if you discussed with your partner your feelings that he would understand.

Say you aren't ruling out the exchanging of vows but you would feel more comfortable the 2 of you for the intimate part and celebrate with everyone else.

Obviously just a suggestion. I hope you get sorted and you absolutely aren't selfish or anything else. It's difficult when people are not present who are/ have been so important.

For the cost of a big wedding, you could have a fantastic holiday abroad, so why not combine the 2, that keeps it small and you've got you're honeymoon sorted at the same time. It's a great excuse to keep it small.

Sorry for your loss. Don't you think your mum and dad would have liked you to be happy and live your life the best you can?

Maybe you're not ready right now and no harm in waiting until it's not so raw.

Getting married isn't just a piece of paper or a ring- I would consider whether it benefits you and the children legally and financially. If you're not going to marry, check you and your partner have wills and things sorted financially so that if the worst happens you or he would be OK. Also that any shared assets are legally shared.

Talk to him, if he loves you (which I'm sure he does) then I'm sure he'll hear what you're saying and understand. There is a difference between not wanting a wedding ceremony and not wanting to be married though; sounds like you don't have concerns over the commitment but over having a traditional wedding- quite a difference and I'd make sure to be clear when you talk to him! Even if he wants a huge wedding (without being sexist I'd be surprised) there are compromises to be had, he might be over the moon though with a smaller ceremony, even just the 2 of you and a random witness.

Why don't you do it abroad - Just you, your OH and your children. A small intimate ceremony (or Gretna Green)

You could have a celebration party later without all the formalities

BEING married is far more important than GETTING married. If you want to be part of a married couple, you could have a tiny wedding - a registrar and two witnesses - and tell everyone else after the event. You could even throw a lovely party shortly afterwards, and invite everyone that you would have invited to a wedding, but the focus wouldn't be on you in the same way and the lack of you parents and other family wouldn't be nearly as noticeable or as sad. You could specify no speeches or presents or any other pseudo-wedding stuff but arrange some lovely music and nice food and drink.

Do you want to be married? If so you don't need to have a "wedding" you can marry in a local registry office with a friend each as witnesses, or you could go away and get married whilst there, Gretna Green was traditional in the U.K. (they do packages for those eloping including sorting witnesses) or overseas (check requirements for that country) or even by the captain of a cruise ship, again they can sort witnesses.

If you don't want the marriage thing but want legal protection you can get a civil partnership, which is similar to a registry office wedding but will be more low key.

I think you should do whatever you're happy with, I went to a wedding once when the bride's mother had died fairly recently, they did lots of lovely things to remember her and make her still part of it in a way, but it was horribly depressing and I found it was more like a funeral - so much crying.

Talk to your partner, he's not a mind reader! There are plenty of wedding options that don't include having a big family gathering or being given away. You can go abroad just with your children and have a small celebration. You can just go to a registry office and a lovely lunch afterwards. Being married is about more than just having a fancy wedding, it's about making a lifelong commitment to each other. It's not just a piece of paper!

The legal and financial (no IHT for example) benefits of being married are huge, especially when you have children.

I'm so sorry about your parents and I completely understand why a traditional wedding might feel working and upsetting.

There are so many other options, don't throw the baby out with the bath water, you can find a mn option which suits you. You aren't the first person to be in this situation, some really good ideas on this thread

Walk down the aisle with your children. Don't think of it as 'giving away' think of it as your children bringing you to be joined together. Don't try to find people to fill traditional roles, find roles for the people who will be there.

I think as you have children it's important to be married. But if you don't I would change names by deed poll so you all have the same surname and get wills and other protections drawn up by a solicitor. More expensive than a civil ceremony but important protection for all concerned.

Please dont take this the wrong way, but who has the most money?

Is the problem the marriage or the wedding?

If you can't talk to him about it and resolve this in a way you feel comfortable, then you shouldn't marry him.

It doesn't strike me that you feel able to do that. So I think this is more than being about the wedding. It's about the marriage full stop.