How do I fall back in love?

[bludots]

I want to keep this really minimal if I can.

Pre-child, I used to be practically obsessed with my partner. Yes, I think I was doing it in part because I believed I had to to keep him but I do think I also genuinely enjoyed it.

Post-child (now 2.5yo), basically my life has revolved around DC. I'm trying to do right by my child having endured a very difficult childhood myself and want to give them all the things I didn't have. I'm also working towards self employment. And I still breastfeed. All the energy I'd previously give to my partner now goes to my child, and the combination of being burnt out, sleep deprivation and hormonal, I just have no innate desire to show affection or seek intimacy or connection from my partner.

I need to relight the fire over our relationship but I don't know, practically, how to. Any suggestions, especially from anyone who's been there, would be appreciated.

“Practically obsessed with” doesn’t sound healthy tbh. Did your partner used to put in equal effort pre DC or did he get used to you making all the effort?

If you always used to make more effort, I wouldn’t be rushing to go back to that. How about aiming for a relationship of equals? In fact at times like now, where you are knackered and have a lot on your plate, I think it’s for him to make more effort than you.

I bet you’ll find that the more effort he makes - doing housework, looking after the baby, getting up in the night, compliments, cuddles - the more your feelings will return.

And if your partner is complaining about the lack of effort and intimacy compared with pre DC - he’s a twat.

@minipie I'm very much an all or nothing person, and I guess I used to give the relationship my all. It was always my first consideration, and I definitely made more effort than he did (he acknowledges this now; I think it's become significantly more obvious in hindsight for him now).

We have said we need to meet in the middle, but I feel like I've gone too far the other way most of the time. I get fleeting surges of love, usually when I get a few minutes to myself without having to worry about toddlers/work/housework/etc, but once I'm back in the thick of it, it's like I don't have the capacity for another cup to keep topped up, so to speak.

He understands we literally do not have opportunity to have the same level of affection we used to, but he still wants relative effort from me even though he's still contributing the same level of effort he always has. Clearly that never used to bother me, but now don't have the personal resources to keep giving without receiving (from an adult relationship).

There's hormones to consider here too with breastfeeding that I found really crashed my libido and the need for intimacy

I breastfed my kids for a really long time (2 & 4.5 years) and what crashed my libido was unsupportive and (in different ways) abusive (ex)husband.

It is absolutely normal to feel the way OP is feeling at this stage in life. Sex life and intimacy suffer when kids are young. Our biology cannot be in line with advancement of contraception. Just because there are ways to prevent getting pregnant soon after giving birth it does not mean that female bodies are ready for sex marathons when they have a baby or a toddler to look after.

OP, you need your partner to support you now, show you understanding, empathy and kindness. Your child relies 100% on you for its survival. Nature meant for you to be besotted so your child can live and thrive.

Please do not blame yourself. It is absolutely normal that your child comes first. If your partner cannot see or understand that then I am afraid that your problem is of completely different nature.

If he's complaining about the lack of sex it would turn me off too but if he's just communicating then listen.

Is it possible for you to go on date nights? Or maybe a romantic weekend away? At this point it's important to make time for you both as a couple and getting out the house and being alone makes it easier to do so

I think perhaps he needs to understand that you made the effort for years and right now it’s his turn. And that doesn’t mean being touchy feely, it means taking some more of the load.

And as pp said it’s normal to feel this way at this stage. Don’t worry that this means all romantic or sexual feelings have gone permanently. (But they might disappear permanently if he isn’t as understanding and helpful as possible during this phase).

So basically, you did 90% of the heavy lifting in the relationship before baby came along, which meant that the relationship did pretty well. And now that baby is there, it's becoming more and more obvious to you that he's putting a lot less effort into both the relationship and parenting?
Is he capable of reflection and productive self-criticism? Any chance of him finding a solution? Cause if you have to find a solution for him, that's not going to make you love him, is it?