Hello,
Apologies, this is long and I did write about my mum a few years ago on mumsnet
My mother hasn't been officially diagnosed, but very much fits the bpd personality type if my googling is to be trusted- very needy, hysterical, passive/aggressive and draining in a nutshell
She's 80 and despite my username I don't really see her as elderly as she's in rude physical health and will likely last another 20 years!
The best thing would definitely be to not have her in my life- and I did go NC for 4 blissful years after a particularly nasty episode of her shouting at me- wish I'd never gone back
she's spent her life getting stuff from other people and crossing boundaries- but it's in a helpless, manipulative way rather than in an aggressive or narcissistic way
basically she'll parade her perceived uselessness, often using tears and hysterics and eventually someone capitulates
This behaviour is why I find it so difficult to "break up" with her!!- as I said, I went NC after she yelled at me but she holds back from doing that now- I think she knows I'll vote with my feet
the other thing she does is weedle her way into someone's life by being super helpful- for example she befriended a dying, elderly man 20 yrs ago and just ploughed into his life, being "helpful" with lifts etc. Got him a Valentine's card, too. His family wised up to her
there are many other examples of her distinct lack of shame
I've always lived a comfortable 200 miles from her but since having children- now teens- it's never far enough!
every half term and holiday I dread because she'll want to do something- expect us to vist and she will happily come up- though I don't host her- I just can't do it after she was so vile to me in my own home
we are skint and time poor so a five hour journey is not to be sniffed at- though of course I'd suck it up more if I wanted to see her
the reality is we don't actually see her very much- but my anticipation when nearing school holidays is unbearable- I know I need to control this.
She's actually been married for the last decade- thank god!- he's a massive stress-head and emotes over his poor adult daughter so I guess they're peas in a pod
But I can't escape her!! ah- I know it's worse by not severing ties fully but I just don't have the reserves to do that. She's such a victim plus it would massively put on her husband and his daughter- who lives a lot nearer and is lovely, bless her- she's 10 years younger than me. I've never spoken with her about our parents as I don't want to overstep and I guess I feel she must think I'm awful for kind of dangling my mother and barely seeing her!
Anyway- I'm middle aged and without doubt I'm struggling mentally- even if I see a text from her or a letter in her handwriting or someone mentions her name, I'm completely sensitised into a panic response!! and of course she always makes reference to being "old now"- how do I get out of this? I can't face the next twenty years like this
I worry that she'll be manipulative with my kids- especially my son- he's about to go to university and I'm discouraging any campus within a couple of hours of her- she has no shame, she will manipulate my lovely boy
I do sometimes feel like I don't want to be here but I've never hurt myself or attempted anything- it's how I've been since having my ovaries removed- but I won't act on it not least because I feel like I need to be around to pre-empt any strikes she might make on my kids- my son's learning to drive- I know she'll use that- maybe I should talk to him but I've never spoken to my kids about her as she's their granny and I doubt they've picked up on it- anyway it's not their issue and I know from experience it's horrible having your relatives run down by your mother
The point of my epic thread- and thank you if you've stuck with it- is what do I employ to not anticipate/dread anything related to my mother- how do I get her out of my head- how do I compartmentalise- I do grey rock her but this doesn't make me feel any better- it just stops an explosion from meat the time which I would regret. I would like some other practical solutions if possible.
I have heard of a book- something like "how to deal with an emotionally immature mother" which sounds great but I'm scared of reading something that will make me feel worse and for me the problem has become so much worse as I've become an adult, rather than a terrible childhood and self-help books, I suspect, tend to dwell on childhood. It wasn't a dreadful time because my dutiful, sweet, if slightly emotionless dad stayed with my mother throughout our childhood- so she wasn't as bad then- so I don't feel it's a bad childhood that's the issue here- I was protected although she did have outbursts and offload emotional stuff onto me when i was 13 onwards so maybe it was less ok than I just stated!
I do weep for my twenty-something self- when I knew I felt shit around her but felt so horribly guilty, when she'd never fail to have hysterical episodes on me and I didn't have the life experience to know this was not ok- and I certainly never told anyone- the shame!!
Any coping strategies gratefully received- and I know I'm my worst enemy by not doing the best thing by cutting ties- but what's the next best thing?!
Thank you