Micro cheating?

[Brokenman123]

Hi, I have been with my partner for 13 years. She has always had her phone on silent and been very protective of it when I am around. I recently found out that she has been chatting to a few blokes over the years. These blokes have made inn appropriate comments but she has still continued talking to them. When I have asked her not to speak with them and to block them, she has accused me of being controlling. She recently started a new hobby and one of the blokes that is in this group with her, put his arms around her in front of me at a social event they had and tried to hug her from behind. She pulled away and he then realised that I was there and moved to the other side of the room very quickly. I asked who he was and she lied, saying her brother went to school with him and they were good friends. I later found this out to be a lie and she has admitted lying but claims she does not know why she lied. I also found messages on her phone (she passed me the phone when I questioned her and asked to see them. ) they have both been messaging each other whilst I wasn’t around. Mainly whilst I was asleep next to her. We have been to some counselling sessions and made some progress but she refuses to admit that she has micro cheated on me. I have told her that I can forgive her and we can make this work but I need her to admit to what she has done wrong or I think she will do it again. Is this cheating? Please help. I want her to see other people’s opinions and comments and we will both sit down and read this together. Hopefully it will help. I have tried everything else I can think of. Thank you in advance for your comments.

It's difficult to say without knowing what the messages said. There's nothing wrong with the man giving her a hug.

It could be harmless banter or lots of flirting, it's difficult to judge. She's unlikely to change so if her messaging men is unacceptable to you, then finish the relationship.

Happened to me, highly inappropriate conversations, promised me they were just that, nothing more. Took me years to get past it and not sure I will ever be sure i know the truth. You have to decide do you feel you can trust her or not. If you don't think you can get to that place, save your money on counselling and move on with your life or it will wreck your mind.
Like men some women struggle to tell the truth, even if they haven't been cheating fully.

Yes, it’s inappropriate. S

Is she chatting with random women on her phone too, or only seeking out men to chat to?

She's taking you for an absolute mug.

She won't change, you either accept her "flirtations" (and I'm really giving her the benefit of the doubt there), or you put your big boy pants on and end things. Don't bother with ultimatations/imposing "rules" around phone/taking to other men on line. Whatever "truth" she's told you will be the bare minimum that she can get away with.

Phone secrecy is one of the biggest giveaways of infidelity - I'm not saying sharing passwords etc and allowing your other half to use your phone and go through it, but being cagey around your phone is an absolute 🚩

I think you're watering this down OP.

If you are doing something you wouldn't want your DP to know about, if you hide it or lie then that is cheating.

Cold hard cheating, yes there are scales of cheating and only you know what scale you're happy to accept. But don't allow her the capacity to accept/say micro cheating. It's just cheating.

She lied to you.
Assuming when you've had concerns you've tried to discuss it and hadn't been threatening or scary then there is no excuse for lying over what someone is to you.
Your relationship doesn't have mutual trust. She doesn't trust you with information on some of her actions and people she knows and you can't trust her to tell you the truth or keep a clear boundary between who is a friend and who is a flirt interest.
Personally I'd want better for myself than a partner who keeps little ego boosts going as a sideline and with whom I have no trust.

Firstly I hope you’re ok it takes guts posting for advice, I’ve read the other replies but I feel there needs to be a bit more context here:

1. Is it your insecurities that you’re asking for her to block other males or solely because of the messages? Do you have female friends? How does she feel about them?
2. The bloke putting the arms around her is out of order too I agree with that and I’m glad you saw that, does the said bloke have a partner do you know? How did they react?
3. Are you open with your phone? Do you allow her to see messages etc? Was there actually anything inappropriate in the messages?
4. Do you have children/a demanding family life?
5. Do you show her attention? Appreciate her?

Im asking as it works both ways and I think you are overthinking this without the additional context above. She won’t be tired of you, she just wants your attention. Women work damn hard, and our lives at literally going at 100 miles an hour. In my experience relationships break down/show strains because the partnership isn’t equal (this isn’t a hate post about men at all!) Just you need to think about everyone in the relationship not just yourself and what you think is happening. More why? Is it you? Is it her? Is it you both? Is it life?

Please do read this together and let her speak, if you want to make this work then accusing her without listening is not going to help. You need to work out the root cause together. As the old saying goes it takes two…

I don't agree with this at all.

Why? I think it’s reasonable to ask for context, OP has been vague, when asking for advice you need to think of all parties. There’s a reason behind this, what is that reason?

Yes people get bored/under appreciated/look elsewhere etc but I feel there’s more behind this and it’s helpful for OP to sit and think with his partner as he said they were reading this together.

I’m not advocating cheating at all, OP asked for advice and the advice is listen to each other, no strangers on the internet are going to fix this for you but what we can do is help by letting the couple get to the root cause even if people have different opinions. All opinions matter.

This isn't micro cheating, it's just cheating.

You've read the messages but you haven't indicated if they were suspicious or not.

A man hugged her from behind - she did nothing.

She has said you're controlling

She panic lied when confronted

Honestly I have no idea how to read this situation. I had a controlling partner who I started panic lying to because I was scared of their response - never did it with anyone else mind. So that's not an instant red flag to me.

Whatever is going on I'd say end it. If she is then it's over and if she isn't, you don't trust her and want to control who she sees so it's also dead in the water imo. No good can come from this.

She's taking you for a mug - silent phone, texting another man while you are in bed asleep next to her, the inappropriate hugging, telling lies.
How many more signs do you need?
On this site, if you're a man someone will always suggest this is somehow your fault, but it isn't. She's allowed to want out of your relationship, to end things whenever she wants. She's not allowed to lie and cheat and test the waters with other men while keeping you as an option.

I'd dump her tbh.

Firstly, my phone has been on silent since 2009. Keeping a phone on silent is not a sign of cheating.

It’s hard to ascertain what is cheating from the little info you have given. Naturally, you’re telling things from your viewpoint, and ultimately writing in an inflammatory way in the hope that strangers on the internet will justify your perspective. You’ve made the decision you believe your partner has cheated, and despite sessions with a councillor and I’m assuming numerous heart to hearts with your partner, you aren’t prepared to move on until you’ve made her admit something that is quite possibly not true.

There are two sides to every story. You’re putting all of the blame for problems in the relationship on your partners alleged cheating. I say alleged, because without knowing the content of a few messages I cannot pass judgement.

But what I will say is, if you’re worried that your partner is cheating, have you examined your own behaviour in the relationship? People who are happy in their relationships don’t need to cheat on their partners, and their partners don’t need to look for evidence of cheating. Relationships are a partnership. It’s about working together, sharing responsibilities, loving and caring for each other, any children you may have and being a unit. Maybe the problems here run deeper than a few friendly messages with a member of the opposite sex.

She's lying to you about who she speaks to and why..

Of course it's cheating.

All these other people saying it depends on the context around conversations etc. are deluded. Go and read the posts from woman posting about their men doing this and you will get the answer.

If she wasn't prepared to stop lying about speaking to all these men and having inappropriate conversations i would end the relationship.