Drugs and relationships - advice from people in similar or who have been in similar situation

[waltermego1]

Hi

Have namechanged for this.

before I start, I am not seeking judgement but experience so please, if possible, no 'leave him' rants.

I am in a relationship with someone who has in the past experimented with drugs including marijuana , hallucinogenics and Cocaine. When I first got together with him I knew he liked to take drugs recreationally but he also said he wanted to stop doing coke as much as he did. I always said to him that I did not want to be his reason for doing so and if he wanted to stop it was his decision - I did not want to become a source of resentment for him and I made this clear.

He told me he would never stop completely but he wanted to make a change. We discussed our future for a long time before committing ourselves to eachother. We knew we were different and we knew there would be issues.

I had to reassure him as much as he me, because although I have taken drugs in the past, I have issues with people who use coke (something I have never done) and knew even occassional use would cause me anxiety. But we are in love and so we decided to get together and almost 2 years later we are doing fine. There are no children involved yet, but we want them.

He has limited his drug use to monthy or two (sometmes 3) monthly occurences and doesn't indulge when around me. I still have anxiety when he goes out because I know what he is doing and I worry about him dying or getting ill. I ask him to be honest with me about what he is doing and so I am not being lied to. I don't like what I am hearing but I would rather know than him cover up or lie to me. Most of the rest of the time we are fine.

I feel I am very hypocritical in my stance. I try to remain calm and I do know that many people my age still indulge in drugs recreationally without it becoming an addiction and they are able to function as normal nice people. I have taken pills of one kind or another myself when I was younger, my parents were liberal hippie types and I am not of the 'All Drug users are scum' ilk, but I am absolutely disgusted by Cocaine. I have never even been tempted to use it despite being in situations many times where I have been offered it. I love my boyfriend deeply, he is kind and calm and dependable, his family are all decent people, his mother is amazing, he would make a wonderful father, my whole family love him. I just hate the idea that he uses cocaine however occassionally.

So these are my questions, if you are brave enough to answer... Are you in a relationship like this? Have you been? How do you cope with it? Do you take drugs recreationally or are you like me only someone who has dabbled in the past?

I find it hard to talk openly to people about this because it means exposing his use (however occassional) to people I would rather not have knowing or judging. My sister is about the only person I can tell everything to (apart from my BF) without having to hide certain facts. I basically feel like I am carrying around a big lie and it's hard.

You know what Walter, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Once every 2-3 months, as long as that has been the pattern for a while, is no cause for concern whatsoever. Just because it's coke, or dope or E, so what? But that's only if he's telling the truth. I know plenty of people who do drugs infrequently (myself included) and it ends there. And I'm 52 by the way and have had the same approach to drugs all my life.

Your man seems to have it under control and I do firmly believe there is such a thing as recreational drug use that doesn't spiral out of control. It seems the issue between you is that he likes to indulge and you don't care for it. He's not likely to die, any more than if he goes down to the pub and sinks a few pints (in fact he's more likely to die if he does that).

Try and forget about the perceived stigma, because really, these days, there isn't one. There are always individuals who will come a cropper, be it with alcohol or drugs but there are plenty of people who can use them without ill-effect. There are different ways of taking drugs, just as there are different ways of drinking. I can understand your concerns though but at least he seems to be totally open with you. To me, it doesn't sound as if you have much to worry about. Just try and ignore the "all drug-taking is bad" brigade".

Yup OP I'm in a relationship like this.

Husband uses occasionally - in fact the fecker went out last night and still hasn't come home. Hideous, dangerous drug. It's ruining our marriage and he uses about as frequently as your dp. I hate it - it turns people into selfish, unthinking bastards. (sorry, I am a little emotional about this tonight)

Ditto...mine is still missing too. I'm in a relationship like this too, and we have 2 girls aged 3 and 16mnths.

Walter: So I guess I'm a few years further down the line than you...and my attitude towards the whole situation of him going out and occasionally doing a few lines of coke was even more laid back than yours in the beginning. I honestly didn't think it was a problem at all. I've done class A's recreationally in the past too but not since well before I had children. I lost interest in all that years ago and I thought my h would too, but he didn't.

Please don't think that I am some sour old crazy wino druggie! I'm a normal, middle class 35 year old who comes from a loving happy background and is well educated with a degree. Pretty normal...I think!

I do not have anything against drugs as long as the reason you are doing them is because you want to (not because you need to or feel pressured to). The dangerous thing is that this reason can easily change from one to the other and you can lose control over it without realising. Everyone is different and I think you need to question why is he doing it?

I don't think drugs and relationships can ever work when one person is doing it and the other isn't. Especially when the person who is not doing it is anxious and upset about it. It is bound to cause problems in even the strongest of relationships eventually. It obviously worries you and he should care about that...you need to share that with him and tell him how it makes you feel when he does it.

I agree that coke is a horrible drug...it makes people arrogant, unfeeling and selfish. I have seen friends change over the years from regular 'occasional' use.

It is destroying my relationship and my beautiful family.

It sounds to me as though he's gone a long way to change his behaviour since you first got together. I think the give and take here lies in your acceptance that he has made change, (which he might not have done had he not got together with you) and that his drug use is very limited these days.

You can't control his entire approach to coke or anything else and I don't think it would be fair to do so, given your full awareness of his use when you both got together.

He sounds very in control of his use of coke. It is one that can become addictive extremely quickly but given his past experience of it, I'm sure he is as aware of this as you.

I think at some point you asked what coke 'does'? It can give ten to fifteen minutes of absolute euphoria. This is why many people will do line after line all night long - if they can afford it!

I'm not intending to be dismissive of your concerns, I have known coke addictions to wreck relationships but I also know many occasional (sane, pleasant, aware, kind, etc!) users of this and other substances (even K, which is evil stuff IMO!) who are not addicted, they just enjoy that occasional feeling of everything being good.

n.b. I'm by no means encouraging use, just offering explanation of 'why'.