How would you feel about this?

[SadPanda]

My husband and I are trying to rebuild our 20 year marriage after some issues with trust and boundaries. Last night, in the spirit of openness he tried to explain an occasion when he returned from a business trip and was very noticably more passionate than usual.

He said that while he was away he was remembering intimate moments with an ex and that's the explanation. He seems to think this is a better explanation that what I believe to be true and doesn't seem to understand that this is also really shitty.

How would you feel? Because sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting.

Do you mean he had an affair?

No, what he said was gross and disrespectful and a bit negging. If he had any gumption at all and wanted to make you feel good, he'd just have said he was thinking of you.

I think it's a nasty streak coming out under the cover of so-called "honesty".

Basically punishing you for calling him out on his transgressions with malicious compliance in the openness you've agreed.

He didn't have an affair but he was lying in order to skip merrily down the path towards emotional affairs.

So he admitted he needed to fantasise about an ex to shag you? Ltb and don't look back.

This would be the end for me.

FFS, what? And this is him trying to help the situation? I’d be out of there…

See I think with this one thing, it’s a question of how much honesty do you REALLY want. This feels a bit like the “do I look fat in this dress”. If you’ve asked for 100% honesty and openness, no exceptions, then if that is the honest truth then you can’t really be annoyed about him telling you. If you would have preferred a lie which would make you feel better like previous poster suggested, then you don’t want 100% honesty/openness.

It was something that happened years ago that has come up again in relation to overstepping boundaries. One example of which is with a colleague that he still insists was only ever a really close working colleague. There was no friendship outside of work.

Problem is, I knew something was different after that trip. He recently, inadvertently mentioned that this colleague was walking around shared accommodation space topless on a work trip. He's adamant it wasn't the trip I think it was. This new issued is to get away from my version.

Oh OP, what has he done to your self esteem for you to think this is anything other than shockingly disrespectful.

Your marriage is over.
You need to protect yourself and perhaps get some counselling for yourself alone.

Don't waste any more years on this tool.

Oh yes, sorry that makes more sense.

It sounds like he is still lying and just casting about for any barely credible explanation that is not "I was horny because of the other woman".

That's what I think too.

He can't even admit it to himself. He seems to genuinely think that his boss took him aside to talk to him about office gossip because they were gossiping about how much work help and support he was giving her. When I pointed out that no, they think you were shagging, he looked horrified. But more because the professional impact could be catastrophic.

He is autistic. I don't know how much that plays a role or if that's me being in denial.

Op you don’t trust him. He says weird things that upset you. it sounds like he has behaviour problems left right and centrez

Tell is why are you still with him? What reason do you have to want to try again? You are working on your marriage so presumably you wanted to fix it - are you possibly deluding yourself? did you consider he cannot or will not change so the only answer may be that YOU have to change and decide to accept the situation the way it is?

Do you love him?

I would only work on this if I still loved him.

This doesn’t seem worth it from the outside. There’s a big wide world out there with lots of other people in it. Star afresh.

Honestly I don't know if I still love him. I do know that I am completely dependent on him.

Day to day he has always been a loving, caring, devoted husband. I trusted him 100% and would have bet everything on him never being dishonest with me. But then something happened and I now know there is a whole other side of him that he has kept hidden for 20 years. A side that he is so ashamed of that he can't even admit it to himself, although he was happy to indulge it in secret.

Maybe start working on getting your independence back and then decide if you want to be with him, instead of need to be.